168 days left

               Ask anyone that knows me and they'll tell you I'm a very emotional person. I've been that way for as long as I can remember. Ask my 1st grade teacher and she'll tell you the same ;) I think its important to stop all the running around and the normal rush of the day to take a second and make someone feel special, make someone's day a bit happier. It doesn't take much to smile at a stranger, hell it doesn't take much to smile at anyone at all. Anyways I'm not sure what my point is today. I'm just happy. I love people. I'm in such a wonderful point in my life. Obviously this baby has a ton to do with it but during this pregnancy my eyes have been opened to how much love is in this world. I've been on bedrest for 12 days now and I've experienced so much love in that short time. I'm just humbled. The presents, people making me food, the phone calls, messages and texts asking how I'm doing today, and the visitors. I have never felt so loved in my life. I can't thank you guys enough. Its hard to explain how much this means to me. After all our losses to have so many cheerleaders that never gave up on us means so much.

             I cry just about every day, but only from happiness. Its like my heart just busts because it can't hold the amount of love I feel.  I can only hope I make people feel the same way. If everyone in the world treated everyone the way my lovely friends treat me, the world would be such a wonderful place. I hope to raise my child with the same love and hope they treat people with as much love and respect as I've felt in my life.

           Things haven't always been great in my life, nobody's life is perfect but right now at this very moment I couldn't ask for more. I have a loving husband who is doing everything possible to allow me to just lay here and relax. I have a healthy baby growing inside me that I pray we get to full term. And I'm surrounded by the most loving and caring people anyone could ask for. Life is good♥   

                            The greatest treasures are those invisible to the eye but felt by the heart

July 8th

       Nothing special today, just completely bored out of my mind. I thought I'd be pretty excited to be home and not at work. Now, don't take my complaining wrong and think I'm not doing or don't want to do everything I possibly can for this baby-that would be a silly assumption. Anyone who knows me, knows I will fight for this baby. Just saying being at home on rest is not nearly as fun as everyone thinks :) especially when I don't have a single person to talk to. Except my dogs, and well... they don't really care to hear me all day they'd rather sleep.

    My mother in law visited me yesterday and bought me some cute maternity clothes. A really nice sundress and a pair of black pants, since today I had to do the rubber band thru the button hole trick on my current pair of jeans. I'm now down to one pair of jeans and dresses because I don't have any clothes. I guess it doesn't matter as the only public I will see will be the Dr.  

    I count down the hours until Derrick gets home or get excited when I get a phone call just so I can hear another human voice. I just started this and I only have hmmm 177 days to go. That would get me to full term, I really just need to get to Oct 23rd to be able to relax. Cerclage will come out Nov 27th. and if baby comes they will allow it. My pregnancy seemed to just fly by then the surgery has somewhat slowed it all down. It doesn't seem to move as fast as it was. First cervical length check is the 19th and I will be a ball of nerves that day. I need good news, no change in the cervix. I think I might puke before that appt.

    Well since I don't do much during the day, I don't have much to write about :) So maybe I'll take a nap to waste some time and let the baby rest♥

Cerclage Surgery July 5th

           Well the day started out with me being a ball of nerves. I have never ever in my life had any surgery, and had no clue what to expect. Long story short the actual spinal was nothing to be scared of. I had a wonderful anesthesiologist, she got the stuff in right away and explained everything she was going to do. I immediately felt my legs getting warm and then lost feeling in them. Such a weird experience. I could feel them touching my legs as they put them in stirrups, they felt like they were a 1,000 lbs. I couldn't help them put them in because I couldn't control anything. They put the sheet over my head so I couldn't look down and Lord knows I wouldn't look anyways. I could feel the doctor touching my legs and in that area but never felt any pain at all. 

   The actual surgery wasn't very long at all. Spectrum has this really cool thing where they have a monitor in the waiting room that assigns me a number and Derrick could see the progress of my surgery. Not really watch the surgery but it would tell them if I was in the OR, then when the Dr. started the surgery, then when I was moved to recovery. He knew every step as they were doing it. Well she finished up the surgery and comes the scary part. She came to my side of the sheet and said I made a good choice asking for the surgery. Apparently at just 14 weeks I was already dilated to 1 cm. I don't know what that means for our chances of bringing this baby home and she couldn't really answer anything but kept saying it was good I was there today and this was being done. It showed her that in fact I do have a weak incompetent cervix and not pre term labor problems. I just wanted someone to tell me this baby will be ok. She said it was good because my cervix was long and thick and no funneling. She was able to get the stitch up really  nice and high. There is positives to this but I always focus on the scary negative stuff.  

