Notice the people who are happy for your happiness, and sad for your sadness. They're the ones that deserve special places in your heart .

And we are so lucky to have so many of those people <3 

Where do I begin. Today is special, like many days in this pregnancy have been. We're 37 weeks. 37!! That's a big deal to a woman with an incompetent cervix. A number most of us dream of. Thanks to Dr. Haney, we're here. Without a single issue, without any ER visits, with out any problems at all. I'm still working 40+ hrs, on my feet. Still feel fabulous. I helped my husband steam clean the carpets today, I've helped paint and set up the baby's nursery. I get around like my non pregnant self does and I've loved every single moment of it! 

Being able to attend my baby showers has been amazing too! Not having to worry about being on my feet and putting pressure on my cervix has been the best thing in the world. We've had 3 showers so far and I've been able to get dressed up and attend them with no problems at all.  My own doctor even attended one of my showers <3 That was a special moment. She's been through every thing with us. She gave us a beautiful book called "someone came before you" to read to our baby. It will tell him the story of the babies that came before him and how they made room in our hearts for him when we were ready.

I don't even have a word for how we feel. "Amazing" just doesn't cut it. I could never thank Dr. Haney enough for what he has done for my family. He has given us a gift of carrying a child to term. How do you ever thank someone for that? 

In 19 days (or less!) we will welcome a beautiful, full term rainbow baby into our lives. For the first time in our lives a birth will not be a traumatizing moment but a beautiful one, like it should be. Instead of my husband holding our child as we watch them slowly stop breathing, and watch them take one last gasp of air and they fight to stay alive...I will watch my husband hold our son and we will watch his lungs fill with air and he'll go it again and again. Something we've never experienced before. And for once those sweet, mature lungs with fill and let out the most glorious cry in the world. A cry we've waited 8 years to hear. A cry we've only dreamt of and fought very hard for. One I hope we hear whenever he feels like letting one out. We will certainly cherish that noise more than anyone could know. For that noise means life, means he's living and breathing. We will leave that hospital with our arms and hearts full for once. Instead of a box of mementos and traumatizing memories of what should have been.

 There is a car seat in our car and I can't tell you how many times I've looked in the rear view mirror and let a few tears out at that sight. A sight I longed for since we lost Emerson. I remember looking back in my old jeep after we lost her and closing my eyes tight, hoping that when I opened them she'd be there in a car seat but she never was. It wasn't a dream, she was gone. 8 years later, there's a car seat and I've closed my eyes tight, opened them expecting it to be gone. Like this wasn't really happening but it is. There are bags packed just in case I go into labor. There is a bag for our son, with diapers, blankets and all his tiny clothes. I have a son coming. I'm having a full term baby. As I type this he is in there rolling around. I can look down and see my belly moving. I have loved every moment of this pregnancy. There were moments when I was worried and scared. That's normal for what we've been through but this was a beautiful pregnancy. So much so that I'm not sure I'm ready for it to end LOL I've truly loved being pregnant with him. 

I've enjoyed seeing my husband so happy. Getting the experiences he deserves so much. He's been wonderful. He takes care of everything and happily. I even got an awesome foot rub the other day. I have enjoyed the moments when a true smile comes across his face. Sadly I've learned how to tell the difference from a real smile that looks forced and one that really has true happiness behind it.  He was so happy helping set up and attending the beautiful baby shower on my side of the family. Helping me open presents and kindly making sure I didn't lift anything.  He's the best father and I can't wait for all the new things we'll learn and discover together. 

We've been surrounded by many happy and supportive people. Truly a blessing. We had a beautiful rainbow baby shower from his coworkers (our Spanky's family). Walking into a room filled with rainbow colors made me choke up. This baby is really spoiled ;) To have a baby shower was a wonderful milestone and we've been blessed with 3 so far. All of them so beautiful and mean more to us than anyone could know. And each one included the girls too, which my heart just loved. We are mother and father to 3 children and it truly is a special thing to have all of them included together. 

