I warn you that this will be long, I am putting all feelings and all experiences out there so it may be hard to read. Her delivery was extremely painful both physically and emotionally. I am telling you that I am not holding back anything, just because this story is also her life story. These moments are the only moments I had with her. So I'm putting it all out there.
To get up to speed. Emerson was born at 20 wks 1 day because I have an incompetent cervix. That means my cervix opens silently without contractions or pain and just from the weight of the baby. That was undetected in her pregnancy because that was my first pregnancy and I had nothing going on that would tell them I was having problems. I was dilated without knowing and that allowed infection to get in and eventually sent me into labor. So once I got pregnant and we knew it was a healthy pregnancy we covered all bases to prevent what happened with Eme from happening in this pregnancy. I would get a cerclage early on, which is a surgery where they stitch your cervix shut so it doesn't open early. I had a spinal for that surgery. The cerclage was placed when I was 14 wks pregnant. In the operating room they noticed that I was already dilated to 1cm that early on, confirming to them that I do in fact has cervical insufficiency. I was put on a z pac for the 2nd trimester to prevent infection from happening, again just another prevention to make sure baby would be safe. I was on one baby aspirin a day to prevent clotting in the placenta, again as a prevention because that could possibly happen and cause a loss. I had no reason to have to take it but my OB said it would only help not hurt. I took 4 mg of folic acid a day for a blood disorder I have called MTHFR. Also my prenatal and progesterone supplements just in case I had low progesterone in early pregnancy. I didn't but it only helps doesn't hurt. I stopped those at 12 wks and started p17 shots at 16 weeks to prevent premature labor from starting. Those are in case you have an irritable uterus it will help it so it doesn't contract. I think I remembered all the things I was on. My regular Ob was amazing and did everything possible to make this pregnancy full term.
After the cerclage surgery she decided it was best to quit working and be on modified bed rest (basically a couch potato) again just a prevention. I didn't argue, I was ready to do anything.
I was going to do anything possible to make sure this baby came home. I only got up at home for bathroom and showers. I went to my Dr. appts and started using a wheelchair just to cut down on walking so much. I didn't have to but I wanted to make sure I did everything. All my cervical lengths were good, and the cerlage was holding well. At my 18 wk appt I was asking tons of questions about my water breaking. For some reason (mother's intuition as my dr later said) I was so very worried about it breaking early. Probably because its the one thing you can't prevent, and we were preventing everything else. I told her I was scared to sneeze because I thought my water would break, scared to stand up and shave my legs in the shower for fear of bending over would make my water break. She told me to put a plastic lawn chair in the shower if it made me feel more at ease, then I could shave my legs without feeling like I was going to hurt anything. She even did the paper test on me to ease my mind that I wasn't leaking amniotic fluid. Little did I know that it would really happen to me 2 weeks later, my greatest fear. The only thing we couldn't prevent happening, happened.
August 14th at 8 am in the morning I woke up at exactly 20 weeks with wet pajamas. I panicked, I knew what this meant but I also had a tiny bit of hope. I had hope from my previous stay on 4 center (where I was hospitalized with Emerson for 5 days trying to save her), I knew that my water could break and baby could stay in. I didn't know details but I remember hearing about dry births. Of course I panicked, I don't trust my body much because it never seems to do what its supposed to. I checked in to my local hospital because I didn't want to make the car ride to GR for safety of baby and for my sanity. I couldn't handle the hour drive there not knowing what was going on. We checked in and without consulting anyone else the midwife there told me they were taking out my cerclage and that I'd deliver my baby within 3 days. Shock hit again, just like it had 4 years before. Me, I started questioning everything multiple times. I told them it wasn't coming out. I knew that if I didn't go into labor, that touching my cerclage would make me go into labor. That stitch was the only thing keeping my cervix from dilating from the incompetent cervix that I have.
