I can't hold my child, so I hold on to memories

            I've mentioned before that I do strange things out of grief. Think what you want, but it helps me. I've held on to half full water bottles from when I was on bed rest. I've held on to each hospital bracelet from all my ER visits, cerclage surgery and hospital bed rest.

One thing I've held on to that reminds me of the happiest day of my life is this:

This IHOP mint. We went to Grand Rapids for a cervical length ultrasound. I was 18 weeks pregnant and we were hoping they'd be nice and check the gender. They had an ultrasound tech that was there to learn, so they asked if I was ok with being the guinea pig and letting her learn how to check cervical lengths on me. Since I was nice and allowed her to learn on me, they checked the gender for me. My husband and I sat there trying to guess. I thought for sure I knew what the gender was. I thought boy, I swear I saw something there. But when she swept over the baby again, she said with a huge smile "it's a girl!" I've never seen my husband smile so much before. I was so excited. Not that we didn't want a boy, obviously I will take whatever I can get. We just imagined ourselves with a girl, so to have that happen we were so excited. I couldn't even think straight. So to celebrate we went to IHOP. Being so excited that I couldn't think straight. I couldn't find pancakes on the menu. I then asked my husband as I was bouncing in my seat from excitement "do they have pancakes here?" Now IHOP is one of my favorite restaurants and pancakes are one of my favorite foods and was a craving during pregnancy so there was no way I wouldn't know they served pancakes at THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LOL I was so freaking happy, I didn't realize where we were or why I couldn't find pancakes on the menu. Our waitress laughed at me and had no idea why I was so airheaded at the moment. I was just beyond happy that I couldn't read or think or do anything but smile, bounce in my seat and breathe. That was the happiest day of my life. That was when I could think of the baby as Evelie and not just the baby anymore. We could dream of her as a her :) I put the mint in my purse because I'm not huge on mints right after food. I thought I'd eat it later.

I must have forgotten all about it and when we came home after her birth, I was digging in my purse and came across my ihop mint. I cried so hard. The happiness and hope we had that day, planning the nursery, shopping for clothes. I will never know those feelings again and her life is over. That mint is still in my purse and I carry it every where I go. It's my reminder that a long time ago, we were as happy as one couple could be. Life was good back then. That day I was so happy and excited I didn't realize that they sold pancakes at the International House of Pancakes. That day was one of the best days of my life. I don't know if that is strange to some people but my life isn't happy, nothing really makes us happy anymore and all I have are tiny memories of what it felt like to truly be as happy as I could be.

To anyone else if you went through my purse or my home, my tiny memories would look like ordinary items to you, with out a story behind them. However, I can look around and tell you each item in my home that I hold on to from my pregnancy and each time I look at them I can pull those emotions from the exact day that I got that item and why I kept it. I need those things to stay sane, to remind me what happiness used to feel like. If they disappear I'm afraid my ability to feel that happiness again, will disappear. My children's lives are gathered in rubbermaid tubs. They lived under 2hrs but I've created mementos from things along the way. You have to when you don't get the time you wanted. You create the memories. I have photos from each day I was on bed rest, of random stuff. I do what I can to make it through.

To be that happy again, to be beyond excited that I couldn't even remember that at one of my favorite restaurants (that I've visited probably a million times and only order pancakes when I go) they served pancakes at a place called the international house of pancakes. As long as I have that mint, each time I see it when I'm searching for something in my purse, I will remember that day (August 2nd 2011) and the feeling of being that happiest couple in the world. Even if it was for only a couple weeks.

“Let every man shovel out his own snow, and the whole city will be passable," said Gamache. Seeing Beauvoir's puzzled expression he added, "Emerson." "Lake and Palmer?"..... "Ralph and Waldo.”

Today was a rough day, and I say "today" as if it isn't every day. It is, it's every single day since we lost Emerson. However, some are just far worse than others. Today, is one of the rougher days. On my way to fill my face with a greasy burger from Wendy's, I was admiring the snow covered trees.   I have always loved the beauty in nature. Since (2007) I have been a grieving mother and those beautiful images are always tainted with something that is missing.  People think pregnancies and babies and 4 year old little girls are the only triggers in my life. That is false. Anything in this world is a trigger and there are a million of them a day. I snapped a few photos as I was driving and I will tell you what they trigger for me.