  

  I am just happy that the day I was at the high risk Dr. and he asked "at the end of the day if something happened would you feel you did all you could" I will never forget my answer to him. That was when I replied " I will never feel like I did all I could unless I get the cerclage." Those words will forever be in my head. I asked and elected this for myself and I could have never been more right. I NEEDED THIS! I did exactly what I was supposed to do. I am determined to protect my baby, just as I was with Emerson. I never ever in my life thought pregnancy would be so difficult. I am envious of all those that get normal easy pregnancies. I have no idea what that feels like. I worry everyday that this will be the last day I will be pregnant and that this baby won't come home. From all my losses my brain is just trained that way. The surgery scared me and now I'm worried again. We are not guaranteed anything ever! 

I am in the best spot I could be in, I was in the OR exactly when I needed to be. I am proud of myself for making the choice I did when the high risk Dr. just wanted to watch me without a cerclage. My heart sinks when I think of what would happen had I did that. It would have been too late, it could've meant I would've lost this one too. Instead I made them do it, made them stitch me and I needed it. I needed this and I did this for myself, I made this choice and I have a better chance for my baby. It is so true when people tell you that you have to be your own advocate. 

The nurse taking care of me just happened to transfer to that floor from neonatal so she was answering all questions for me with the knowledge I needed. That happened for a reason I think. For her to be in my room on that day just transferred, was a blessing. I am thankful she was there to tell me that 1cm was like nothing and now with the stitch in, its not there.  That I did exactly what I should have. That hospital was amazing. 

The spinal took forever to wear off. I could feel my right leg but my left was paralyzed forever. Then I could feel both legs but not my butt so I couldn't pee and you have to pee before they will release you. I believe I was there until 7pm. So 10am to 7pm total with just a 1hr surgery. 

I have a regular ob appt. tomorrow and you bet your ass I have an entire page full of questions for her and no other doctor will sit there like her and answer each one before I leave her room.

Right now I'm off of work for a week and I'm glad I did that because I would be a wreck if I didn't. Obviously (and don't read any further if you don't want to know what they did....warned you!) They weaved a stitch in and out of my cervix and then like purse strings pulled them together like a drawstring to close my cervix. So I of course have bleeding and its scary even though they tell you it will happen. Your cervix now has to heal and no way could I do that being at work. I'm at home with tylenol for pain and some pills to relax my uterus to make sure contractions don't start from the irritation we just caused on my cervix. I sleep as much as possible just so I don't have to deal with anything. I just want to sleep through the whole thing. I just want to wake up and its all healed and everything is fine. It would be amazing if I could wake up 5 months from now and have a healthy baby.

So that was our experience. Scary to say the least but the actual surgery was easy. I had a lovely staff that laughed at all my jokes ;) it was the only way I could get through the nerves. My spinal lady liked my back tattoo and asked if it hurt she said she was too chicken to get one, I laughed and asked her if she ever had a spinal. She laughed pretty hard at that. Of course she's never had a spinal. I told her she could do it, it didn't hurt much at all. The nurse that helped me lean over for the spinal was amazing. She rubbed my hands keeping me distracted and told me I could squeeze hers if I had too. She talked to me about anything she could think of just to keep my mind off of what was happening. She was really sweet and I am so thankful she was attending in my surgery. The staff there is like no other I have ever had dealt with before. From the information desk lady that walked us right where we needed to be, the receptionist, all my nurses, the lady that did my IV, all the people in the OR and the anesthesiologist. I have never met such wonderful people. I am so thankful for them. By far the best hospital ever. I owe them so much.

So to answer the big question we always get-what gender are we hoping for? That question is so silly now, after all we've been through we just want whatever it is to be here safe, as close to full term as possible and healthy. I never in a million years thought such an easy task would be so difficult for us. As much as I try to explain what we go through, its hard to know unless you've lived it. If this baby comes home it will be the biggest miracle ever performed and I helped it by listening to my body and knowing I had to do the cerclage when the Dr. didn't really want to do it. I refuse to go through what I did with Emerson. I could never look at my child again and watch them take their last breath....never again. I will do all in my power to get this baby here. I can't think of the things other pregnant people get to. I can't plan anything ahead. I can't shop for clothes, no painting the nursery yet. I'd love to but I don't feel safe yet. All is done that needs to be, we did all we could do. We just wait now. Once I hit a certain wk I will be able to do the normal things. I will get to pick out clothes, register for showers, and paint the nursery. I can only imagine that point and the excitement and happiness I will feel. But for now the words from the Dr. that delivered Emerson "one day at a time" and if I need to "one hour at a time" and that is how we will get through this.

