Notice the people who are happy for your happiness, and sad for your sadness. They're the ones that deserve special places in your heart .

And we are so lucky to have so many of those people <3 

Where do I begin. Today is special, like many days in this pregnancy have been. We're 37 weeks. 37!! That's a big deal to a woman with an incompetent cervix. A number most of us dream of. Thanks to Dr. Haney, we're here. Without a single issue, without any ER visits, with out any problems at all. I'm still working 40+ hrs, on my feet. Still feel fabulous. I helped my husband steam clean the carpets today, I've helped paint and set up the baby's nursery. I get around like my non pregnant self does and I've loved every single moment of it! 

Being able to attend my baby showers has been amazing too! Not having to worry about being on my feet and putting pressure on my cervix has been the best thing in the world. We've had 3 showers so far and I've been able to get dressed up and attend them with no problems at all.  My own doctor even attended one of my showers <3 That was a special moment. She's been through every thing with us. She gave us a beautiful book called "someone came before you" to read to our baby. It will tell him the story of the babies that came before him and how they made room in our hearts for him when we were ready.

I don't even have a word for how we feel. "Amazing" just doesn't cut it. I could never thank Dr. Haney enough for what he has done for my family. He has given us a gift of carrying a child to term. How do you ever thank someone for that? 

In 19 days (or less!) we will welcome a beautiful, full term rainbow baby into our lives. For the first time in our lives a birth will not be a traumatizing moment but a beautiful one, like it should be. Instead of my husband holding our child as we watch them slowly stop breathing, and watch them take one last gasp of air and they fight to stay alive...I will watch my husband hold our son and we will watch his lungs fill with air and he'll go it again and again. Something we've never experienced before. And for once those sweet, mature lungs with fill and let out the most glorious cry in the world. A cry we've waited 8 years to hear. A cry we've only dreamt of and fought very hard for. One I hope we hear whenever he feels like letting one out. We will certainly cherish that noise more than anyone could know. For that noise means life, means he's living and breathing. We will leave that hospital with our arms and hearts full for once. Instead of a box of mementos and traumatizing memories of what should have been.

 There is a car seat in our car and I can't tell you how many times I've looked in the rear view mirror and let a few tears out at that sight. A sight I longed for since we lost Emerson. I remember looking back in my old jeep after we lost her and closing my eyes tight, hoping that when I opened them she'd be there in a car seat but she never was. It wasn't a dream, she was gone. 8 years later, there's a car seat and I've closed my eyes tight, opened them expecting it to be gone. Like this wasn't really happening but it is. There are bags packed just in case I go into labor. There is a bag for our son, with diapers, blankets and all his tiny clothes. I have a son coming. I'm having a full term baby. As I type this he is in there rolling around. I can look down and see my belly moving. I have loved every moment of this pregnancy. There were moments when I was worried and scared. That's normal for what we've been through but this was a beautiful pregnancy. So much so that I'm not sure I'm ready for it to end LOL I've truly loved being pregnant with him. 

I've enjoyed seeing my husband so happy. Getting the experiences he deserves so much. He's been wonderful. He takes care of everything and happily. I even got an awesome foot rub the other day. I have enjoyed the moments when a true smile comes across his face. Sadly I've learned how to tell the difference from a real smile that looks forced and one that really has true happiness behind it.  He was so happy helping set up and attending the beautiful baby shower on my side of the family. Helping me open presents and kindly making sure I didn't lift anything.  He's the best father and I can't wait for all the new things we'll learn and discover together. 

We've been surrounded by many happy and supportive people. Truly a blessing. We had a beautiful rainbow baby shower from his coworkers (our Spanky's family). Walking into a room filled with rainbow colors made me choke up. This baby is really spoiled ;) To have a baby shower was a wonderful milestone and we've been blessed with 3 so far. All of them so beautiful and mean more to us than anyone could know. And each one included the girls too, which my heart just loved. We are mother and father to 3 children and it truly is a special thing to have all of them included together. 

I really have run out of words to explain this feeling. To explain all of this journey. It's been nothing but a dream for 8 years. We've fought so hard and now it's here. I can't wait to touch him, hear his noises, change the worlds worst diapers and give up the life we've know for over 12 years, to experience it in another light. I don't expect it to always be easy but we've buried 2 children, been through 9 pregnancies...we're ready for whatever comes our way. I'm ready for those difficult things for I am so tired of the difficult things we've dealt with in the past.

For those of you that have supported us non stop through the last 8 years, I love you. There is no way for me to ever let you know what you've done for us. How you've helped us. How you've supported us. How you've asked over and over if there was any more you could do. And how you've remembered our daughters with us this whole time, through the sad days and helped us honor them through this pregnancy. The out pouring of gifts we've been given, every single one we've cherished and truly feel blessed.  Please know that nothing you've done has gone unnoticed. Thank you. 

Believe in yourself and all that you are. Know that there is something inside you that is greater than any obstacle

    I don't even know where to start. My heart is so full. We had our first baby shower on the 15th. It was beautiful. A room filled with love. The perfect mixture of celebrating Emeric and remembering the girls. Gifts that included them, just so precious. My heart was beyond happy. We had a table with candles burning in memory of the girls, my way of having them there. I could not have asked for a better day.

Yesterday I stood in front of the washer watching his little cloth diapers spinning around. Tears running down my face. Something so small, something I had thought about for years was finally happening. I'm washing diapers and tiny baby clothes. I never thought we'd get to. I thought life was how it was going to be. We wouldn't have a child. We'd never see my belly get big, we'd never have a car seat in the car, but we do. We have a room filled with things just for him. A crib waiting. There's a baby coming. A full term baby. 8 years waiting for this moment, waiting to see diapers in the washer. Clothes in the closet and a car seat in the car. Finally. Finally. It is happening. There is no way to explain what this feels like. My heart feels like it's going to burst. The one thing we've fought for, for the last 8 years is coming true. 

There are sad moments that poke through. The moments where I dream of the girls being here and getting to meet their brother. Being included in his arrival and helping us with his things. Those moments happen often. I let them because there won't be a moment in my life where I don't think of them. I am a mother of 3, even though you can't see all of them. My heart will always carry them.

I'm ready. So ready to rock Emeric to sleep. Hold him, soak in each little feature of his face. Just as I did with his sisters. This time it will be different. I won't be looking at him and soaking it up because I know I have to give him back. I'll be soaking it up because I can't believe he's ours, he gets to come home with us and for once we'll watch a child grow up in our home. I'll miss his features because they'll change, not because that's the last time I'll ever see him. 

I've spent time in his room. Just standing there. Enjoying that it's no longer a guest room, it's HIS room. Life is going to change and for the better this time. I don't think he'll ever understand how special he is to us. It took a lot to get here and he's already bringing so much joy and happiness into our lives.

I get so choked up just thinking about the moment he fills his lungs with air and lets that cry out. Oh, that loud special cry. I have hoped for that cry for so long. 

Emeric, we've waited for you for so long. Tried so hard to get you here. I've dreamt of you for years and you're finally on your way. You're special to us, more than you will ever know. Every thing I ever did in my life was to get to this moment. I knew I was meant to be a mother when I was very young. It hasn't been an easy road, by any means...but you are worth it. Your dad and I haven't been this happy in a long time. I promise to do my best, to surround you with love and let you grow into the person you are meant to be. No matter what you do or where you go in life, I'll be there.Supporting every move you make. I'll love you forever. 


It's been so tough figuring out how to put these feelings into words. 8 years of waiting for this, I just can't tell you what this feels like. There are no words. I'm thankful for every person that's been with us during this journey. I can't tell you all how much I love you and appreciate you. I could not have pushed through this without you. That support was needed more than you could ever possibly know. Life was really hard and sometimes I needed someone to keep me afloat, most of you have no idea how many times you've kept me going. I thank you for that. 

Now we anxiously wait for Emeric to arrive and our dream to come true

Dear Courageous mama... I am you (sharing a blog post from another PAL mama)

Shared from http://www.stillbornandstillbreathing.com/2014/02/dear-courageous-mamai-am-you.html 

Extremely important for those going through a pregnancy after loss

Dear Courageous Mama,

I am you.  Right now I am currently 31 weeks pregnant with my baby after the loss of my first, and only child, at 40 weeks pregnant with my beautiful daughter.  I know you, because I am you.  I may not have all the same thoughts or the same experiences as you, but I can say I know.  I know this is hard because it’s hard for me.  It’s the most difficult thing I have ever done after giving birth to and burying my stillborn baby girl.  