We waited for the actual Dr. to get there, she said the same thing until I then told her everything I knew. I'm not uneducated in this situation. You're kidding right? I've spent the last 5 years filling my brain with everything related to fertility, pregnancy, incompetent cervix, and as many pregnancy complications as I could. I was not going down without a fight. No way! Once she realized I knew what I was talking about, she compromised. She started antibiotics to ward off infection, then I was staying for a couple days for observation. They did an ultrasound and at that point I still had enough fluid that was in the normal range. This confused her, and then made her think my water might not have broken. I had 10cm of fluid in there and you needed anywhere from 6cm-24cm of fluid to be considered normal. So we had a bit of hope that my water didn't break at all. They'd watch me over night and check again in the morning. The fluid was still normal in the morning too so as the Dr. had no idea what was going on with me, she called my MFM doc in GR. They decided they would take me since no one was sure what was going on. I hoped so hard that somehow I pee'd myself (and I wasn't crazy for thinking that because the doctors thought that too) and it wasn't amniotic fluid at all.
Fast forward. It was, I was leaking fluid and after many ultrasounds and a few days later I was down to less than 5cm of fluid. That confirming my fluid had leaked and I was not in a good position. But again back on the rollercoaster. The Hope board on the 4 center floor had women whose water broke at 17 wks and they made it to 30!! Ok, so we had hope. As long as labor didn't start, infections stayed away we'd be in good shape. The doctor didn't know if I'd make it, she knew we'd have a preemie but not sure how premature. She said we could probably make it to 28 wks but she didn't have confidence for anything past 28, but she also followed that with anything can happen and I could go much further. Days were passing and things were good. I had some bleeding but it stopped and they kept wanting to remove my cerclage but I wouldn't let them. I knew if they touched it I'd go into labor (most likely) so they agreed to follow my requests. But they always followed that with "you know if labor starts, it has to come out", I was aware but I was not giving up my fight. I was heading towards 21wks, a whole week of low fluid and still not going into labor. We were counting down the hours (and I'm not lying, we posted it in our room) until 22 wks where they would start the steroids for her lungs. That gave us a chance, baby would then be considered viable. All was quiet, nothing happening then 3 days away from getting her steroids my body goes into labor.
I thought I was having contractions but they weren't strong so I wasn't really sure. During my whole stay I had been sucking down so much water trying to stay healthy and replenish the amniotic fluid. So I continued with my water, turned on my left side and grabbing the side of the bed. I began to pray as hard as I ever did. Begging that if these were contractions, please make them stop. I will do anything, anything just don't take Evelie from me too. I fell asleep begging, they must have not been contractions or fake ones or something because they stopped and I fell asleep. I had woke up a little while later to use the restroom and I was bleeding heavily, then I called the nurse and before she reached my room the contractions started and they were painful and fast. I looked at my husband through my tears and said "I'm scared, I'm scared and I can't do this again. I can't say good bye. This isn't happening" His face was white, he was crying and couldn't speak. We knew what this meant. Bleeding and contractions meant I'd be getting my cerclage removed and they would move my down to Labor and Delivery. The resident came in and checked me, my cerclage was still in there holding up but my length had gone from long to 1cm. Thats the length of the cervix not the dilation. So the cerclage hadn't ripped through my cervix yet. Leaving it in would and I was ready to still leave it in and hope the contractions would stop but they didn't and they kept getting closer.
We were moved to labor and delivery and through the most painful contractions I have ever felt (Emerson's contractions were tolerable and I needed no drugs during her birth or labor) they began to remove my stitch. That was so painful. A stitch that had been woven in and through my cervix was now getting removed without any pain medications. I grabbed the side of my bed and did everything I could to not scream out in agony. After they removed it I was still only 1 cm dilated (the same as I was at 14wks when the stitch was placed) but my length was shorter. The contractions stopped and we thought we'd be in the clear. The Dr. said I could still avoid labor since they stopped and baby could stay in. It all depended on what was happening and how my body would react. 10 mins later the contractions were back and painful as ever.