I will update again tomorrow after our Dr. appt with my regular ob. Hopefully she will have some more answers and some positive things.

I don't mean for this to sound so down. I just didn't expect to be 1cm already, at 14 wks its somewhat unheard of. So in my mind I get scared, that is just how I am-after all we've been through my mind is trained that way. But we are in the best spot, I made a smart choice and the timing couldn't have been better. We did all we could do.

I want to thank everyone for all the calls, texts, facebook messages and offering to help. I am humbled and my heart is so full of love. The amount of support we receive is amazing. i can't believe how many people are behind us waiting for this baby to make it here. I was told by a friend this baby needed a rockstar name as it will enter the world like a celebrity. What a wonderful thing to hear as a mother, that your child is loved so much and so many people are waiting for them to arrive. I love you all so much and we couldn't make it through this without you. My words just don't seem like enough to tell you all what it means to us. This has truly been one of the hardest things we have ever had to deal with. Thank you for everything

So now this emotional momma, who now seems to cry at everything needs to go lay down. Write a note to this little one in my journal and probably listen to the heartbeat which is music to my ears. ♥

A moment to myself

    I have a lot of time when I'm by myself. Sometimes this is a good thing, I get time to just let my thoughts flow. I have always been a very emotional person. When I do something I put every possible emotion into it and I immerse myself in whatever it is I'm doing. I love to love, I love to care about things and people. I'm at a very wonderful spot in my life at the moment.   
     It has taken us so many years to get here, many losses (this pregnancy is our 6th pregnancy) and I'm just beyond happy right now. I have so much love for this little one. 5 years worth of love just sitting in my heart waiting for a little one to come along and with each loss that love grows even more because I know what a miracle this little one is. I catch myself crying every once in a while. I can not put into words exactly what this feels like, to wait so long that you've gotten to a point that you never think it will happen. Then by surprise you are given this chance to finally have the dream you have wished for, that you have waited for.
        I'm happy, I'm happy, I'm happy! I can't let it out enough. This is really happening. Our guest room will finally be a nursery, we will finally have toys scattered everywhere and I can't be happier to have my life change so drastically. I am so ready to give everything to this little one. I get to stop doing things for me and start doing them for someone else. No one has any idea how happy that makes me :) 

We had an ultrasound yesterday. Baby is doing great! Every single time she does an ultrasound I find my eyes searching for that heartbeat, and a rush just comes over me every single time its there. This pregnancy is flying by so fast. Before we know it baby will be here. I couldn't be more excited! Ok so there wasn't much of an update. I just had time to myself tonight with nothing else to do. I've spent hours searching for baby clothes but without a gender I don't want to purchase anything yet. I've searched nursery ideas and picked out cloth diapers but still not purchasing anything until gender is known.
I'm just happy and feel so full of love right now :) I see regular ob in 2 wks and high risk on the 30th then surgery the 5th. Updates to come from those visits

The sun shines through

       I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. All excitement is still always guarded just because we have to tackle the normal things that could go wrong with anyone's pregnancy, on top of our own problems to bring this baby here.  
        There are little days that poke through that I allow myself all the unguarded excitement in the world. I think I deserve a little every once in a while. The last couple days have been just that. 
               I have a lot of people to thank for allowing me to feel this way too. Co workers (who are some of my closest friends) taking bets on when baby will arrive and if baby is a boy or girl and even how much they will weigh. That if baby is a girl, her boyfriend is already picked out :) The talk of baby names and allowing myself to think of a future with a baby. Something I do not allow myself, I guess as a way to protect myself. No matter how much I try to guard my heart there is no way I can. I love this baby and I have from the very beginning of seeing that positive test. 
              This baby was a surprise, something as an infertile woman I never thought I'd get to say. Something I thought we'd never have. I can't tell you the feeling I had when I thought the test was going to be negative for the 5 millionth time. At this point I wasn't tracking anything and was loving life so much I was ok with a negative (well not ok but expected it by then) You can imagine how fast I jumped when the brightest line showed up. I was so busy enjoying life I didn't even know I was late yet. Something I'm happy I got to experience since the last 4 years have been pretty rough. I was so tired of tracking things, so tired of waking up at the same time every morning to take my temp to see if I was ovulating. We had come to a point in our life where we decided before it was too late for us, we'd better start learning how to live a life without a baby. We weren't getting younger and didn't want to miss out on our lives being too busy trying for something that might never happen.  I think I might have already been pregnant at the time just didn't know it. I know I will never take anything for granted. I see things so differently and I have since Emerson was born. 