I’m sorry to say that I don’t have any advice, as I’m not on the other side.  I am in the thick of it just like you and even if I was holding my current baby safely in my arms alive, I’m still not sure I would know the right words to say.  What I can share with you are my true feelings and honestly I’m really scared right now.  The truth is that every morning for the past five weeks I wake up terrified that my baby has died in the previous hours that I have slept, like my one before her did.  My heart pounds and my mind races with morbid thoughts of once again delivering a dead child until all of the sudden a familiar poke tickles my hand as I am reassured my baby is still alive inside me with the somersault I feel her completing within. 

You see, in that same moment, the one that was filled with terror before, is where gratitude also finds me and fills my soul with peace and an overwhelming sense of appreciation that I have been granted one more day, another chance, at bringing a living soul into this world.  To say the least, it’s confusing; to wake to these kinds of emotions each day and hoping to relive them tomorrow because that would mean that my one wish is still true.  That my baby will be born breathing and healthy and most importantly – ALIVE.

Maybe this letter doesn’t sound reassuring, but it is honest and to continue on this note of truth I would like to tell you that I do, oh how I do, try and try so hard to find joy in this pregnancy.  Each day I battle back anxiety, depression, anger, frustration, sadness, grief, and PTSD symptoms in an effort to choose joy over fear.   Sometimes I win.  But other days fear finds me again, usually in the moments when I begin to let my guard down and envision a life with a smiling, giggling, crying, breathing, living baby girl.  Here is where the ugliness of fear rears its head, saying “Remember, this pregnancy is only a trick, just like your last, you are not worthy of such a little blessing.”  But, I will not believe this liar known as fear and I fight back!  I feel the fear, welcome him and all of his deceptions, and choose joy anyway!!! Even though it’s hard as hell to do, I yell back in fear’s face and say, “TODAY I CHOOSE JOY!”  

In doing this I find a moment of peace that settles into my tired body and soul.  Then I look down at my round stomach and stroke my belly all the while praying to a God, I don’t believe in, and a Universe, that I no longer trust, to give me the strength to make it through this journey and remember to just take each day as a gift.  If I have learned anything over the past 14 months, it’s that I only get this day.  This gift.  This moment.  I only get now and in that now I want it to be filled with happiness, not fear.  I want my baby girl to know love, not dread.  And each day that is what I will give her by choosing joy. It’s not easy, like I said, It’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do.  

But I’m doing it.  Just like you.  WE are doing it.  Just by having the courage to try again we are choosing joy.  Just by waking up each morning and facing what obstacles and anxieties pregnancy throws at us we are choosing joy.  Just by being brave enough to be pregnant again we are choosing joy.  Remember, we, both you and I are courageous warriors who have stared down the face of fear and said, “I don’t choose you.  I choose joy instead!” and just by being here, wherever we are on this road of pregnancy after loss, just by saying yes to hopes of other chances and choosing joy, we have won.

Today, we have won.  

Love, 

Lindsey Henke

Fellow PAL Mom & Courageous PAL Warrior 

Pregnancy after loss takes a lot of courage. The anxiety, the ptsd that you deal with on a daily basis is too much to handle. The women who have been through it and have held me up on the nights that I fell to pieces, are women that I cherish and owe a lot to. After losing 2 daughters, and miscarrying 6 pregnancies, carrying this little man has been a difficult journey. I know that praying doesn't work, I know that nothing is guaranteed. There has been long, sleepless nights wondering if he'll come home, wondering if we'd make it to 24 weeks or even past 20 weeks. Those nights are slowly disappearing and I've chosen joy. I chose to love every moment that I have with him and just like his big sisters, they all brought so much hope and happiness into my life. I am so lucky for that. Lucky that things fell into place like they did, lucky that I found Dr. Haney, lucky to get the insurance to approve it and lucky to get pregnant again. 8 years since we started trying for children and I am so ready for the next chapter. So Courageous mama, I am you...

You are grieving right!

How ever you are grieving, you are grieving right <3 Be easy on yourself. Losing a child is the worst thing in the world. Do what you need to do to make it. Those that love you and are compassionate people (that have a heart), will understand you and allow you to do so. Those that don't, are not needed in your life. Take care of yourself. You are what matters

http://networkedblogs.com/TGv5l

Hello 3rd trimester!!!!!

    I can't properly express what this feels like! I am enjoying this pregnancy so much. Of course there was fear, well pure terror, that we'd never make it this far.  Here we are. Enjoying painting a nursery for the first time, buying baby clothes, registering for our baby showers and doing what expecting couples normally get to do. After 8 years our dream is finally coming true. It is truly amazing. 

As I was laying in bed the other night, Derrick was feeling baby move and he told me how happy and excited he was. How he thinks of baby all the time and things we'll get to do.  I'm happy that he'll finally get to do all the things he dreamed of doing. It's nice to watch him talking to my belly and smiling ear to ear. He deserves to finally be happy. It's been so good for us. 

Besides the fear this pregnancy has been so easy. I've been working full time on my feet at a physically demanding job. I haven't been sick. I feel normal, I just so happen to be pregnant :) Pregnancy agrees with my body and I'm loving it. Baby isn't even here yet and I can't wait to get pregnant again. If it wasn't for my past, I'd be a surrogate for as long as I could. 

I am living proof that the tac works. I really thought nothing in the world could help me. I never thought I'd be able to carry another child and certainly didn't think we'd make it to viability. Well here we are in the home stretch, preparing to bring our rainbow baby home. If I can do it, anyone can. And I can do what normal pregnant ladies get to do. I can workout, swim, work full time, shop, whatever I want with no restrictions. I was even cleared to continue my intense kettlebell work outs (I chose not to out of fear but may try it in the next pregnancy) I'm so thankful. 

I'm going to soak up my last trimester and enjoy every moment of it. I love this pregnancy and am so grateful to be able to experience what it's like to be normal for once. So excited to see baby and start the new chapter in our lives.

Exactly one year ago today!!

   

We were waking up in Chicago one year ago today. I had those weird antibacterial wipes that I had to use all over my body to prep for surgery. I got dressed and we headed downstairs. The hotel gave my husband breakfast to go since we were leaving so early and he'd be stuck waiting at the hospital. I still think that was so thoughtful of them. Then we waited, filled with anxiety and so nervous, for our cab to arrive. We hopped in and I thought I was going to puke from the nerves.

I remember being so excited too. We were there, somehow all the hassle with the insurance company and getting a surgery date in Jan, things just fell into place. I remember watching the town at 5am as we made the 20 min ride to University of Chicago Medicine. Knowing in just minutes that I'd be meeting the man that I had been calling and exchanging emails for what felt like over a year. They called a bunch of us back, anyone who had any kind of surgery was called into the room. They put you in a little area with a curtain, ask you all sorts of questions and give you your gown and sweet shower cap looking thing. Then Derrick was allowed back and we waited. Just a few mins longer and Dr. Haney walked it. He must have just got there because he had his black wool winter coat and scarf still on. He was smiling ear to ear and I was meeting the celebrity to all of us women with incompetent cervixes. He shook our hands and still smiling he started to explain to us how he was going to help us carry a baby to term. He used Derrick's hands and wedding ring to give us a visual of what was about to happen. I felt my heart fill with hope and a sad feeling of wishing I had known to do this before. I was in that room because my daughter's didn't make it. It was a mix of emotions, they'd be here if I had known and here I was feeling guilty because I hadn't. 

I felt like a ball of nerves.This was my first time going under anesthesia. I was so scared that for some odd reason I wouldn't wake up. The nurses and Dr. Haney's assistant assured me that I would be just fine.

Then it was time. I remember the anesthesiologist picking up the IV bag and helping hold my gown as Derrick and I walked in the hallway. My eyes welled up with tears. From the grief of losing my daughters to the pure happiness and gratefulness of being able to step foot in that hospital, for a life changing surgery. Then she said I could hug and kiss my husband and I just cried. I walked away and through the OR doors.