I see this image as I would years ago, before my kids. I still notice the beauty in it but now it triggers further thoughts. As I was driving I realized that I should have a tiny baby tucked away in her car seat. Her sister next to her, just gabbing away. Emerson would be turning 5 in April. She would've been spunky. And as I see the beautiful snow outside, I realize she would be asking "mom, when we get home will you play with me in the snow?" How I would give anything to have that. No matter how tired or worn out I would've been. I would've played outside with her forever. We would've done anything she wanted. That's what that photo triggered for me. I don't need just babies, or pregnant women to trigger things (although they do trigger emotions sometimes) it's a simple snow resting lightly on the trees. A drive alone. Realizing what my life should have been. Realizing that it will never be that. Those things will never happen in our lives. I had tears streaming so bad that I had to pull over for a second in fear I'd get in an accident.

A grieving mother never forgets. The triggers never end. I will always know what my life should have been and each time that happens, I'll wait for the day dream to end and the world to crash down on me again. It's looking into our empty guest bedroom. What would have been Evelie's room. How I miss laying with Derrick and planning what we were going to do in there. The colors, the crib, her changing table. It's all of our friends having children and we're the only ones left without any. It's getting up at 3 am for work and not because there is a crying baby here. It's turning 27 and realizing when I was younger, I had other thoughts on what my life would be by now. It's the dogs begging to go outside when it should be my kids. It's anything and everything. It happens every second of everyday. It has for the last 4 almost 5 years. This isn't how it should be, for me or anyone else. I should see the beautiful snow, and I should be happy with my two girls. How close we were to a perfect life. Realizing now how very far away we are from it and the fact that perfect will never be. Happiness and perfect are words we don't have in our vocabulary for explaining anything in our lives. We hate our lives. 

So what does someone who has never lost anyone see in that photo? I wish I knew what that felt like. I wish I was ignorant to this pain and this life. I wish I was on the other side. I wish this wasn't our life. So as my husband is at work and I'm at home alone, I will sit in my big picture window and watch the light snow fall. I will day dream about what life would have been. Even though it hurts to do so, that is all I have. I will picture what Emerson would be saying or doing and what Evelie would need at this very moment. I will picture just the 3 of us snuggling on the couch. I see myself holding Evelie as Eme lays her head on my arm and tells me some elaborate story she's made up. She'd probably be holding her skunk with the pink mohawk that we bought her when I was 14 weeks pregnant with her. She'd probably kiss her sister or ask to hold her. I'd make us some crazy kind of hot cocoa to drink while we watch the snow. Then after a while. I'd put them to bed and Eme would tell me how excited she is to have the whole day with her daddy tomorrow. That's when the day dreams get too hard. That's where it has to stop at least for tonight. My heart can't handle thinking of my husband and what they would do, how he would rush home to be with them. That's where this has to stop. 

Just another lonely night

Sadly, I have many of them. Too many. Sometimes I'll just be browsing facebook and someone will post a music video that will trigger feelings. Lately it's been rough, well not just lately it's never really let up.  I am thankful for my husband, to have someone who knows what this feels like. Who shares with me his pain, the things that hurt him. I obviously, with every fiber of my being, wish that he never had a clue what this felt like. I wish this never happened to him. I can take care of me, no matter how bad it gets. When you have the person you love with all your heart, hurting its just too much. It hurts me deep down in my soul to know he dislikes his life. Often telling me he is just hanging out until this life is done. I understand him. I do, and you can't unless you've been in our shoes exactly. Taken every step we have, only then will you know exactly what I'm speaking about. We started trying for a child a year after we were married. Miraculously got pregnant 6 months later. Only to lose our 1st child at 20 weeks pregnant. Tried continuously for 4 years only to suffer 4 early miscarriages. Then in May of 2011 we decided our souls had, had enough. We thought it would never happen and we were watching our young lives pass by. We didn't know ourselves anymore. We knew fertility, pregnancy and loss. Nothing more. So we said no more trying, if it happens, great. If not, we'll deal with this one step at a time. Little did we know I was already pregnant. The month before I had thrown out my basal body thermometer, stopped tracking my cycles on the computer, stopped taking pregnancy tests so early and just lived. I had never had so much fun in my life before. I forgot what it was like to be me, before trying to have a child. For the first time in 6 years, I just let go. I hadn't even noticed any symptoms because I was too busy being me, and having fun. So when I realized I was ridiculously late, not thinking I was pregnant but had to make sure. I took a test. Never expecting anything to show up, why would it we're 2 of the unluckiest people in the world. But there is was, as soon as the urine hit the first line it was as bright as can be and the test wasn't even close to being finished. I was pregnant, very pregnant. Everything in the world was right. But we knew this one could end like all the rest of them. So they tested my hcg levels every 48 hours and they were so high and doubling like a healthy pregnancy should. Well we know how this story ends. We lost her at 21.5 weeks. So not a single person know what this feels like unless you've had our shoes on, step for step.   

