Some things I feel like I need to clear up

I feel like there are a few misunderstanding about my pregnancies that I'd like to clear up. 


I was healthy, I have a bad cervix, that is it. My weight was not normal but I was healthy. Blood pressure etc was completely normal. 

My children were extremely healthy. NOTHING and I mean absolutely nothing, was wrong with them. They came early due to my cervix not being strong enough to stay closed because of the normal weight of the baby and the water. If my cervix was normal, my children would be here. That should be obvious since they both held on at such a young age. Being able to live an hour and Evelie being able to continue to live without any water for 14 days and make it through the birth and live almost 2 hours after birth. They were strong babies!

They were not miscarriages. I gave birth just like any full term mother does. I had labor, I felt pain just like any mother and they were born just like any other baby. I do know what it feels like to have a natural birth. My experience was just the same, except too soon and they didn't live.

I don't want people to think that if the next pregnancy is full term it's because I'm now "healthy" Health has nothing to do with your cervical function. For whatever reason I was born with a bad cervix. You can damage your cervix but that isn't the case with me. I didn't have any procedures done to it in the past to cause the weakness. I simply was born with it. Again, there was nothing wrong with my kids, their heartbeats were strong and they were strong. 

There, I've said what I needed to say. If there are any questions, I will be happy to answer them.

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.”

     I'm nervous for my future. Nervous of so many things. The thought of taking the next step in my future has me scared and tears well up when I think about it. If I don't do this, we have no chance of children. The last time I felt this much fear was when they were wheeling me to the OR for my transvaginal cerclage. I felt my heart in my throat and the only thing that kept me on that table was knowing I was doing all I could for that baby who was peacefully growing in my tummy. You don't know fear until your water breaks at 20 weeks and your child is hanging on for her life with no water. Knowing that at any minute her heart could stop or you could go into labor and her life would end. Knowing that her life will end even though she's so healthy, but your body can't do what it's meant to do. That is fear. Not so intense as it once was because there isn't a child inside me. But because I fear the unknown and fear that it will happen again. I fear surgery, anesthesia and c-sections. I grieve my children, I grieve the natural birth I always wanted and I grieve the life that was supposed to be.

Fear is powerful. I find it stopping me in my tracks daily. But the need to have a "normal" life, the need to give my husband the chance to father children is so great that I'm putting myself through a surgery that I'm so extremely scared to do. The only thing letting me move forward and not scaring me out of this, is knowing many women who have their dreams after this terrible life we've all been given. I can't think of  a life without children and my husband often tells me he can't live without being a parent. What a terrible feeling, knowing you are responsible for not only your pain but for your husband's pain. So many emotions right now. So much stuff coming up in the next few months. It's overwhelming and I cry daily from the amount of stress and grief. It's a difficult thing to try this all over again. I'm not sure I'm ready for it but I'm not getting younger and this is the only chance I have left. 

Someday I hope to tell our children how much we love them and all that we had to go through to get them. I wish every day of my life that I knew what it was like to get pregnant and have no worries and know that at the end of 9 months a baby would come home. I would never wish this condition on my worst enemy. I have never struggled so hard for anything in my life. I dream of the simple life we had before this. I wonder what our problems and struggles in our life would be if we never had to bury our children. Life would be simple and easy. The worst thing would be getting up early and I laugh at that. Really, how easy life would be if it weren't this way. What would we really get upset over? We will never know that because we carry the death of our daughters with us until we die. Nothing will ever fix that, we will never forget them and life will never be the same.

“There’s no secret to balance. You just have to feel the waves”

   There will always be waves of grief. There has been for 5 years, now there is 2 reasons for the waves. Feels like it's all the time. I get a couple "good" days and then the waves. I can feel them coming, but you really can't do anything to stop them. No matter our plans for the future, these waves will be there and it's my little moment where I miss my daughters so much, and its that moment where it creeps into my heart. I do great at keeping it out for a long time, because it's really too much to handle. I saw a little girl wearing a onesie that I registered for. Evelie should be wearing that. She should be here.