 She told me how the meds would work. I jumped up on the table and she told me the meds in my IV would make me smile. I laid down and they were talking to me as the medicine was going through. I remember smiling, like she said I would and talking through the mask on my face. Before I finished my sentence (still can't remember what they asked me or what I was talking about) I was out. I woke up probably an hour or so later. I woke up so nicely out of the anesthesia, wide awake and my husband was walking in. He had just finished with Dr. Haney. I guess he called him into an office and told him how things went. Dr. Haney mentioned my uterus and ovaries "we're gorgeous" and that he had no reason to think it would take long to conceive. He mentioned my cervix was long, which made him happy. He knew I'd have no problem carrying to term. The surgery went well and I'd be in the hospital 24 hours. They wheeled me to a room and I couldn't wait to eat something. They gave me an orange and it was the best tasting thing in the world at that time. My husband couldn't help but take a photo of me devouring that orange. Then the lovely morphine pump. I felt pretty good. Woke up the next day and was dressed and up. Dr. Haney was shocked and said that's what you get with a young healthy woman, she's up, dressed and ready to go just 24 hrs after surgery. He said he's never seen someone up so fast like that in all his years. I think it was pure adrenaline :) I was a happy lady that was excited that the surgery happened. That I carry a scar that means more to me than I could ever explain. 

And here we are exactly a year later.... 25 weeks 3 days pregnant. 100 days until little man's birthday and we were given the most priceless gift by an amazing doctor.  A chance at a normal, full term pregnancy. I have been on my feet 40 hrs a week, shopping after work and enjoying this pregnancy. What an amazing feeling! I can't thank Dr. Haney enough for changing out lives and giving us the hope that we needed to keep moving forward. He really saved our lives and gave us the opportunity to bring another one into this world.

6 Years 9 Months since Emerson, 2 years 5 months since Evelie and expecting our Rainbow baby and there is still stings of jealousy but a new kind

I had to share this today (blog link below)  because her words are so true. Thankfully I'm surrounded by wonderful people who completely understand and respect my feelings and allow me to handle myself how ever I need to, to survive a situation. Those people have no idea how amazing they are! Truly compassionate, good hearted people and I love them for understanding. Also, for sharing in this amazing pregnancy. Supporting me, letting me share this with them and never holding grudges against me when I couldn't face a pregnant person. 
Just because someone is happy absolutely does NOT mean someone else can't grieve. There is no time limit and it's no one's business to tell you any differently. You don't get over it, you learn to live with it. I've had so many people understand that. I'm amazed by the support and understanding from those that have never even lost a baby.
Even though I'm pregnant and passed all our milestones, I know the truth of what can happen. I envy those with the innocence left. Not thinking anything can go wrong. I still have a hard time with announcements, passing pregnant women etc. Those feelings probably will never disappear. It's been almost 8 years of this type of life, so those feelings may never go away. 

I send my love to anyone who knows this feeling and I hope you are surround yourself with wonderful people. 

http://stillstandingmag.com/2014/01/new-envy-rises/

“Hope Smiles from the threshold of the year to come, Whispering 'it will be happier'..

   This time last year I was counting down the days until we traveled to Chicago. I remember how nice it was to have hope and something happy to look forward to. Someone was going to grant me the opportunity to try again. Something that is priceless for women like me. If it wasn't for the TAC we would have ended our journey to be parents to a child on Earth after Evelie.

As I'm sitting here on New Year's day there's a sweet little baby boy that is kicking away in my belly. I've been on my feet the whole pregnancy. Something that seems like it's not such a big deal, but it truly feels amazing! Especially to a woman who had to spend her pregnancy on strict bedrest. Quick showers and only using the bathroom were allowed. The fear of standing up too long is gone. The joy of walking, shopping and soon I'll be going swimming for exercise!! Sure it's normal for other people, no big deal but I truly love it! I love that I can be up and there is no change, no issues and I feel absolutely free. Seriously no words for that feeling <3

We've passed our milestones with a cervical length of 5 (on average... at one point it was a 6!!) I believe normal is a 4 for non tac women. We're in new territory. No issues, no ER visits (there were many in Evelie's pregnancy) no contractions not even a single braxton hicks! Now this isn't as easy as I make it sound. There have been nights of crying myself to sleep because the anxiety of reliving our past, creeps in. We push through those days together. It's also difficult dealing with grief during a new pregnancy. I carry a lot of guilt. Wishing I had known to do this during Evelie's pregnancy. I could have saved her. I feel like a bad mom sometimes, when I'm happy for this little one. I'm afraid the girls will be forgotten, that we'll be too busy to do something on their birthdays or something along those lines. I've truly realized that there is no replacement for children. This baby is a different child. And though he'll be here, they will always be missing. We'd be a family of 5 but you'll only see 3 of us. The feelings during a pregnancy after loss are just too much to write about or try to explain to someone else.

The support we have is just so wonderful. This little guy has a lot of people all around the world waiting for his birthday <3 Warms my heart. SO many cheerleaders, so many involved in the pregnancy, I hope you all realize how much this has helped us. When I've had days where I thought it was nearly impossible that this was going to happen for us, there is always someone to pick me back up and talk some sense into me. That is a priceless gift that I could never thank you enough for giving me.

To all my tac sisters, you all see the anxiety in my daily questions and worry. And every time, no matter how many times you have to repeat yourself, you keep telling me what I need to hear. You keep telling me the truth and showing me evidence. You truly keep me sane. I can go to you at any time of the day and one of you will always be there. I love you ladies <3 I love the bond we have and I'm so thankful to have you all!! This little man has a lot of aunties <3

I am so ready for this year, so ready for the new chapters and experiences that are on their way. I'm loving that he has clothes in the closet and cloth diapers stacking up in the corner. I never shopped during any other pregnancy, just grabbed things and tucked them away for "someday" in hopes we'd have a baby.
I have baby wraps waiting to be used and this little man is getting spoiled by those around us before he's even here!

We're going to attend a prenatal breastfeeding class this month. I booked our birth photographer and the ladies that will encapsulate my placenta....yes, I'm doing that :) and so excited for the healthy benefits that brings!!  Oh and maternity photos!! We'll have those done soon too. By the way, I seriously love our photographer! She's a sweet heart and I can't wait for her to photograph his birth <3

I am so thankful for everyone, for everything. I am enjoying this pregnancy even through the scary parts and the anxiety that comes with it. I am grateful to be in this spot. It's been a lot of work to get here but I'd go through TAC surgery a million times over, just for the chance.


I am so grateful for my husband. For learning to do my 17p shots even though I know he was so scared to have that responsibility. His poor hand was shaking the first time and like anything we do, you just push through because you know it's for baby. No second thoughts, just do it. He did, he learned to do my shots and now we don't have to travel to the doc once a week. He was actually excited to do them (even though he was nervous) because it meant he got to be involved. He's been so great. Since I work full time, he doesn't want me doing much once I get home. He does the laundry, dishes and cleans the house. Keeps the snow and ice out of the driveway so I won't fall. On the days that I feel really good I'll help out too but for the most part he's kept the house clean. Sometimes I don't think he knows how much I appreciate that. It shows me how wonderful and involved he'll be as a dad (not that I didn't already know that) He's been with me every step of the way. Through all the happiness and definitely through all the difficult days. I love that man and wouldn't want to travel this journey with anyone else. I dream of the moment when the baby is born and he gets to hold him for the first time. For once I'll get to  look over and see happiness on his face when he holds his child. Not like it was in the past. He deserves that moment so much and my heart will overflow with joy and love. I can't wait for that ....I mean I can wait because it's not happening any earlier than full term, but you get what I'm saying ;)


We started our journey in 2006 and in 2014 we will achieve a dream that I thought was unreachable.
I am ready for you 2014 and all the joy you will bring. For the new experiences and responsibilities that await us.

I wish all of you a year full of happiness and blessings. As always, my heart is with my loss mommas. Still struggling at whatever point you are in your journey. I carry your babies in my heart and send you love and peace. I wish you nothing but hope and happiness as we head into another year.