 I hurt for me, I hurt for my family and most of all I hurt for my husband. I hate to see the look in his eye when I catch him glancing at a baby girl that we've stumbled upon in public. He doesn't know I catch him more than he thinks. The sad look in his eyes just cripples me. It is so very hard to explain. I feel his pain, those things hurt me too but seeing him hurt is so hard to deal with. This time around he has been very open about his pain. Which is great but hurts at the same time. He deserves the life he should have had. He is an amazing father and he deserves to have a living, healthy child. Something I couldn't do for him.  His birthday was on the 7th and the end of December he told me that he has dates that he has been dreading like I had dates. I dreaded Nov 28th, the day my cerclage was going to come out and she was probably going to be born. Her due date Jan 1st. He said the November date didn't bother him, because he didn't think she was going to come in November. He hated Christmas and Jan 1st through the 7th. Because the 1st was her due date and the 7th was the original due date until they realized I was further along than I thought. He hated that because between the 1st and the 7th she would have been here any time in that frame. He told me how this birthday was the worst birthday he's ever had. how he hated Jan. We had some very dark moments, moments I'm embarrassed to admit that we even talked about. Burying your children takes you to a dark spot. You no longer care about anything in the world. Its the point when you realize that you peaked at your happiness at a young age and you will never feel that way again. Nothing will make you as happy as you once were.

  

And you will never achieve that happiness again. We are here just hanging out until it's all over. At the age of 27 and 29 our lives are pretty much over. Nothing to look forward to. And an empty house that never had the pitter patter of children's feet. It's a very hard thing to swallow. You feel like less of a women, less of a wife and the talk of the town.  You get things thrown in your face, many people who think they're better than you. People who offer you their uterus as if that will make everything better. People that offer you their children as a joke. Life sucks and as much as I like that my husband is so open and tells me his pain. Sometimes in a selfish way, I wish he wouldn't. Just because knowing how much he hurts tears me apart and is too much to handle. He deserves everything and I can't even put a word on the feeling I have, that I couldn't do that for him. I feel responsible, I feel broken and I'm tired of people pointing out that I can't do it. I feel defeated. My husband hates his life and I feel at fault. Listening to him tell me he hates his life, even though I know the feeling, I somehow feel like it's my fault. Had he married someone else, he would have it all. He would have what he deserves.  He's such an amazing man and he loves his daughters with all of himself. He was so ready, so ready to have his daughters Dirty diapers and all. He was so excited and he hates his life now.  He's so young and he hates it, he hates that nothing makes him happy. He hates watching everyone have what he once had but never got to keep. My heart breaks for him. I obviously know the feelings but it's different when you go through it yourself compared to hearing your husband go through it. 

 These lonely nights are painful. I'm left to worry about him, left to worry about the future. Left knowing that we will never have children. Left alone knowing that he never wants to love anything again, in fear that he will lose it. In his eyes if you don't love anything, it can't be taken from you. His reasoning for never trying again.  Because at some point, we could bring home a full term healthy child, but he's scared as they age someday an accident will happen and we'll have to bury a third child and feel these feelings again. I get his way of thinking, I really do and it kills me to know he feels this. That our dream is over at such a young age. We should be the parents of an almost 5 year old child and a new baby. But we're not. we're that childless couple that tried so hard but couldn't do it. We're the couple that gets asked how many years we've been married, then followed with "married 6 years and no children?" yes, thank you for adding salt to the wound. 6 years of being married, pregnant within the year after you got married and no living children. Thank you for pointing out how terrible that sounds, as if we didn't know.

 Lonely nights, I hate you. I hate every night. I hate every day. I hate every moment. I hate every second. and I'm angry that we will never be as happy as we once were. At our age, we know our happiness is over and we're just hanging out until this life is done. I'm angry that this is how it is.

*sigh* another milestone

New Years is anything but happy this year among all the other holidays. Jan 1st was my due date. If (by some kind of strange miracle) we were able to make it to Jan 1st or even over due, we were excited to start the new year out the best we could ever think possible. However, here we are again. This year, like the past 4 years, will suck. I'm so tired of this life. So sick of hating pregnancy/baby stuff. I'm tired of this feeling and I hate that I know this is how our life will be until our time is done.  I'm sick of being asked what our plans are for the evening. I don't have any, and I don't want any. I have not a thing to be excited about and nothing to celebrate.