I really have run out of words to explain this feeling. To explain all of this journey. It's been nothing but a dream for 8 years. We've fought so hard and now it's here. I can't wait to touch him, hear his noises, change the worlds worst diapers and give up the life we've know for over 12 years, to experience it in another light. I don't expect it to always be easy but we've buried 2 children, been through 9 pregnancies...we're ready for whatever comes our way. I'm ready for those difficult things for I am so tired of the difficult things we've dealt with in the past.

For those of you that have supported us non stop through the last 8 years, I love you. There is no way for me to ever let you know what you've done for us. How you've helped us. How you've supported us. How you've asked over and over if there was any more you could do. And how you've remembered our daughters with us this whole time, through the sad days and helped us honor them through this pregnancy. The out pouring of gifts we've been given, every single one we've cherished and truly feel blessed.  Please know that nothing you've done has gone unnoticed. Thank you. 

Believe in yourself and all that you are. Know that there is something inside you that is greater than any obstacle

    I don't even know where to start. My heart is so full. We had our first baby shower on the 15th. It was beautiful. A room filled with love. The perfect mixture of celebrating Emeric and remembering the girls. Gifts that included them, just so precious. My heart was beyond happy. We had a table with candles burning in memory of the girls, my way of having them there. I could not have asked for a better day.

Yesterday I stood in front of the washer watching his little cloth diapers spinning around. Tears running down my face. Something so small, something I had thought about for years was finally happening. I'm washing diapers and tiny baby clothes. I never thought we'd get to. I thought life was how it was going to be. We wouldn't have a child. We'd never see my belly get big, we'd never have a car seat in the car, but we do. We have a room filled with things just for him. A crib waiting. There's a baby coming. A full term baby. 8 years waiting for this moment, waiting to see diapers in the washer. Clothes in the closet and a car seat in the car. Finally. Finally. It is happening. There is no way to explain what this feels like. My heart feels like it's going to burst. The one thing we've fought for, for the last 8 years is coming true. 

There are sad moments that poke through. The moments where I dream of the girls being here and getting to meet their brother. Being included in his arrival and helping us with his things. Those moments happen often. I let them because there won't be a moment in my life where I don't think of them. I am a mother of 3, even though you can't see all of them. My heart will always carry them.

I'm ready. So ready to rock Emeric to sleep. Hold him, soak in each little feature of his face. Just as I did with his sisters. This time it will be different. I won't be looking at him and soaking it up because I know I have to give him back. I'll be soaking it up because I can't believe he's ours, he gets to come home with us and for once we'll watch a child grow up in our home. I'll miss his features because they'll change, not because that's the last time I'll ever see him. 

I've spent time in his room. Just standing there. Enjoying that it's no longer a guest room, it's HIS room. Life is going to change and for the better this time. I don't think he'll ever understand how special he is to us. It took a lot to get here and he's already bringing so much joy and happiness into our lives.

I get so choked up just thinking about the moment he fills his lungs with air and lets that cry out. Oh, that loud special cry. I have hoped for that cry for so long. 

Emeric, we've waited for you for so long. Tried so hard to get you here. I've dreamt of you for years and you're finally on your way. You're special to us, more than you will ever know. Every thing I ever did in my life was to get to this moment. I knew I was meant to be a mother when I was very young. It hasn't been an easy road, by any means...but you are worth it. Your dad and I haven't been this happy in a long time. I promise to do my best, to surround you with love and let you grow into the person you are meant to be. No matter what you do or where you go in life, I'll be there.Supporting every move you make. I'll love you forever. 


It's been so tough figuring out how to put these feelings into words. 8 years of waiting for this, I just can't tell you what this feels like. There are no words. I'm thankful for every person that's been with us during this journey. I can't tell you all how much I love you and appreciate you. I could not have pushed through this without you. That support was needed more than you could ever possibly know. Life was really hard and sometimes I needed someone to keep me afloat, most of you have no idea how many times you've kept me going. I thank you for that. 