It's watching a young dad with a baby the age of Evelie, pushing the shopping cart talking to her. That should be my husband. It isn't and never was. He never got that. I'm angry he hasn't. I'm angry that people don't think he hurts. They talk to him when they don't want to tell my announcements. As if he doesn't feel this pain. He was very involved, never missed an appointment of mine, never missed anything. Once he could feel Evelie move, his hand was constantly on my belly.

Today is a wave, a big one. One I don't want to allow in, it hurts too much. What I would give to hold them one more time. What I really want is to keep them, to have them here and watch them grow. I know that wish will never come true. I've wished it everyday for the last 5 years. Here we are dreading Evelie's first birthday. This last year has been hell, and it wasn't supposed to be. It was supposed to be the best year of our lives. Again. I still can't believe we are doing this again. A double headstone of our only children. Something is extremely wrong with that. I'm angry. I watch people disappear. When I play the happy, positive card they are everywhere but when you put something out there that isn't positive, that's real it's like they hide. They don't know what to say or do. They run and I'm not sure why.

Today's just a bad day. I have a long list of things to check off before we can start towards our goal. It won't fix our past and I hate that we have this past. I'm just trying to find us both happiness. Something to live for again, something to smile about.

“You can cut all the flowers but you cannot keep Spring from coming.”

   I don't write much anymore. Sometimes I have lots of stuff to say but no ambition to sit and get it out. Sometimes it's the writing it out that hurts so I just don't do it. We're getting closer to what would have been Evelie's 1st birthday. I don't really think about it much. I don't want to. Had one decision been made, she would be here and I hold a painful grudge against my perinatologists for that. Something I have to learn how to cope with for the rest of my life. 

   However, today I feel strong. I am filled with ridiculous amounts of hope. Of hope for a happy future. Although it will always be lined with pain. I am trying my hardest to handle things the way I would, if I got to watch my daughters grow up. Handle things the way I would want them to watch me do. I am in control of my life and no matter how much I feel like people rub things in my face or no matter how painful life is, I will make my life the way I want it. It will not end here.

   I am so grateful for my husband. He has given me my hope back, the little glimmer of happiness. It's like I see a twinkle at the end of this extremely long tunnel. The pain we have endured is excruciating and even with days passing, the pain won't stop. It just gets manageable. We have an extremely intimate relationship. Going through what we have has put us on a level of closeness that I never imagined possible. I wouldn't want that with anyone else.

   I am excited (to say the least) of what the future holds for us. We have been busy with things, goals that we need to hit. I'm glad for the things we've been doing. They keep me busy and get us one step closer to our happiness.   We've made a very important step, one of many. The next 6 months, I'm hoping they pass quickly. I'm ready to get back to living. Get back to happiness and begin a new chapter. I have met with people, talked with one over the phone. One that has made a huge impact on my life. I owe him for giving my husband and I hope. Something that sounds so tiny, just hope, has a very large impact on your soul when you feel like your life is pure crap. I don't know how I could ever thank him. I know I'm being vague, and I apologize for that. I just don't wish to share everything because of negative comments. We don't need them and I won't live that way. We know what our future holds, we've educated ourselves and sadly lots of people just don't understand. That's ok, I don't need them too, I don't need anything from anyone. I have my husband and I've spent many hours of research, phone calls etc. I am very aware of what is going on. 

I remember a statement my father said to me. He said "You have always gone out and got what you wanted. You wanted to move out, you did. You wanted to get married, you put it all together and did. Anything you've ever wanted you've worked at and accomplished. You are independent." I never thought of myself like that. But I'm trying to live up to that. I have a goal in my sight, and I will get it.