 I wish I could rewind and fix everything. I forget what life was like before all of this. We had one year of wedded bliss before this terrible pain started. We don't remember what it felt like to not have a care in the world.

 I'm thankful to have a husband that is so open about this stuff with me. This kind of loss puts a lot of strain on a marriage but it helps to talk about it together, when we can. We tried watching "the other women" together and it broke my heart when my husband asked for me to turn it off. It was too much for him to handle. I like to watch movies that deal with loss, it makes me feel a bit normal. To know someone feels the way I do. He, however said that he was bothered by it. The women in the movie heard many hurtful things about the baby she lost. Stupid things people said to her. Derrick said this bothered him because if it was in the movie that means people thought about it, have heard it said to them or someone they know. Meaning that people really do view your loss as nothing much and a baby isn't really a person. He said that stuff hurt him to much to hear. Knowing that people in our lives could feel that way. After all, someone thought enough about it to put it in a movie. So we shut it off and I tried to finish it alone when he was at work.

 There is so much that goes with this life as the kind of parents we are. There isn't really a word for us. Sometimes I find it to hard to write here. I've gotten pretty good at going to work, forgetting this is my life that when I sit down to pull out what I'm feeling, it gets too overwhelming. Right now all I feel is I don't want this life. This time it's just too hard. Too hard to be that childless couple, too hard to be the couple that has to do this twice. Too hard to pick out a headstone, too hard to accept they aren't coming back. Just plain and simple, too hard. 

 Nothing will fix it, nothing makes me feel better. I'm angry that I watch my husband watch others with their kids and knowing he will never have those experiences. I have those same problems. Anyways, I don't really know where I'm going with this but I can't imagine anything great happening in 2012. We no longer have anything to look forward to. We fill our days will silly stupid things to pass the time. We don't know what else to do.

Christmas

        Although every single time I breathe and every second of the day I miss my kids, its very hard during the holidays. This year especially as Emerson would be 4 and little Ms. Evelie would only be a few weeks old or I'd still be pregnant. Instead my husband and I are lonely again this year. I'm tired of being that lonely couple that's been married for 6 years and they still have no children. I want my kids. I want the house filled with laughter, I want my little sidekick helping me bake. I want this house filled with happiness, little tiny snowboots and mittens scattered by the front door. Wet snowy clothes strung from the door to Emerson's bedroom. And when we bake my kitchen would have flour everywhere. Instead its just me today, baking alone. Not pregnant, no 4 year old. Just me, trying to fill my time and head with so much stuff that I can't possibly feel sad. No matter how hard I try, that never works. Its impossible to push it away. Forever, for the rest of my life there is 2 giant holes in my heart that can't and won't be filled with anything. They'll be missing from my life forever, from each thing I do. I still can't believe this happened to us twice. I thought Evelie would make it, we did all we could. The doctors did all they could.       

I'm ready for the holidays to be over and stupid milestones to stop (even though they never will, they never did with Emerson and its been 4 years) I want a different life. I don't like this one anymore *sigh*

Jubilee Shalom Duggar

 I just have to say my opinion on this topic because it drives me insane. I recently seen photos from this baby's memorial and I immediately felt scared for the parents. I was so worried they'd get negative comments back for sharing their photos. I also hate how people also have to WARN people before looking at them. Its not like its a huge bloody murder scene, it's a sweet little child born too soon. How could that be disturbing in any way? We were all at that stage of development at a point in our life too. I will never understand someone calling a photo of a baby disturbing.

I remember having a bake sale at Spanky's once and we had a photo of Emerson on the flyer. It was at the counter and I was sitting down in the chairs and a young couple was paying for their food when the guy looked down (not knowing I was the mother of that child) and said "that's just disturbing" I wanted to bawl my eyes out. He called my child disturbing. How could you look at her sweet face and call her disturbing? Why are they disturbing? My children looked the same when they were alive as they did when they passed away.  I will never understand close minded people without compassion or a heart. My heart breaks for the duggars. I don't care how many kids they have, its really not my business why they don't like birthcontrol or the even the fact of whether or not they use it. However, they are wonderful parents and no matter how many you have....a loss is a loss and hurts just the same. I was hoping them sharing their child with the world would open up the taboo issues with infant loss. I am, yet again ashamed at how most of the world treats this topic. How hard is it to put yourself in someone's shoes that has lost a child, and just imagine for a moment what you would feel like.