Pregnancy after loss

        One of the ladies in a support group once told me that pregnancy after loss was not for the faint of heart. Now that I'm here. I believe every word of that. It definitely is not. Every twinge, every weird feeling, I feel like I'm going to lose my mind.
You feel like if you get too confident that life will be right there to take you down a notch. That you're not allowed to say "when we bring home this baby" instead you say "if we bring home this baby"
You have moments of excitement and confidence poke through but you're afraid that if you let them stay too long you'll jinx the baby.
You email your tac doctor just about every other day and realize how thankful you are for a man like him. To calm your fears and tell you everything will be fine. I know I didn't go to the top tac doctor for nothing.
I've had many meltdowns and cried myself to sleep because the anxiety of pregnancy after loss is so intense. Especially after losing 2 daughters. You feel like it will never happen for you. You stay as positive as you can, you talk about your baby with your husband because even if it's hard, you are so excited. You are very thorough in all areas of your pregnancy. You make sure you've got every thing you can possibly cover, covered.

I'm scared every moment of the day. I'm scared to go to sleep because my water broke with Evelie in the middle of the night. I'm so scared to reach the 20 week mark. I'm hoping we get there and then pass it.
I can't even express in words, the fear I have on a daily basis. I don't know how the women before me did this. I'm thankful for them, to have them cheering me on. Telling me that I'll be ok, that they felt this way too and now they are snuggling their newborn babies. I know this will be worth it. I wouldn't have fought so hard to get here if I didn't think that. It's just hard. Very, very hard. I'll be 20 weeks right around Christmas and I'm scared to death to travel anywhere. It's the busiest time of year and the scariest for us.

I don't know how I'm going to do this. Sometimes the fear is so overwhelming. I try to do one day at a time and sometimes I just try to sleep so I can't worry. Even though sleep is what I'm afraid of.
Some days it's just an hour at a time. My husband is so worried sometimes that he follows me around, especially outside the bathroom door and asks me a million times a day if every thing is ok. I love him. He takes on a lot of responsibility during my pregnancies. He cleans the entire house, vacuums, does the laundry and dishes and doesn't expect me to lift a finger. I do on the days I feel good and confident but on my iffy days, I don't do much of anything. Tonight he's making dinner and if it goes like normal he'll clean up too, without a word. He's such a wonderful man.
This will be the longest 6 months (hopefully) of my life. I just keep repeating, one day at a time, one day at a time. This baby will come home.  I didn't travel to Chicago for the top doctor to place a cerclage that is almost a guarantee that I'll have a full term baby, for nothing. Meditation and mantras will get me through.

Hello, loss #8

We learned about you, not that long ago but we knew quickly that you won't be staying either. Now we're just wondering when you'll be gone, just like the rest. Waiting for the loss to begin. Walking around feeling pregnant but waiting for it to stop. For a fleeting moment we had hope that you'd be the rainbow. One cycle in between loss number 7 in April, and you happened so quickly. I wondered what is going on with my body, I can get pregnant at the drop of a hat now. That has never been the case. It isn't anything to celebrate because we just keep losing all of you. Your mom doesn't have it together any more. She's embarrassed that she had to admit she needs to get professional help. This life has broken her so much, that she can no longer stand on her own two feet. She tries so hard to keep it all together. She's even lost the ability to lie when asked if she's ok. She can't smile and say "yes" she simply tells the truth. No, I'm not ok. I hate this life I've been given. It's completely unfair and no amount of praying or positive thinking will help. I'm wondering if it's time to tie my tubes. To give up because the last 7 1/2 years have been pure hell and it's torture to wake up and breathe. It's time to sort the baby stuff and sell the wraps. I can't handle seeing people wear their babies. A bond, I so badly wanted to experience. There is no point in hoarding things that won't get used. I didn't think I was going to have a child and I know those around me didn't think I would either. The comments I've heard, I'm not stupid. I know. I know they have no more hope than I have for myself. Why would they? Who gets pregnant 8 times with out a single child that lives? Who would ever think someone like that would succeed. I've worked so hard. Done so many tests, been poked probably more than a heroin addict. I work out, eat healthy, take the top prenatals, extra vitamins etc. I do it all and it still won't happen. I can't put myself through this any more. I can't even find words for how terrible I'm feeling. To fight for something so hard, that happens so easy for those around you. Feeling like you are worthless, not a women because you can't give your husband a living child.

“For after all, the best thing one can do when it is raining is let it rain.” ―Henry W. Longfellow

    I don't even have to energy to write much any more or the words the explain how I'm feeling lately. I have never struggled with something so much and for so long in my life. I've never felt so helpless, hopeless and worthless, as I do this very moment.

I'm envious of every one who gets to do the things I only dream of doing. I'm ready to sell all my wraps, all the baby stuff and give up. 7 years of this, 7 losses and I'm sure it's never going to happen for us. If it was going to, it would have already. I struggled with holding it together at work today. Trying so hard not to just break and cry. I'm pushed passed my limit. I feel like I've wasted my life, for nothing. The first 7 years of our marriage has been loss, struggling and every thing that goes with it. I could have gone to school, could have filled my time with something else. Instead it's just been pain because my only want in life was to get married and raise children. I had no passion for any thing else.

I'm angry. I'm struggling so much. I feel like I can't breathe. We've tossed around the idea of selling our house and moving some where else and starting over. I want to. I want to go some place where no one knows us. Where we can hide away from this life. Start over. Or travel so we don't ever have to get close to people, they'll never know our story, we can just run.

I should be close to 18 weeks pregnant and obviously I'm not. I'm tired of seeing every one around me easily get pregnant and I'm still here, trying. Trying so fucking hard and it hasn't happened. I don't want any encouraging words, because frankly there isn't such a thing. No words will fix the struggle I'm dealing with. How would you feel trying for your dream for 7 years and it still isn't happening? You think you'd still be positive? Able to think it will happen for you? Do you think you'd be able to hold it together?  I can't any more. It's not just trying for the dream, it's dealing with the pain of that journey.  The chance to raise a child will NOT fix the past. We have this and will have to carry it with us forever. A living child will never erase the girls, all the miscarriages and the pain. It won't. I'm sorry but this life is shit. It sucks.

I don't have words. Just anger. I'm to my limit. I'm not ok and I don't fit in any where. I'm so sick of this life. I want a different one. A do over. Today I'm not strong. I feel completely broken in more ways than one. So I apologize if I don't stop and talk to you, reply to your messages etc. I need to step away and take care of myself. I am not doing well and it's time to take care of me and try to fix myself. I feel more fragile this week than I have in this entire journey.

Drink in the richness of the whole, beautiful world that exists beyond the obvious. Marvel each and every day at the magnificence of life.

     This miscarriage was probably the most traumatic thing I've encountered since the death of the girls. Both emotionally and physically. I'm trying to figure out a way to say my feelings without going into too much detail. So forgive me if I say too much. It's hard to describe feelings without sort of painting a picture. This is kind of my place to let my feelings out.

      After we found out there was no longer a heartbeat I knew what my decision would be. In all my other miscarriages we always decided to go home and allow things to happen naturally. I'm too scared of having a d and c and don't want to take any pills to force things to happen. I'm not comfortable with either of those. Thankfully (and I say that because there really is no other word to use) my body seems to be able to do that ok. I'm rather angry that it seems my body has no trouble going through a miscarriage. It seems so much easier for my body to handle that, than it is to handle a pregnancy.

      So we went home and waited for nature to take it's course. I took two days off of work because I just didn't want to deal with the public. The next day after my doctor's appointment, I felt the contractions start. I stood in the bathroom hunched over the sink breathing through each one. The contractions are painful and I was so physically and emotionally drained. My husband was at work and I knew how this would go so I didn't feel the need to bother him. Unless there was an emergency. My best friend had messaged me to see how I was doing and I texted her through the contractions. I didn't know I needed someone until I was already talking to her. Just someone to be with me to keep my mind from going insane. I believe it was 4 hours on and off of contractions. I thought everything was over, the contractions stopped and I was able to lay down. That was on Friday the 19th. I returned to work on Monday and felt physically ok. Still upset and devastated over the whole thing. Monday passed and then Tuesday. Tuesday, out of nowhere I lost the baby. I was completely stunned. I thought it happened Friday. I'm really trying not to go into too much detail here but I know what my eyes witnessed.  It was both traumatizing and an eye opener.