Now we anxiously wait for Emeric to arrive and our dream to come true

Dear Courageous mama... I am you (sharing a blog post from another PAL mama)

Shared from http://www.stillbornandstillbreathing.com/2014/02/dear-courageous-mamai-am-you.html 

Extremely important for those going through a pregnancy after loss

Dear Courageous Mama,

I am you.  Right now I am currently 31 weeks pregnant with my baby after the loss of my first, and only child, at 40 weeks pregnant with my beautiful daughter.  I know you, because I am you.  I may not have all the same thoughts or the same experiences as you, but I can say I know.  I know this is hard because it’s hard for me.  It’s the most difficult thing I have ever done after giving birth to and burying my stillborn baby girl.  

I’m sorry to say that I don’t have any advice, as I’m not on the other side.  I am in the thick of it just like you and even if I was holding my current baby safely in my arms alive, I’m still not sure I would know the right words to say.  What I can share with you are my true feelings and honestly I’m really scared right now.  The truth is that every morning for the past five weeks I wake up terrified that my baby has died in the previous hours that I have slept, like my one before her did.  My heart pounds and my mind races with morbid thoughts of once again delivering a dead child until all of the sudden a familiar poke tickles my hand as I am reassured my baby is still alive inside me with the somersault I feel her completing within. 

You see, in that same moment, the one that was filled with terror before, is where gratitude also finds me and fills my soul with peace and an overwhelming sense of appreciation that I have been granted one more day, another chance, at bringing a living soul into this world.  To say the least, it’s confusing; to wake to these kinds of emotions each day and hoping to relive them tomorrow because that would mean that my one wish is still true.  That my baby will be born breathing and healthy and most importantly – ALIVE.

Maybe this letter doesn’t sound reassuring, but it is honest and to continue on this note of truth I would like to tell you that I do, oh how I do, try and try so hard to find joy in this pregnancy.  Each day I battle back anxiety, depression, anger, frustration, sadness, grief, and PTSD symptoms in an effort to choose joy over fear.   Sometimes I win.  But other days fear finds me again, usually in the moments when I begin to let my guard down and envision a life with a smiling, giggling, crying, breathing, living baby girl.  Here is where the ugliness of fear rears its head, saying “Remember, this pregnancy is only a trick, just like your last, you are not worthy of such a little blessing.”  But, I will not believe this liar known as fear and I fight back!  I feel the fear, welcome him and all of his deceptions, and choose joy anyway!!! Even though it’s hard as hell to do, I yell back in fear’s face and say, “TODAY I CHOOSE JOY!”  

In doing this I find a moment of peace that settles into my tired body and soul.  Then I look down at my round stomach and stroke my belly all the while praying to a God, I don’t believe in, and a Universe, that I no longer trust, to give me the strength to make it through this journey and remember to just take each day as a gift.  If I have learned anything over the past 14 months, it’s that I only get this day.  This gift.  This moment.  I only get now and in that now I want it to be filled with happiness, not fear.  I want my baby girl to know love, not dread.  And each day that is what I will give her by choosing joy. It’s not easy, like I said, It’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do.  

But I’m doing it.  Just like you.  WE are doing it.  Just by having the courage to try again we are choosing joy.  Just by waking up each morning and facing what obstacles and anxieties pregnancy throws at us we are choosing joy.  Just by being brave enough to be pregnant again we are choosing joy.  Remember, we, both you and I are courageous warriors who have stared down the face of fear and said, “I don’t choose you.  I choose joy instead!” and just by being here, wherever we are on this road of pregnancy after loss, just by saying yes to hopes of other chances and choosing joy, we have won.

Today, we have won.  