After having Evelie, I will no longer put warnings on my photos. She was beautiful, she was hope, she was love, she was happiness. I will not warn anyone of those things. I will share those things with you but I will not warn. I don't get photos that other mother's do, I have what I have and if I want to share. I will. So I ask that if you are reading this, take a second and think how you would feel if someone called your child disturbing. Think twice before judging someone and what they do in the name of grief.

My love and thoughts are with the Duggars and Ms. Jubilee Shalom, may you rest in peace sweet little girl <3

Just one of many bad days

   Today after wrapping presents, I sat down to relax and I just lost it. Sometimes when you finally slow down, reality hits. My babies are gone. I know they existed but tonight I needed some kind of proof. So I typed Evelie's name into google, just to see it. To see something show up but then I realized that wasn't what I should have done. All that pops up is her obituary. I just sat and cried. She existed but she's dead. A word I prefer not to use, I'd rather hear "passed away." However tonight I'm angry. I'm angry she's gone. She brought so much hope, so much happiness into our lives. I will never forget how excited her father was for her. He deserves that happiness. This Christmas should be the happiest of our lives. Can't believe we were so close, so close to bringing her home. So close to painting a nursery, so close to happiness. Tonight I'm wondering how I do this, how I keep breathing. How I'm a mother of 2 children that are gone.  Life has lost so much meaning. We had so much to look forward to. We used to mark each week by the passing of Sunday, looked forward to each Doctor appt. and looked forward to Tuesdays when they would measure my cervical length and we held our breath until they said it was a good length. This still feels like a dream. I keep wishing some how I'll wake up and she'll be here. I imagine being able to squeeze her cheeks, and hold her so tight. I just want to touch her again.

It hurts to know what your life should be and having it fall so short of what you wanted. Now we find silly things to bring us happiness, something to keep up breathing. I hate that, I hate that it what our life has come to. I don't want silly little things that are just distractions until I grow old and pass away. This isn't the life I wanted. I'm angry that this is mine now. We will always be THAT couple, the childless couple. The ones that only have each other. The ones that have no idea what its like to pick their child up from kindergarten. The ones where the dad has never changed a diaper in his life and at one time was so excited to try cloth diapering. The ones that know the pain of infertility and will always cringe at the pregnancy announcements and little children the age theirs should have been. The ones that try to fill their life with something to take up their time until they die. Sometimes I wish I would have pushed the Doctors harder, told them more than I did that I wasn't giving up. I don't want to be here without my kids. Today is hard, every day is hard. 

I miss them. I miss them more than anyone will ever know. I remember what each daughter smelled like. I remember Emerson moving her hand when she was born. Something I wish I would have captured on video camera, but obviously wasn't thinking of anything like that. I remember everything. I wish I could erase the images of watching my children dying. I wish I never had to see their last breath. I wish we were lucky people, I wish this never happened. And sometimes, in my deepest, darkest days I wish I never got pregnant. Not that I don't love them, never EVER question that! Its just this pain is so hard, that the pain of never getting pregnant would be easier to handle than this. I wish, that wishes really did come true.  

Every once in a while I go through their totes and look at all their things. Both their blankets that they were wrapped in right after birth are in a plastic ziploc, It holds their smell in there. I only open it on really bad days because I'm afraid if I do it too much, one day the smell will be done. I do this when my husband isn't home. I can't handle the look on his face when he sees their things. Its too much for me to handle. Especially Evelie's things. He got to bond with her a lot. He felt her kicks, something he never got to do with Emerson. She brought a lot of happiness. She was that rainbow after the storm. Its a lot to handle, your own pain then watching your husband go through it too. It feels like a lot of weight. I feel responsible for a lot of people's pain. Something I can't explain to anyone, that's just how I feel. Life moves forward, but I'm not ready for it to. I'm afraid it will move too fast and some day I'll forget what they looked like, or how they smelled. I'm afraid when I'm older my memory will go and I'll never remember them at all. The only thing I have to hold on to is the hope of being able to see them one day. If that doesn't exist, I'm not sure what I will do. 

I hate that I know I've had days like this before, will have them in the future for the rest of my life. When I was younger, this was not the life I envisioned. I thought I'd get married and have babies just like anyone else and we'd live happily ever after.....not even close.