I knew I delivered Emerson naturally without pain meds and I was determined that if I had to have Evelie now, I was not having pain meds. I wanted to feel everything, every contraction all the pain. I didn't want to miss what this felt like. I was going to be as stubborn as possible because I wasn't ready to give up this fight. Labor was so painful and so difficult that hours later I was so exhausted and in so much pain that after asking me 5 times if I wanted an epidural, I gave in. I said yes. My body was tired, my mind had given up and I couldn't do it anymore. This labor was 10 times more painful than my labor with Emerson. With Emerson I hadn't made a peep through any of her contractions. Evelie's labor, I was making noises and trying to breathe through them. I couldn't do it. I grabbed my mother sobbing as loud as I ever have and crying out "I can't do this, I can't do this, I can't do this again" meaning I wasn't going to give birth to my baby girl and say good bye again. She held on to me and I sobbed so uncontrollably, I couldn't hold it back. I let it out. They came to do my epidural and I felt sick. They got it in but it didn't work so they had to take it out and re do it. The second try was making me sick some how. I felt like I was going to pass out and Derrick was scared because he said my face had turned to white and it looked as if I was passing out. I suddenly felt hot. She finally got the epidural in and I started to feel better but still feeling sick. It didn't work completely. My left side I could still feel contractions, I could feel the pain. It was not as terrible as it was before the epidural but I was so worn out mentally and physically I didn't want any pain at all. I wanted it to all go away.
This is where it gets graphic so I warn you now I'm not holding back any details so if you can't handle it please don't keep reading.
I knew from Emerson how small our Evelie would be. She was a week older than her sister but I didn't know how much growing would happen in a week. I kept passing clots and asking the nurse if that was the baby yet. With preemies this small you don't have to push much at all so I was scared she would come without the doctor in there. I could feel my body getting ready and we called for the Dr. and right as she walked in Evelie was born. The Dr. picked her up and said she was alive. She cleaned her up quickly and the nurse with Evelie in her hands asked if I wanted her on my chest, skin to skin. They unbuttoned my gown on the top and on my bare chest they laid the most beautiful little girl. She felt the warmth of my skin, she felt my heart beating. I felt her, I felt all 13 ounces of her on my chest. She moved as they covered us both with a blanket. Still skin to skin. They put a little hat on her from the warmer. I spent some time with her until they had to check me and I passed her to her daddy who was so patiently waiting to hold his little girl. I didn't want to take time from him at all. He was so involved and so bonded with Evelie long before she was born that she needed her time with him.
He held her repeating "I love you so much, you are so beautiful" He had to have said that over a million times. I don't remember hearing much else but love come from his mouth while holding her. Once they were done making sure I was ok they all left the room and allowed us alone time with her. We studied every inch of her. We didn't want to miss anything. She had my bottom lip, her daddy's nose and over bite and my long second toe. She had dark brown hair all over the top of her head. She must've gotten that from daddy because I was born with blonde hair. She was still moving and breathing while her daddy was holding her. During all of this a nurse quietly came in and snapped some photos of us. We were still studying everything about her that I hardly noticed she was in there.
And at some point the grandparents came in to see her. We spent time holding her and passing her around so everyone had time with her. I told her so many times how much I loved her. I kissed her head and cheeks probably a 1,000 times. The grandparents were in and out during this time. I really can't remember much about that because the shuffling of people was silently in the background as we were trying to soak in everything about Evelie. The resident would come check her heartbeat. The first time she came in about an hour or so after birth and she said it was still beating. She came back in a little later and took her over to the little infant warmer crib thing they have, she unwrapped her blanket a bit, and put the stethoscope on her chest. She wrapped her back up, and fixed the blanket. By the expression on her face I knew what was about to be said. 1 hr 56 mins later her tiny, fighting heart had stopped beating. Our sweet Evelie had left us. At some point I had asked my mom to get a nice new warm blanket out of the warmer and I re-wrapped her in a fresh warm one. I knew she couldn't feel it, but I felt like she needed a warm one. I was doing the motherly thing, making her as comfortable as possible. I then handed the old blanket to my mom to pack in our stuff. I wanted to make sure I kept the blanket she had been in the whole time. I needed that, that blanket was what the nurses had put over the 2 of us as she laid skin to skin on my chest. That blanket was the blanket she spent her entire life in. I kept it and when we got home it went in a ziploc bag to keep her scent on it.
We spent the entire night with her and I don't care how weird people think that is. When your days are numbered and you know once your discharged from the hospital that you are forced to say good bye you do whatever you can to spend all the time you can with your child. We kept her in the room through the night. Derrick crawled into my hospital bed holding our Evelie and we fell asleep on our backs holding her. We always imagined doing that during my pregnancy. We couldn't wait until our first night home to fall asleep as a family. We didn't get that, but we did what we could to try to get all the experiences in that we wanted to do with her in 24 hours. We continued to tell her how much we love her and how beautiful she was. That is all she heard her entire life was love until she passed away and we continued to tell her hoping somehow wherever she was she could still hear it.