I'm sharing this with you because there is something I want women to know. Through the tears and almost hyperventilating, all my emotions and devastation aside....I viewed something some people don't see. I think the world forgets or takes for granted how absolutely wonderful and beautiful it is that our bodies create humans. That from the moment of conception things happen so quickly, cells multiple, a heart develops and their little bodies form so quickly. How beautiful and what an honor it is to be able to carry a child. A child you created. For some, almost effortlessly. I want women to realize how amazing that is. I know it's normal to not think about it, it just happens. You get pregnant and without even thinking of how it really happens or what happens, a baby will most likely be born somewhere between 9 and 10 months later. 

I don't know what the future holds for us. If life was perfect we'd have 2 little girls or 7 children. We don't and I don't know that we'll ever have any children. I just know my heart aches so bad right now for the baby that should have been. And what a gift it is to be breathing. I was formed inside my mother's womb. I see my mother in a different light as well as all women. What an amazing thing our bodies do. I think pregnant women should celebrate and really feel what they are going through and feel accomplished that their bodies can do this. Seriously, what an amazing thing! To have the ability to grow another human and give birth. I wish with all my heart that I could do it, normally without any issues. I would give anything to do so. 

I'm still grieving and learning once again how to push forward. We've never had a miscarriage like this one. To see it on the ultrasound with a tiny flicker of a heartbeat and the next time it's not there. It doesn't help that something was wrong with baby and the little one just couldn't grow any further. You still had all the hopes and dreams for them, for the due date and time of year when things would be happening. It still hurts. It's still another little one that we had to let go. I had no idea it would be this painful.  So once again we try to find little things to look forward to (though nothing really does the trick) and you find yourself letting tears fall through out the week. When you allow the pain to soak in. I really thought this was it. Yet again, it's too good to be true.

 I know so many want me to be positive, to think "well at least I can get pregnant" but that isn't enough. Getting pregnant isn't enough, only when having a full term baby is the end result. Getting pregnant and losing them, is nothing to be positive about. I may not suffer from the infertility that once plagued us years ago, but we're still struggling to bring a baby home. And then you speak to your husband and you both realize your life is crap because no one would look at the two of you and say "I'd like their life" Not a chance. And though that's not what life is about, you do realize how shitty yours is. When no one else would want to walk in your shoes. And at this point, nothing will fix the past. Even a new baby won't replace what you've lost. You will always hurt, there will always be babies missing from family photos and events that happen in your life. There will always be two girls that my husband will never walk down the aisle, and I'll never help them get ready for school dances.  Sometimes I do wish for a do over on life. To start from the beginning and hope for a different outcome. All I can do is hope there are enough good days ahead to help us pull through. Maybe someday there will be enough good days to make this life really worth it. 

I'm trying hard to find something positive to hold on to but it truly isn't easy. I've never wanted or struggled for something so badly in my life. My only goal when I was younger was to be a mother. It really shouldn't be as hard as it feels like it is. So those of you that are fortunate enough to have your babies, look at them and marvel at what an accomplishment they are. It truly is amazing what a women's body can do. You should feel so proud. And even if they aren't your bio children, marvel in the fact that you are raising an amazing child that probably wouldn't have such a wonderful life if it wasn't for you. Mothers should be celebrated (and daddies too) You are lucky

It is not light that we need, but fire; it is not the gentle shower, but thunder. We need the storm, the whirlwind, and the earthquake.

(Wednesday April 17th 2013)

As soon as the rain started my mind didn't even have a moment to think. I grabbed my keys, jumped in my jeep and drove to the nearest open field. I've been so numb the last couple of days, I think I needed to stand in the rain to feel alive. Or maybe I was hoping I'd get hit by lightening. Either way, I wasn't thinking I just acted. You can judge and think to yourself  "oh that girl, she needs some mental help" Think what you will but you have not walked a second in my shoes. I choose to do what I do to survive and if you choose to judge me, that's on you.

It felt good to just stand in the rain, feel the cold drops hit me in the face and just cry. I haven't felt this numb in a while. It's an odd feeling to know your heart is pumping, your blood is flowing but you feel completely dead. To have hope taken from you and your husband for the 7th time. To get kicked in the gut and your future ripped from your hands, yet again.You get angry, really angry. It doesn't matter that it wasn't your fault or that baby just couldn't develop any more and apparently hearing that it can and would happen to anyone is supposed to help you....It doesn't. You feel broken and you wonder why life is so unbelievably unfair to you and your husband. 

Today is a terrible day. Knowing you'll lose the baby you are carrying inside you, while having to take someone's order for a baby shower cake at work. It takes everything you have to hold it together. When all you want to do it throw stuff across the room and run home. To know that at the ultrasound you have scheduled tomorrow, the tiny flicker you saw last time will no longer be beating and you'll see nothing moving on the screen. To be asked early that morning if you're pregnant yet and you muster up a smile and say "nope, not yet" When you just want to cry and say "I'm am, but not for long."  To pack away the maternity clothes you bought because you were already starting to grow out of your normal clothes. You knew you would, who wouldn't after getting pregnant for the 7th time. Then you realize you knew all along it was too good to be true, you guys aren't that lucky. For it to happen first cycle after surgery, for your hcg betas to rise correctly and you both were so excited. You couldn't wait to tell people because you thought it would be your turn, finally.... but you couldn't because you always lose them. Life isn't nice to us, we should have known better. Even though we do, it still hurts like hell and you know someone out there knows you'd fail at it again. Or at least expected you to.

And you know for the next few months you'll watch those that were due around you, grow big and you wish you were with them. You'll watch them have their babies and know yours would have been around that size. We're used to that, that's just what our life is. Full of visual reminders of the ages of all the children that should have been but never will be. Forgive me if I can't show up to your baby shower, I'm sorry I have to be selfish. I will never be strong enough to do so.

I've worked so hard for this, I do every thing right. I research about how to raise a healthy child, what you should and shouldn't do during pregnancy. I'd gladly show my butt cheek to the nurse to receive my 17p shot every week, the bi weekly cervical checks, travel to Chicago get an operation for the tac, take my baby aspirin, my folate, stay away from caffeine, don't touch cleaners at work, make sure not to lift heavy buckets, take vitamin c and e to hopefully strengthen my water bag because I fear it breaking and a million other things. I'd do all that again without a second thought but I'll never get to. My heart doesn't think it can try again. I don't think I can put my husband through this again. Watch his face light up when I surprise him with the announcement and then eventually the light fades and you hear what he had to deal with at work. And he couldn't handle it. You feel silly to ever think things would be ok. You did everything the way you were "supposed" to. You got married, bought a house and tried to have babies. Been married for 8 years and tried  a year after you were married. You watch everyone else get married and have babies and you're trying hard. Doing all you can, working so hard at it and each time you fail. It really beats a person down. 

Then you have to tell your mom. You know she'll be hurt, and you're afraid she expected it too. You'll wonder if anyone will ever think you can do it. Then she tells you "I'm your Mom, don't tell me not to worry about you.  I love you with all my heart, and I don't know how you do it. You've certainly inherited your grandmother's quiet strength. You don't even know you have it." You certainly feel anything but strong. You feel like you've let her down. You can't give her any living grandchildren. You've only given your parents and your inlaws heartache. Then your husband has to call his mother. She already made blankets and bought baby clothes. She's done it for you a few times before. You fear she'll give up on you too. That she expected loss as well, because that's all I've given her. You feel like a complete failure. 

And then you talk with your husband. Neither of you can do this again. You figure you'll just go through life like a zombie waiting until you pass away yourself. Or do you keep trying and killing yourself over and over in hopes that one of these times it will happen. But how many times will it take? He tells you he can't stand to see you poked a prodded.  Can't stand to see you get your hcg levels checked every 48hrs and then you both wait by the phone for the nurse to tell you if they've doubled. Can't watch you jump on the ultrasound table again and hold your breath until something shows on the screen. Then you are either happy or let down, most likely let down. Then you're pissed because you don't understand why it's so difficult for you. You feel terrible for your husband because you wish he married someone else, he wouldn't know this pain and he would most likely have children by now. He's a great dad and he deserves to parent children, he'd be damn good at it. He'd cherish things most people probably take for granted and he'd appreciate the cries because it means they're alive. 