 My biggest accomplishment isn't far from my grasp. I have studied and educated myself hours on end and was complimented by an extremely intelligent individual who told me "I've never met a patient so educated about these topics" It's my life. I do not go into something without trying to learn everything I possibly can about it. I do not live with a condition that I know nothing about. I live with a condition that I know lots about. I am my own advocate. I never stop trying to learn. Today I am filled with a tiny bit of happiness and a gigantic amount of hope. And the best thing about it, my husband feels the same way. We are in this together. I am excited for our future. I am about to put my mind, body and soul through hell. Especially my body. Nothing physical will ever hurt as much as watching your husband hold your children as they take their last breath and gasp for air that can't fill their lungs. Nothing physical could ever inflict the pain that those images inflict on my heart and soul. I can do this. I will do this. This is nothing compared to what we've been through. And at the end of the day, I will know this is worth it. Today I feel strong, empowered and not a single person can take that from me. My children have changed me and although the way it happened isn't at all what I wished for, I live for them. They have made me a better person. Our experience has taught me to love deeper and when you feel happy, you feel it on a completely new level. When I feel an emotion, I feel it so much deeper than I did before my kids. My eyes have been opened. This quote is the easiest way to explain it "He who has felt the deepest grief is best able to experience supreme happiness" Now obviously I am not happy that what happened, happened. However, I know I feel in a way that some won't ever feel.

"We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot."  Eleanor Roosevelt.

I'm going to do something I thought I never could. It won't fix the pain from the past but I will go forward with that pain. I will carry it with me every day of my life. I will learn to love a deeper love and be thankful for things others take for granted. I will soak in each moment and learn to love life again.

“to love life, to love it even
when you have no stomach for it
and everything you've held dear
crumbles like burnt paper in your hands,
your throat filled with the silt of it.
When grief sits with you, its tropical heat
thickening the air, heavy as water
more fit for gills than lungs;
when grief weights you like your own flesh
only more of it, an obesity of grief,
you think, How can a body withstand this?
Then you hold life like a face
between your palms, a plain face,
no charming smile, no violet eyes,
and you say, yes, I will take you
I will love you, again.”
― Ellen Bass

One of my blessings

I may have lots of pain from the loss of my children but I can still see the wonderful things in my life. My husband.

I am amazed by him every day. I want to tell your about the most recent situation. We take lots of walks together. It gives us time to talk and our best, deepest discussions happen during our walks. I don't know what made me think of it but I started talking about something that has been on my mind lately. I told him what I've learned about leaving your infant son whole. Not circumcising your son when he's born. Now normally he would argue that with me. Tell me how we should do it because that's just what you do. Or be upset that I'm bringing up future children. He did neither.

I told him the many reasons I am against it. Had I not been educated and cared enough to research it, I would have never known. I was surprised that when I brought it up, he was so open minded. He just started asking questions and wanting to know all I've learned. At the end of the conversation he agreed, if we ever have a son he will not be circumcised. He will come home whole, completely how he should be.

I am happy with the new things I'm doing in my life, my healthy lifestyle, trying to do all natural and now learning why to leave your son's whole.

I am very happy to have a husband so open minded, so willing to learn and take in all the facts before making a decision. 

I am one lucky girl. Things may not be perfect but I am beyond lucky to share this life with someone who sticks by my side through thick and thin. I love him more than he could know.

Some things I've been dealing with

   I just read a blog post from baby center that was all about miscarriage and how you can't compare it to the loss of a baby. While I do not agree with the things she has said. I will tell you my feelings on this subject. But please know, they are MY feelings. The feelings that have come from my experiences. I ask that you do not take this the wrong way. I'm afraid some might.  

I've had my losses compared to many things. A big one is someone's divorce. Burying my children is nothing like a divorce. I don't know how you could possibly put those two in the same category. My mind is blown each time this one person compares her divorce to me burying my kids. It's insulting to me.

I've also had my daughter's deaths compared to miscarriages. I understand the pain of an early miscarriage, I've been there 4 times. However, I will tell you that giving birth to my girls, watching them breathe and then watching them pass is no where close to my early miscarriages. I am in no way lessening the pain of an early miscarriage. I grieved those babies but having an early miscarriage isn't close at all (for me). My early miscarriages were painful, I carry emotional scares from a couple of them. Had I never had my girls, my miscarriages would be the worst pain I've ever felt. But after having them, their loss is the worst I have ever felt. I'm not saying my miscarriages didn't hurt. They were painful. I cried, I grieved for what was supposed to be. I remember due dates, one even sharing the same as Evelie, a year exactly to the date. Jan 1st 2011 and Evelie was Jan 1st 2012.