The next morning we knew we'd be discharged. At some point I had to call the nurse and tell her to come take Evelie. One of the hardest things you have to do during a time like this. How could I call the nurse and tell her to take my baby from me. I wasn't ready but you're never ready for someone to come take your child away. We had the grandparents come back in and say their good byes. We kept telling ourselves this wasn't the last time, that once we got to the funeral home we could see her again. Had I not kept telling myself that, I would have never been able to call the nurse. We said our good byes alone together with our Evelie. Then with all the strength I could muster up, I had to reach down and press the red nurse button. She came in and knew what we had to do. We both kissed her again, and told her we loved her so much. I handed her to Derrick who kissed her again and said those same words again and he passed her to the nurse. I could tell he didn't want to do it and the nurse didn't want to take her from us. Even telling us she felt terrible for having to take her. I knew we couldn't keep her, it was time. She wrapped her blanket up and left our room. I got up to go to the waiting room and tell the grandparents she was gone. As I walked in they were crying, and the expressions on their faces told me they must have seen the nurse walk away with our Evelie in her arms. How do you watch the nurse take your baby and walk down the hall, knowing she isn't coming home with you. You are leaving the hospital going through labor just as everyone else does and when most are taking theirs home you are leaving yours there. To later be picked up by a funeral director just like your first daughter. These experiences are traumatic to say the least. The feelings and emotions going through you are something too hard to explain. Something parents should never have to feel. Its cruel, its cruel that we had to bury not one but 2 daughters. Our only children. I have never loved so much in such a short time. They both knew nothing but love their entire time on Earth.
I really can't tell you what it feels like, the only way to know is to experience it. Something I would never wish on my worst enemy. No parent should have to do this. No parent should have to put away the designs for the nursery for designs of a funeral service folder or for a gravestone. No parent should have to put away their dreams, their hope. their future and the future of their children. You don't forget and you don't want to forget. For the rest of our lives we will have constant reminders of what should have been. We deal with that with Emerson and now we deal with that for Evelie.
I will never forget my due dates, I will never forget their birthdays, their weight, their length, their smell, their movements after birth, their features, the ages they should be now. I will never forget a single thing. I know my Eme should be 4 years old, I know her due date was August 20th 2007 but her birthday was April 3rd 2007. I know my Evelie would still be in my belly not due until Jan 1st 2012. I know my cerclage was going to come out the Monday after Thanksgiving and I was going to be allowed to go into labor then at 35wks. I know that this Christmas was supposed to be Evelie's first and the best Christmas we'd ever have. Its not going to be, it can't be without my babies. I am a mother, but when I pass strangers in a grocery store they will never know of my girls. They will never know my face as a mother.
The world never met the most precious girls. They were going to be good. We promised we'd do our best to make them great little human beings. I was going to use cloth diapers, I was going to breastfeed, I was going to make our own baby food. We had everything planned out. And finally after 5 years of trying to bring home a healthy baby, we thought Evelie would fill our guest room (which was supposed to be her room) with toys and little tiny clothes. It wouldn't be just us in this house anymore, there was going to be noise in here, Evelie's cries, laughs, pitter patter across the floor and hearing her pitch her toys across the room. That will never happen. She will never make a sound at all and she never even stepped foot in our house. Our guest room is the way its been since we moved in and no sign of any children in here. There is grieving in so many different ways, we grieve her death, we grieve all the plans we had for the future, and we grieve the fact that we will most likely never have children again. That is taking away a lot of things from a couple all at once and its overwhelming to say the least. I don't have the right words to explain what its like to be in our shoes and I'm not sure I could explain it. Married 6 years, 5 1/2 of those spent trying to bring a baby home. Pregnant 6 times, gave birth twice and our house is empty and we just buried our girls together. Can you just imagine what that feels like?
Our Emerson was cremated and her ashes were in a tiny pink urn with praying hands on them. We decided not to cremate Evelie. Evelie was buried with Emerson's urn right next to her in the tiny casket on a beautiful white pillow. My girls are forever together<3 How their tiny, short lives have affected ours.
"There is no footprint too small that it cannot leave an imprint on this world"