You're stuck. You don't know what to think. You know your mind will do what it has to, to protect you. It's amazing what the brain does to move you through grief. You'll be numb and then eventually the waves of grief and sadness, jealousy etc will come. But your mind will only allow so much at one time. You'll crack once in a while. You'll yell at your husband for something that doesn't matter just because you want to yell. You'll throw the phone or throw something outside. You'll stop cleaning your house. Maybe you'll quit giving a crap about how you look, because it takes too much effort to put makeup on and curl your hair. Your brain can only do so much at once. 

I imagine by now, you realize we're miscarrying another child. One that was supposed to make their debut in November this year. It was too good to be true. Getting pregnant for the first time naturally, no fertility meds..nothing. Just a surprise, first cycle after tac. Everything looked ok for a little while and then you're excitement was taken away and you had to wait in limbo for news. So please, I ask that I no longer have to hear "are you pregnant yet." We're telling you of the miscarriage so you hopefully understand how painful it is to hear those words. I truly appreciate where they come from, I know it's from excitement and support. I really do know that. But right now it hurts too much to be asked that. We're not sure if we'll try again. It's too hard to think about that right now. I don't want you to offer me your children, or talk to me about adoption or other options. I know it's really just because you care and you want us happy but my heart can't deal with that at the same time. Please don't tell me how you think this is a part of god's plan. This loss has nothing to do with the tac, it was before the 2nd trimester, nothing to do with my past or any problems I had, nothing to do with how healthy or unhealthy you think I am. Apparently baby just couldn't continue to grow and develop. I guess it can and does happen to anyone. It doesn't mean I'm broken, though I absolutely feel that way. Doesn't have a single thing to do with any of my past or history. I feel the need to point that out because I know that's the first thing people think. Or you'll think for some reason the tac failed. The tac has nothing to do with 1st trimester losses.

 I love you all for being my cheerleaders and for constantly holding me up when I couldn't do it myself. I've secretly kept all your motivational words that you've messaged me in the past or posted on fb. I look at them when I need a lift. When you feel like a failure and you read a message where someone compares you to a phoenix or tells you they know how you feel. The one that tells you they know defeat isn't in your vocabulary. You read them and you wonder if they know the same women you do. You do not feel like the girl they are talking about. You just hope you can get there again someday. Hope is a powerful thing and when you no longer have it, there isn't anything worth living for. I have never struggled this much for something in my life. Never fought so hard for something and It feels extremely unreachable. 

You take one day at a time, sometimes one minute at a time. Pick yourself up off the living room floor. Change your wet, rainy clothes and drink a mountain dew because that's your form of self destruction. Then sleep because you know tomorrow will be difficult when you see the empty ultrasound screen and know that once again your hopes and dreams will leave with the baby you had inside. 

To have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness or in health, to love and to cherish 'till death do us part.

      I've had so much on my mind lately that I'm not sure where to start. Today as I'm sitting home alone (I enjoy my time to just think) I realize how amazing my husband is. I'm not lucky in many parts of life but in the husband department, I am. 

I'm glad that at 16 years old I set my eyes on him at my first job and didn't give up until he said he'd hang out with me. He made me work hard for that ;) Trips back and forth from his house to mine and the long distance phone bills (I'm sure my mother remembers those!) We were young and in love. Life was perfect. After a year of dating I got a promise ring and another year later he proposed. We set a date and a year and a half later we were married. A couple months in, we decided to start trying for a baby because I was told at 16 I'd never be able to have children without having IVF. We never expected to get pregnant, but we did first try and that was Ms. Emerson. He never missed a doctors appointment and was by my side through it all. Those moments in the hospital it showed me what a wonderful man I married. He wouldn't leave the side of my hospital bed, not even to go to the cafeteria and eat. He emptied the portable toilet by the side of my bed, changed the little bed pad thingy and held my hand, day in and day out. He arranged to be off of work to stay by my side. We were prepared for a long stay in the hospital. That week was traumatizing but the wonderful man that I married never left my side. And when we arrived home from the hospital, he answered calls and dealt with visitors. He handled it all as I sat in terrible shock and grieved. He did all this while he was grieving as well. 

He went to follow up appointments with me. Questioned every doctor and we held on to hope. He would listen to me cry and hold me. Through all the early miscarriages (4 of those total) all the negative pregnancy tests, baby shower invites in the mail, pregnancy announcements from others when we so desperately wanted it for ourselves. He stayed. When I just wanted to make him a daddy and there were times when I wish he had married someone else, so he could have skipped all of this traumatic heartache. When I felt like I ruined his life because of my broken body. He put up with all of it. When the grief was so thick that we both couldn't function and life got rough, he stayed. He did all he could to help me stay pregnant. He's an amazing husband and an even better father. I imagine a lot of men wouldn't stick around. 7 years of the same heartache, waiting for heartbeats on ultrasounds, standing outside the bathroom door asking if I'm bleeding because he's so scared we'll lose another, negative pregnancy tests and holding our breath for the bi-weekly cervical length scans with Evelie. I know what it all feels like and I can't believe he never left me. He's still here. Through the whirlwind of the last year, calling Dr. Haney having our phone consultation with him. Derrick asked him so many questions. When I had all mine answered, he still stayed on the phone and made sure Haney answered all of his. Listening to me cry when insurance denied me, then getting different insurance and watching me stress out about getting my surgery approved. And finally traveling with me to Chicago and being a great husband and taking care of me during recovery. Hope is a powerful thing. He is the only person in the world that knows what this journey feels like. He's the only person that I can say "this is how I feel" and he understands it. Sometimes things are hard, we've been through a lot. And I forget how amazing he is and how lucky I am. When he could have easily walked away when this all got too hard, he didn't. He stayed and here we are. I'm proud of how far we've come. I had someone once tell me that we'll be together when our children grow up and move out, because we worked together before we had them. We'll know how to stay together when they're gone. I think the world of him and need to remember to let him know that more often. 

I can't explain to you in words how much I love this man and am thankful things fell into place at the young age of 16. Almost 13 years together. Lots of heartache, 2 beautiful girls that we had to let go, 4 early miscarriages that we never had the chance to meet and endless heartache and just a bit of hope to keep us going. There isn't anything in the world we want more than to raise children and we'll give up anything to do so. I am lucky to have a man by my side that will stand in this storm with me. I can't wait for the day I get to see him holding our child and smiling instead of crying. Until then I need to learn to cherish him and appreciate him more. He's one of a kind. Again, I don't feel like a lucky person at all but I'm extremely lucky to have him. 

Derrick, I don't know what the future holds and I'm sorry the past has been so painful. Thank you for loving me for better or worse, in sickness and in health and taking care of me at my worst. Staying by my side and not leaving when things got hard. I don't tell you enough what you mean to me. I love you with all my heart. I hope in the future we finally achieve the goal we've both worked so hard for. 

A special lady

 Today I am reminded that I am surrounded by wonderful people who have allowed me to openly grieve and have been nothing but loving and supportive of me. They support me when I'm happy and love me even when I'm not my greatest.

Today my eyes were opened. I work in a bakery. We hired a new cake decorator back in August. I haven't noticed a single baby shower cake in a very long time. I didn't really pay much attention to it. Then I was told that our new decorator (who obviously knows my story) decided to take all the shower cakes that come through and work on them only after I leave. She hid them from me. She never speaks of pregnancies in front of me. This whole time I had no clue. I'm amazed that someone could possibly figure out what could hurt a mother like me and be so sensitive. It's not easy to do. I know it's not. I know I confuse people because I talk about baby stuff but it's easy to talk about (sometimes)  when you have hope for the future. Pregnancy announcements still sting and certain days I hate anything to do with babies. I don't want to see baby clothes or hear about children. So I KNOW it isn't easy to figure out what could hurt another person like me.