I remember in one of my miscarriages knowing from my numbers not doubling that this baby wasn't going to make it. I found that out at 4 weeks, I then had to walk around for another 7 weeks to wait to naturally miscarry that baby. Never knowing at what point they stopped developing. I was 11 weeks pregnant. I would slowly start to bleed, then in the middle of the night one day,I began contractions. That was a traumatic thing for my husband and I. I had to wake him up and he rubbed my lower back while all our hopes and dreams and our tiny baby would leave this world. It had taken us a long time to get pregnant with the first baby after Emerson, it also took us a long time to get pregnant with each pregnancy between the girls. Only to have all of our hope and dreams shattered. I know the pain of infertility, miscarriage and infant loss.

I am in NO WAY saying that early miscarriages are not painful, or not worth grieving. They are! I've been through 4, and they are extremely painful, emotionally and physically. In my experience the pain of my girls are worse to me. That is my experience. I had 2 of the most traumatically terrifying births. My second one being traumatic on a different level. So bad that I can't even repeat or share with you the graphic things that we had to go through. Both experiences are painful, for me the births of my daughters are so much harder for me to handle. Had I never got pregnant with them, my miscarriages would be the worst pain in the world. The article I read was basically saying how they shouldn't be grieved because they were not babies, they were ideas. I do NOT agree with that comment at all. All of my losses were babies, all of them with hopes and dreams and dates for us to remember. All of them, we dreamed about, what they would look like, boy or girl etc. They were all painful, but to me and my experiences they were painful and traumatic on different levels. The birth of my daughters, do not compare to my miscarriages and the birth of my girls is not comparable to someone's divorce.

I had to bury my children, had to buy a headstone, had to watch them die. A divorce is splitting from a person, not burying them, seeing them breathe and seeing them die. 

I have a world of pain. It is mine and I have to carry it. My miscarriages were extremely painful and there just isn't words for the loss of my girls. I do think everyone has the right to grieve, for as long as they need to, however they need to and for whatever they need to. Also in a way, anyone's loss can't be compared to anyone else's either. Each of us have a different story, each with different pain. My pain is the worse I've ever felt. Someone else's is the worst they've been through. Each pain is different. I still, however, think you can't compare a divorce to the death of someone. A breakup is nothing like a death. I know this is probably so contradictory, but it isn't black and white.

I'm also dealing with people throwing religious stuff out of their mouth that is just not comforting to me. So many hurtful comments. How this is God's plan, everything happens for a reason etc. Lately, I have lost my fuse with this. I got into an argument with a women at work who thought she knew why this happened to me. Normally, I would have just sat there and listened to her and never said a word. I've even done that with her before. However, I'm so done with taking it. I feel like I've been through enough and I don't have to keep my mouth shut. If they get to say something to me about my loss, I will say how their comment makes me feel. She also believes that if I get healthy, my next pregnancy will make it. Let me tell you something, my problem is not curable. I am not unhealthy. I may not be skinny (which to her means healthy) but I never had any other problems. I have one, one weak cervix that is the cause for the loss of my daughters. I take the best care of myself during pregnancy. Me, getting very healthy right now, will not allow the next child to live. My "health" has nothing to do with my cervix. My cervix would be weak whether I weigh 500 lbs or whether I'm 95 lbs. I was born with that. Taking chemicals out of my beauty products, removing cleaners from my home (which are things I've recently done that lead her to believe I'm now getting healthy)  will not save the next child. Moving on to another surgery will most likely get a baby here, full term. 

My children also were not unhealthy. They were very healthy, both being told they were fighters and very strong. Evelie lived over a week with NO water. Kicking the whole time and she would have kept going, had my body not gone into labor. Their heartbeats continued after being born. I am amazed by them. So early, yet their hearts kept beating, when they weren't even expected to make it through the birth alive. Both of my girls did, both were breathing after birth.  Me, getting healthy has no effect on that, I was healthy, they were healthy. I have a weak cervix that is only fixable by surgery, the surgery I had was not good enough for me or my cervix. We would have never known that ahead of time. There is no way to know without trying. My heart is shattered knowing that I had to go through this to find out that a different surgery would work better than what I had. I should have skipped this one and went to the next type of surgery, but that isn't a choice I had. I had to do it this way, like many other women with my same problem. 