I love watching birds and squirrels in my front yard, I love sitting outside in the rain and smelling the air during a storm. I have realized how special and grateful I am to be alive. The death of our daughter has taught me that no life is guaranteed, we can go at any time. I try to enjoy everything I possibly can because someday I will be gone. I apply the same to this baby. As much as I try to guard myself I can't really. I laugh at each weird craving, I enjoy dreaming of a future with a baby, thinking of turning our guest room into a nursery. Filling our house with toys and trips to grandma and grandpa's. This is something I never thought I'd get to do. 
      Something that we often take for granted just thinking you get married, you have babies because that is just what you do. I can tell you this journey has made us appreciate every  thing and I can't wait to look at my baby and appreciate every tiny thing about them. I want to spend my first moments looking over them soaking up every inch of them. From the top of their head to the very tip of their toes. I have waited 5 years for this, 5 very long painful years. I get emotional just thinking about it. I can't wait for that first cry, such music to my ears. I can't wait to get to take this one home. The first walk through the door to experience everything we never got to do with Emerson. I can't wait to finally give everything I have to someone else, to give my life to take care of someone else. I have no words to express the excitement I have. There will always be a little underlining of guarding my heart because after so many losses you can't help it but I need to let this excitement out because at this moment in time, I have a baby in there growing healthy and I'm allowed this happiness. I have no control over what happens but I've waited for so long to see a bit of sun shine through the clouds we've had for so long.   I love you baby with all that I have and I promise I will do all I can to protect you. You will grow up always knowing how much you were wanted, how hard we tried to get you here and just how loved you are by us and by everyone that has touched our lives. You are a miracle, someone a lot of people have wished and prayed for. You are one important person♥

First High Risk appt.

I'm going to try to make this as short and simple as possible. We got our ultrasound first thing which was pretty awesome because my parents got to witness it. I think they were pretty excited. She found the heartbeat and let us listen to it for a min. Then after about an hour ultrasound we had the actual appt. with the doctor.

Short and simple-he believes I have a pre term labor problem not an incompetent cervix but because the risk of doing the cerclage is little that if I wanted it and would feel more at ease to have it knowing that I've done all I can he will do it. So I'm set for surgery July 5th. They will stitch my cervix shut like a drawstring purse. I will then only be allowed to work a sit down job and they will remove it at 37wks (although muskegon doc said she'll remove it at 35 wks.) I will have to have a spinal to have the cerclage put it. I'm worried because I've never had any surgery ever. Baby looks wonderful and is measuring a week ahead but they will go by the original due date for now. It was a good appt over all and I'm glad that they don't think I have a problem with my cervix because all signs pointed to pre term labor problems which I will receive a p17 shot that will keep contractions from starting. I think that is about as simple as I can get :) I'm very open to answering any questions anyone has

Nervous

             Tomorrow we have our first appt. with the high risk doctor. We'll talk about what we are going to do to get this baby here. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared as hell. I'm worried we'll lose another one. This is something I can't go through twice. I can't watch another of my babies take their last breath in my arms. We have had so much loss when it comes to pregnancies. For us being pregnant NEVER guarantees that a baby will come home. If that was the case we'd have lots of children by  now.
              We will be discussing if I have to have a cerclage or not. To explain that simply they would stitch my cervix shut in hopes to keep it from dilating and hopefully keep baby in there full term. I'll be put on p17 shots which are a progesterone shot to keep labor from starting. I'm not sure when those start (I think 16wks thru 24wks?) I'll be put on antibiotics to ward off any infections that could put me into labor. I'm already on progesterone supplements, metformin, and baby aspirin to prevent clotting in case that had something to do with Emerson's birth.
For some reason I am so scared for my appt. I will always fear that this baby won't come home. I try to live as positive as possible. I go into every thought or conversation about this baby with nothing but positivity and when I speak of them, I speak as if they are coming home. This time they have to. Its a weird feeling to be excited but so scared because you know you are not guaranteed a thing.
I really meant to start this out positive but I can't hide being so scared. Its hard when you already love something more than life itself and you fear it will be taken away again.