I'm amazed that she would even think of that. After talking about that at work today, I found out other things she does to protect me. She found out someone that we both know is pregnant, and without me knowing she asked someone else if I knew. Then asked them how I was handling it. How could she possibly know that I might be having a hard time with it? How could she know those annoucements still sting, no matter how happy I am for others, they still hurt. I still wish it was me. I didn't even think she knew they were pregnant because she didn't mention a single thing about it. And in great detail she can tell you how she thinks it makes me feel and she hits the nail on the head every single time. She is an amazing human being. It take s a lot of work to hide cakes and orders from me. I still can't believe she's done that for over 7 months. That means the next baby shower cake I'll see will be my own. I don't think she realizes how special that is for me. I'm shocked. Nothing could ever tell her how sweet and caring I think she is. It takes a lot to see the world through someone else's eyes, especially a mother who had dealt with infertility and lots of loss.

She even recognizes the girls. I was making Derrick a birthday cake and she slipped one purple and one pink candle for me to take to him. She said she wanted him to make a wish and those candles represented the girls. I've only told her their colors once. This women has such a beautiful heart. She cries with me from sadness and sheds tears of happiness with me. I am so thankful to know her. I appreciate her more than she could ever know.

Even living this life, it's hard to know what might be a trigger and bring on pain. I'm shocked that someone on the outside could put themselves in my shoes and see the world differently. To go out of her way to hide baby shower cakes until I finished my shift. She told me that she wants to make my cake. She said I could have as many as I wanted if I couldn't decide on one design. She knows I never had a baby shower and I've always dreamed of it. She's a special lady and I'm lucky to have her in my life. <3

Happiness often sneaks in through a door you didn't know you left open.

 (I had to add this after I wrote this~I always start writing and it always seems to go in many different directions. I noticed that tonight as I wrote this. I'm all over the place. So enjoy that lol)

I haven't felt this happy in a long time <3 There will always be bad days. It happens. With every single breath I take, I will always miss my girls. There will be triggers that bring the grief to the front. I will feel guilty about being happy when I shouldn't be, because my babies are not here. Nothing will ever make me feel better about grief or coping with it. I love them with every single bit of myself. I would have been a damn good mother to them. 

This surgery has been an eye opener. I cried a lot. From happiness and sadness. Realizing I was only traveling miles away to see the top doctor because my children died. I was only there because they weren't here. Children are not replaceable. No matter how many we have there will always be 2 girls missing from every family photo. 2 girls that we missed a life time of experiences with. 2 girls that Derrick will never walk down the aisle. 2 girls that will never dance in our living room and never bake cupcakes with me.

That is a lot to carry for parents. A lot to handle. It rips my heart out every day to wake up and breathe. Remembering I watched them take their first and last breath in the same day. Then having to visit a cold headstone where they lay beneath.Where Evelie's tiny body holds Emerson's urn. Something parents should never go through.

Now I realize this didn't turn into to what sounds like a happy post. It is. I'll explain. I do carry that with me every day of my life. Not a second goes by that I don't think of them. It has taken me a very long to not feel guilty about being happy. Everyone has their opinion on how people should handle grief. They often say " I don't know what I'd do if that happened to me, I wouldn't be able to get out of bed" etc. It isn't easy but I had to get out of bed. I had to go to work. I have to face babies, pregnant women and pregnancy announcements. I wanted to stay in bed, I wanted to die. 

Then there was a day when my husband called me from his job. He told me we couldn't go on living like this. We had to try again for another baby because if we didn't we'd never be happy again. I didn't say a word, I couldn't. The tears were just streaming down my face. I had something to live for again. I had something to look forward to. I had a reason to keep living. We talked about how I would find more info on the tac (transabdominal cerclage) and then I'd set up the consultation with Dr. Haney. I scheduled the phone consultation with Haney. Prepared my list of questions for him. And then we waited a month for the actual call. We got both phones out so Derrick could sit in, ask questions and hear what Haney had to say too.

Dr. Haney spent over an hour on the phone with us. Every thing on my list, he answered before I had the chance to ask it. He explained how the tac works from an engineers point of view. Derrick loved that, he completely understood what was going to happen. He told us that I would be cured. That the reason I lost both of my girls would be fixed. He explained why the cerclage that we had with Evelie didn't work and how this is much different with a significantly higher and almost perfect success rate. I know a lot of women who have seen him. My friends and family know I don't do anything without researching the crap out of it. Any article with Haney in it, I've read it. This mother can research and dig up stuff better than the fbi.

The phone consult ended on such a wonderful note. I then tried to get health insurance. This was a long process. No one wants to cover a women with pcos, a history of fertility meds, miscarriages, infant loss, and 2 lengthy expensive hospital bedrest bills. I sounded like one hell of an expensive women on paper and just a headache for them. I finally got on insurance and had to wait 6 months (on top of the 3 I waited to just get denied over and over from other insurance) because I obviously have a pre existing condition. That wait was such a long wait. I remember feeling so defeated. Not even sure if they'd cover the surgery. I never thought I'd see the end of the waiting period. It helped us get through the holidays. Having something to look forward to. Honestly if we didn't have this, I am not sure how life would have gone. Christmas has been hell for the last 6 years. We finally had something to be happy about.

During the waiting period I kept researching. Talking to all the ladies I knew that had this done. Getting to hear how normal their pregnancies were. How they got to work, no bedrest. Just like a normal pregnant women. That is exciting. Though I know I won't be normal, because I know loss. I will worry every second of my pregnancy. Probably won't enjoy it because of my past. I'll do it because that's what I have to do. 

Now the 6 months is up. We've past it. We traveled. I did it. Even though I was scared out of my mind about going under, it's done. So this new chapter starts. 7 years, 4 miscarriages, giving birth to 2 sweet baby girls and watching them take their last breaths, the pain, the moments of not wanting to go on and it feels like we get to go forward. We don't go forward and forget what happened. We will carry that with us, each step. I have researched the things I wanted like cloth diapers, how we want to parent etc. for as long as we've been married. 8 years. It feels like we will finally get to put this stuff to use. Every day when I look at my child. I will try my hardest because I have 2 little girls that I gave everything for. They will help me remember to do my best. They will help me on the hard days. There will always be reminders and triggers of what I didn't get to do with them. Always. But I will hug a little tighter, love deeper and kiss whenever I can because there are 2 girls that never got that. I will make up for what I never got to do for them. 

 They have taught me so much. I cried when I was in Chicago because they weren't here. I also cry because I was there to have a chance at happiness. I miss them more than anyone could know. No one knows what we've gone through. No one knows how many times I've cried. How many times I have wanted to throw my furniture out on the lawn because I was so angry and didn't know how to express my pain. How many times I've gone through their items and sobbed because I just want to touch them one more time. I can allow happy days. I can grieve but be happy too.

Today I am happy. We finally have something to look forward to. The surgery is done. My ovaries are "gorgeous" and we have a new chapter to write. I haven't smiled as much as I have in the last month. I am finally happy. We are finally happy. I forgot what this felt like. It's been so long. I am excited for the future. Excited to see Derrick with our babies, in a positive setting. And not in the heartbreaking, tragic ones I've witnessed. I am ready.

the strips are off

      Today I got to take my steri strips off my incision. Feels weird to have nothing on it. I stood in the mirror and just looked at it. It's not nearly as big as I thought it was going to be. I wouldn't care if it was huge. I'm just happy to have it. It's pretty tiny and he managed to get it so low. Not like this mom body is going to be wearing any bikinis but I was very surprised how low it was. 

From what Dr. Haney said, my ob will be using that incision for any further c-sections. I'm still sore and using pain meds. Not nearly as much as I was but I still need something once in a while. And well, percocet sleeps are the best sleeps ever! 

I can't believe it felt like forever ago that we were counting down to when we could even call to see if we could have the surgery. Now it's done and over with. It went so well. We will never forget how life changing and awesome the trip was. We were on cloud 9 the entire time.  

Now I'm crossing my fingers it doesn't take long to conceive. I do not miss that roller coaster of emotions and hope we don't have to go through all of that again. My heart goes out to the ladies that are still going through that. I will never forget what it feels like to watch everyone around you get pregnant and bring home their babies, while you are still waiting for your positive test.

Just some thoughts

     We're home now and I'm off of work recovering. I'm holding on to each word Dr. Haney said to us while we were in Chicago. I can't believe we did it. We traveled there, I went under and the tac is in. My incompetent cervix is healed. It's no longer and issue and now we can have children. 