Love, 

Lindsey Henke

Fellow PAL Mom & Courageous PAL Warrior 

Pregnancy after loss takes a lot of courage. The anxiety, the ptsd that you deal with on a daily basis is too much to handle. The women who have been through it and have held me up on the nights that I fell to pieces, are women that I cherish and owe a lot to. After losing 2 daughters, and miscarrying 6 pregnancies, carrying this little man has been a difficult journey. I know that praying doesn't work, I know that nothing is guaranteed. There has been long, sleepless nights wondering if he'll come home, wondering if we'd make it to 24 weeks or even past 20 weeks. Those nights are slowly disappearing and I've chosen joy. I chose to love every moment that I have with him and just like his big sisters, they all brought so much hope and happiness into my life. I am so lucky for that. Lucky that things fell into place like they did, lucky that I found Dr. Haney, lucky to get the insurance to approve it and lucky to get pregnant again. 8 years since we started trying for children and I am so ready for the next chapter. So Courageous mama, I am you...

You are grieving right!

How ever you are grieving, you are grieving right <3 Be easy on yourself. Losing a child is the worst thing in the world. Do what you need to do to make it. Those that love you and are compassionate people (that have a heart), will understand you and allow you to do so. Those that don't, are not needed in your life. Take care of yourself. You are what matters

http://networkedblogs.com/TGv5l

Hello 3rd trimester!!!!!

    I can't properly express what this feels like! I am enjoying this pregnancy so much. Of course there was fear, well pure terror, that we'd never make it this far.  Here we are. Enjoying painting a nursery for the first time, buying baby clothes, registering for our baby showers and doing what expecting couples normally get to do. After 8 years our dream is finally coming true. It is truly amazing. 

As I was laying in bed the other night, Derrick was feeling baby move and he told me how happy and excited he was. How he thinks of baby all the time and things we'll get to do.  I'm happy that he'll finally get to do all the things he dreamed of doing. It's nice to watch him talking to my belly and smiling ear to ear. He deserves to finally be happy. It's been so good for us. 

Besides the fear this pregnancy has been so easy. I've been working full time on my feet at a physically demanding job. I haven't been sick. I feel normal, I just so happen to be pregnant :) Pregnancy agrees with my body and I'm loving it. Baby isn't even here yet and I can't wait to get pregnant again. If it wasn't for my past, I'd be a surrogate for as long as I could. 

I am living proof that the tac works. I really thought nothing in the world could help me. I never thought I'd be able to carry another child and certainly didn't think we'd make it to viability. Well here we are in the home stretch, preparing to bring our rainbow baby home. If I can do it, anyone can. And I can do what normal pregnant ladies get to do. I can workout, swim, work full time, shop, whatever I want with no restrictions. I was even cleared to continue my intense kettlebell work outs (I chose not to out of fear but may try it in the next pregnancy) I'm so thankful. 

I'm going to soak up my last trimester and enjoy every moment of it. I love this pregnancy and am so grateful to be able to experience what it's like to be normal for once. So excited to see baby and start the new chapter in our lives.

Exactly one year ago today!!

   

We were waking up in Chicago one year ago today. I had those weird antibacterial wipes that I had to use all over my body to prep for surgery. I got dressed and we headed downstairs. The hotel gave my husband breakfast to go since we were leaving so early and he'd be stuck waiting at the hospital. I still think that was so thoughtful of them. Then we waited, filled with anxiety and so nervous, for our cab to arrive. We hopped in and I thought I was going to puke from the nerves.

I remember being so excited too. We were there, somehow all the hassle with the insurance company and getting a surgery date in Jan, things just fell into place. I remember watching the town at 5am as we made the 20 min ride to University of Chicago Medicine. Knowing in just minutes that I'd be meeting the man that I had been calling and exchanging emails for what felt like over a year. They called a bunch of us back, anyone who had any kind of surgery was called into the room. They put you in a little area with a curtain, ask you all sorts of questions and give you your gown and sweet shower cap looking thing. Then Derrick was allowed back and we waited. Just a few mins longer and Dr. Haney walked it. He must have just got there because he had his black wool winter coat and scarf still on. He was smiling ear to ear and I was meeting the celebrity to all of us women with incompetent cervixes. He shook our hands and still smiling he started to explain to us how he was going to help us carry a baby to term. He used Derrick's hands and wedding ring to give us a visual of what was about to happen. I felt my heart fill with hope and a sad feeling of wishing I had known to do this before. I was in that room because my daughter's didn't make it. It was a mix of emotions, they'd be here if I had known and here I was feeling guilty because I hadn't. 