 I spoke with a Dr. in Chicago that said because we did everything under the sun to prevent losing Evelie, that I am the 20% the a regular cerclage doesn't work for. A tougher, permanent cerclage is the answer for me. This type of cerclage has a 95%  success rate compared to 80 % of the cerclage I had. If I could have skipped to the permanent cerclage, you bet your ass I would have. My daughter's life was more important than gambling it on an 80% chance. That number is not high enough for me. I still remember sitting in the doctors office early on in Evelie's pregnancy, being told they didn't even think I needed a cerclage. I fought for one, said there was no way I was going to go into another pregnancy without doing everything I could possibly do, to prevent what happened to Emerson. 

I wasn't stupid. I knew. And I was right, this is the only time I wish I wasn't right. I wish they were, that I didn't even need the cerclage. That is why I couldn't skip to the permanent one, because they didn't even think I needed the one I had in the first place. Only to be proven wrong when they did the surgery in the OR and saw that I was already 1cm dilated at 14 weeks pregnant. They needed that to tell them, that I was right all along. I live with the guilt and pain that I had to lose another daughter to find out that something else would work better. Her life should not be gambled like that. I also think all pregnant women should have their cervix checked via transvaginal ultrasound so that incompetent cervix can be caught before a life is lost. You should never have to lose a child to find out that you have a problem. It takes seconds to check with an ultrasound. Seconds that could possibly save a child's life. My goal, when I'm strong enough to do it. Is to somehow get it, so that every pregnant women has her cervix checked via ultrasound so that a weak cervix is caught early and before a child's life is lost.

I have a lot going on lately, a lot to move through. I am in the middle of getting a wonderful health insurance that covers counseling. I am well aware that this time around, I need it. Do I want it, no not really because I don't understand how an outsider that probably has never lost a child, is going to tell me how to grieve or how to handle this. I do know that I most likely have ptsd and that needs to be handled. I do not want meds and will fight that, but I believe my mind needs help. I went through very traumatic stuff and even more traumatic with my second daughter. I am not going to act like I wasn't effected by this, not going to act like everything is rainbows and butterflies. It isn't. I don't think anyone would expect it to be. I do know that somehow my mind is trying to protect me, and I'm not allowing myself to really feel like this has happened. I'm somehow on the outside looking in and not truly feeling and dealing with what has happened. Haven't allowed myself to believe that this is the life I have. 

Again, I want to clarify what I said earlier in this post. Miscarriages are painful, they are a loss of a baby. You should be allowed to grieve and it is something I wish no one had to go through. My personal experience is just that, mine. My miscarriages hurt, the death of my children hurt me worse. That is my pain, not comparable to anyone else. Do not let anyone tell you that an early miscarriage isn't anything. I had my hopes and dreams shattered many times over. I can't believe people in the world tell people to get over miscarriages. I hope that I didn't offend anyone with that. I hope everyone understands what I'm trying to say. 

I hate April Fool's day

I seriously hate all the stupid fake pregnancy announcements today. When its people close to us it makes me feel as if they don't take our situation seriously. Like they think its silly that our world is crushed. And announcing a pregnancy wouldn't hurt us. Really? we've been through 6 years of complete hell. Not a single person knows what it feels like and what has gone on behind closed doors and our doctor appointments. No one knows what it feels like to know your pregnancy isn't going to make it but you have to walk around another 8 weeks carrying a baby, waiting for the moment you will miscarry. They told us in 2 of our pregnancies that our numbers didn't double, meaning it wouldn't make it and we just waited for the day the miscarriage would start. I had to walk around twice knowing that the baby inside me would eventually stop growing and the miscarriage would begin. But watching a million people announce their fake pregnancies while they think its so hilarious, breaks my heart and many others too.  I guess I expect it from some, but not those close to us. I'm hurt. We buried 2 children, lost 6 pregnancies and yet those around us find this subject funny. Wow. How many people are out there trying to have a baby and you have no idea of their struggle. You just ruined their day. I hope you're happy will your silly, most unoriginal april fool's joke.