 I've said it a million times but I wish I recorded everything he said. It was amazing. There was no doubt in his voice. Just very matter of fact. We'll have a child and life will keep going. I can't believe it. This long journey can finally be over. We've been in it for so long, I don't know how to not do it.

I'm still amazed that my ovaries are no longer poly-cystic, my tubes and uterus are great. I did not expect that at all. I'm hoping this happens quickly for us. I'm ready for this terrible journey to be over. I'm tired of being bitter about pregnancies and babies and all the baby crap that comes in the mail. I'm so over all of this. 

I'm surprised at how easy surgery was. I was scared sick of going under and that was so easy and I woke up in recovery very quickly. I wasn't groggy and I was up and moving faster than they thought. I'd do this a million times over for the chance to bring home a baby. I'm an official tac sister. 

I'm ready to buy baby stuff and get to do all the things we were supposed to do almost 6 years ago when Emerson came along. I'm so ready for the next chapter of our lives. 

Hopefully getting pregnant is easier this time around. I can't imagine why it wouldn't be. I no longer have pcos and everything has been normal with me since I had Evelie.

This is such a weird feeling. This chapter is almost closed. I feel sad, confused, happy and excited all at once. We deserve this. We deserved it 6 years ago and we were robbed. Robbed many times. And we're on our way and I still can't believe it. There are no words for the emotions we feel. I have never seen my husband as happy as he was after he spoke with Dr. Haney. This was the best decision of our lives

Tac surgery

We arrived at the hospital at 6 am for my 7:30 am surgery. I was on the verge of tears all morning. Mostly worried about going under but this was emotional because we were only to this point because we lost children. They take your name, your spouse's name and cell number and then you wait in a waiting room with lots of other people that are there for different surgeries. Then once all of the surgery patients arrive, they take you all back to pre op together.

In a group they start putting you behind the little pre op curtains and going over your medical history. Then you get into your gown, slippers, the little cap thing and they start your IV. I cried multiple times behind the little curtain. They take your clothes in a bag and then you wait for the resident and surgeon to come in. They allow your husband to come back at this point. Finally, I wanted a familiar face and needed support.

Dr. Haney's resident stopped in. I think her name was Sam.She was the sweetest little Asian women, all smiles,super nice and very young. She had wonderful bed side manner and had to go through all the paper work with me. She said that a doctor there was asking 1000 women that were having gynecological surgeries if they'd participate in an ovarian cancer study. If I wanted to participate I would just donate a tiny piece of tissue that he would compare to ovarian cancer patients in order to help them figure out more about it. So I signed the papers to help with that. It didn't hurt me and didn't affect the surgery in any way, so I was all for it. She then crouched down to my level and said she had to ask the hard questions, the reasons why we were there and my pregnancy history. She was so careful when asking. I really loved her.

Then Dr. Haney stopped back there. He was dressed in a wool coat, with his scarf still on and all smiles. He congratulated the resident because he found out she won a huge award given to her by her peers for being the best resident/student in the whole university. He then shook our hands and then explained what he was going to do. He used my husband's hands as a visual. Explained that the tac was going to go high up. He put his hands around Derrick's imitating the band and then asked Derrick if he was able to open his hands, obviously he couldn't. That demonstrated what the tac does. You can't funnel to it and nothing is going anywhere. He spent a long time back there with us.  Then before I knew it the anesthesia lady (another sweet women) came back to walk me down the hallway. She got me out of the little pre op curtain area and through the doors, there in the hallway I had to say good bye to my husband. I was shaking and starting bawling. I was nervous, scared and emotional. I missed my kids and wasn't ready to say good bye. She was so nice, carried my IV and into the OR we went. I got up on the table, she put something in my IV but I didn't notice a difference, didn't feel weird at all. Laid my arms out and she was asking how long I have been with my husband and how young we were when we met, then I felt a little spacey. Someone walked over and put a mask on my face and I was breathing in, then they asked me something about my husband and I remember answering them (still don't know what they asked or what I said to them lol) but I remember trying to talk with the mask on then I was out. They didn't even warn me, didn't tell me it was anesthesia. I thought it was oxygen, maybe it was. Who knows. I then woke up in recovery and didn't have my glasses on so I couldn't see a thing.

I remember waking up slowly and then wanting water really bad. I didn't say a word. During this time, Haney was speaking with my husband and telling him how surgery went. Apparently my ovaries are no longer polycystic. The doctor said 'her tubes, ovaries and uterus are gorgeous" yes, those are his words. Derrick was obviously very excited about that and explained to the doctor the changes I've made in my life and he said that must have fixed everything. He told him the surgery went great and my cervix was long and he was very happy with the placement of the cerclage. That in fact the only thing wrong with my cervix was that it was weak, and not short so that was great news. The tac cures the weakness of it and he is not worried at all about the length. He was very happy about that.

 He told Derrick that when he was allowed back in recovery with me that I'd be very groggy. To his surprise I was very alert and wide awake. Apparently anesthesia agrees with me and I had no problems with it at all. The one thing I worried about and it ended up just fine. They wheeled me up to my room and I had already been pushing that morphine button. I loved the morphine. It didn't make me feel funny at all, just took the pain away.

I was up on some maternity ward, no sure what kind but they had baby stuff in my room and I heard babies crying etc. The nurses there weren't the greatest and I remember pushing my button for something and she didn't answer it for 2 hours. She never showed up until I pushed it again. Anyways I was kind of happy that they didn't come in often. As long as I was ok, I'd rather not be bothered. I had vitals checked by other people once in a while. Other than that we just hung out and I ate right away. Lots of fruit, yogurt, a smoothie, cottage cheese and a salad. I hadn't eaten since 7pm the night before and it was around noon at that point. I packed that food in :) I was surprised I wasn't feeling nauseous and the nurses seemed surprised by it too.

I dozed off here and there and then was so excited and on cloud 9 that I couldn't really sleep. We managed my pain and then ordered dinner later. At that point I felt a little sick because I was pushing my morphine a lot and tried to eat. Once I sat up I felt sick but if I laid down, I felt better. I kind of ate dinner laying down. We spent a lot of time going over all the positive things Dr. Haney told Derrick. He said I was better off than a normal pregnant person now. My cervix was stronger than the average person and I could work, exercise, bathe, and carry on like normal during pregnancy. We haven't been this happy in a long time.

I slept on and off through the night and woke up at 4am when they come in, take your morphine away and make you get up. I felt good. I got up and had some pain, but once I was up I felt much better. I asked if I could get dressed and then we walked the halls. It was difficult at first because I was so stiff. I hung out in the room waiting for Dr. Haney and his assistant to come by and discharge me. The sweet little women, his assistant came in and I was all dressed and up. When she noticed me, she almost fell over. Said I looked wonderful and has never seen a patient that had surgery less than 24 hrs, up and about. She was shocked. I was probably on a natural high still. She checked my incision and told us once again how happy Haney was with how it all went. She was very happy too and said she was very excited for us and our future. She couldn't have been more sweet, so caring and I seriously loved her.

We waited a little bit longer and Haney came in. He was completely taken back that I was up and about. Even told one of the nurses that he's never seen this before. I had no idea how insane it was, that I was up, I just felt good :) He said that's what happens when you are a young, healthy women, you just bounce back after surgery. He then went over everything that he had already told Derrick while I was in recovery. How great it went and how the next pregnancy we will bring home a baby. Even the nurse said how great this tac was and she has seen many women come through with it and have children now. I knew that, because I know women with it and researched it enough :) He spent a long time with us and then we got our photo with him. I am sure I'm missing some details and I wish I had time to sit down and do this right away but we were enjoying the happiness and the positivity from the days.

I just feel great. Lucky to have this opportunity and so happy we were able to get this done in January. I'm glad anesthesia went well and though the day was so emotional, it was so great too. He renewed my hope and we have no doubts the next pregnancy will be a success. I wish I recorded everything he told us, so that everyone could hear it. You'd be a believer too, if you spoke to this man. He has the stats and I wouldn't have gone to this length if I didn't have proof that he's the top doctor.

I am so happy that we did this. I'm literally just speechless and no words can explain the feelings we have right now. Just pure happiness and I can't wait to bring home a child.