I felt like a ball of nerves.This was my first time going under anesthesia. I was so scared that for some odd reason I wouldn't wake up. The nurses and Dr. Haney's assistant assured me that I would be just fine.

Then it was time. I remember the anesthesiologist picking up the IV bag and helping hold my gown as Derrick and I walked in the hallway. My eyes welled up with tears. From the grief of losing my daughters to the pure happiness and gratefulness of being able to step foot in that hospital, for a life changing surgery. Then she said I could hug and kiss my husband and I just cried. I walked away and through the OR doors.

 She told me how the meds would work. I jumped up on the table and she told me the meds in my IV would make me smile. I laid down and they were talking to me as the medicine was going through. I remember smiling, like she said I would and talking through the mask on my face. Before I finished my sentence (still can't remember what they asked me or what I was talking about) I was out. I woke up probably an hour or so later. I woke up so nicely out of the anesthesia, wide awake and my husband was walking in. He had just finished with Dr. Haney. I guess he called him into an office and told him how things went. Dr. Haney mentioned my uterus and ovaries "we're gorgeous" and that he had no reason to think it would take long to conceive. He mentioned my cervix was long, which made him happy. He knew I'd have no problem carrying to term. The surgery went well and I'd be in the hospital 24 hours. They wheeled me to a room and I couldn't wait to eat something. They gave me an orange and it was the best tasting thing in the world at that time. My husband couldn't help but take a photo of me devouring that orange. Then the lovely morphine pump. I felt pretty good. Woke up the next day and was dressed and up. Dr. Haney was shocked and said that's what you get with a young healthy woman, she's up, dressed and ready to go just 24 hrs after surgery. He said he's never seen someone up so fast like that in all his years. I think it was pure adrenaline :) I was a happy lady that was excited that the surgery happened. That I carry a scar that means more to me than I could ever explain. 

And here we are exactly a year later.... 25 weeks 3 days pregnant. 100 days until little man's birthday and we were given the most priceless gift by an amazing doctor.  A chance at a normal, full term pregnancy. I have been on my feet 40 hrs a week, shopping after work and enjoying this pregnancy. What an amazing feeling! I can't thank Dr. Haney enough for changing out lives and giving us the hope that we needed to keep moving forward. He really saved our lives and gave us the opportunity to bring another one into this world.

6 Years 9 Months since Emerson, 2 years 5 months since Evelie and expecting our Rainbow baby and there is still stings of jealousy but a new kind

I had to share this today (blog link below)  because her words are so true. Thankfully I'm surrounded by wonderful people who completely understand and respect my feelings and allow me to handle myself how ever I need to, to survive a situation. Those people have no idea how amazing they are! Truly compassionate, good hearted people and I love them for understanding. Also, for sharing in this amazing pregnancy. Supporting me, letting me share this with them and never holding grudges against me when I couldn't face a pregnant person. 
Just because someone is happy absolutely does NOT mean someone else can't grieve. There is no time limit and it's no one's business to tell you any differently. You don't get over it, you learn to live with it. I've had so many people understand that. I'm amazed by the support and understanding from those that have never even lost a baby.
Even though I'm pregnant and passed all our milestones, I know the truth of what can happen. I envy those with the innocence left. Not thinking anything can go wrong. I still have a hard time with announcements, passing pregnant women etc. Those feelings probably will never disappear. It's been almost 8 years of this type of life, so those feelings may never go away. 

I send my love to anyone who knows this feeling and I hope you are surround yourself with wonderful people. 

http://stillstandingmag.com/2014/01/new-envy-rises/