Last night was quite therapeutic for us. It came out of nowhere but was obviously much needed. My laptop got some virus thing and we ended up having to do a factory restart, hoping that we got everything on a flash drive and didn't lose any pictures. The only thing I was worried about was Evelie's pictures. Just to make sure I still have the cd the hospital gave us (I knew I wouldn't throw that away but needed to make sure I still had it) that meant I had to open her little rubbermaid tub and dig into her stuff. Something I haven't done since I packed it away. So Derrick got it out for me and we both ended up going through it. As soon as the lid came off, I lost it. The tiny little star hoodie she was supposed to wear was on top. Along with a cute pink outfit that says "I found my prince, his name is Daddy" I quickly threw those to the side with tears streaming down my face. Frantically looking for just a cd, trying to pass everything in there. IMPOSSIBLE to do. The blanket they wrapped her in right away, the presents given to us that she was supposed to use. Then at the bottom of the box, a wooden box filled with all her imprints and tiny pinks booties that grandma jessie had bought her. I had to check and make sure all her molds/imprints were still ok. Derrick opened the box and we just stared at it. This is what we have. a box filled will stuff, hospital bracelets, molds, tiny clothes, baby items that will never be used. I could see Derrick trying so hard to hold it back. His eyes filled and you can see the rims of them turning red. I sat there and just bawled. I opened the ziploc bag and tried to smell her blanket but through all the tears my nose couldn't smell a thing. I zipped it back up in fear I'd let her smell out. I found the c.d and quickly put all her items back.
We started talking through the tears and decided we should take a walk. We spent the whole hour talking about the girls and their births. Once we got home the conversation never ended. We sat on the couch and continued to talk. Then a question from Derrick threw me off and gave my heart some emotions I hadn't felt. He asked me......"when Evelie was born, did you hear her cry?" I didn't hear anything but I was also very much in shock and watching them move around me, getting Evelie wrapped up etc. I was everywhere and do not remember hearing or seeing her move when she was born. When he asked me that, my heart just dropped, like it have just been let go off the top of the tallest building. I didn't hear her cry, something I don't know if I'm sad I missed or if it would some how be harder (as if it would get any harder, I think we endured the hardest thing in life ever) He said he heard the tiniest cry, but thought maybe he was insane and wished he heard her. He was hoping I did and could confirm his thought. He described it as the tiniest cat noise ever, and then she moved her arm. My heart hurts, I never saw any movement in her arms. I just saw her little mouth move. I knew she was alive but she was so tiny I didn't want her to try to move in fear that she would be in pain. I witnessed Emerson's arm move when she was born and in a way wished that I witnessed Evelie do the same. I just wanted her to be comfortable and to do what didn't hurt her.
My heart didn't know how to process what Derrick was asking. My heart ached, I never heard her cry. I asked him if her tiny cry sounded like she was in pain and I held my breath hoping he'd answer it with exactly what I wanted to hear "no, it didn't sound like she was in any pain at all, it sounded like she was just talking" I told him that I was happy he had that moment with her. I'm happy that he noticed something that no one else did. He was hoping I answered it different and said that I heard it because he doesn't feel like his own ears are telling him the truth. He doubts himself about it since I didn't hear it. I explained that they were swarming around me and people asking me questions etc. that I didn't get to quietly focus on anything right away. Him, he was on the "sidelines" so he could notice all the things I couldn't. I always thought I was a few days further along that they thought but they would never listen. Derrick hearing her cry, breaks my heart. What if she was far enough to get the steroids, what if they could have saved her? Now I live with the "what ifs" I will spend my whole life beating myself up wondering why they didn't help her, what if I made them do something? would she be here?
I wonder if hearing her cry would have made me jump out of that bed and shake the shit out of a doctor forcing them to save her (something I imagined doing anyways, tearing the iv's out and shaking them until they listened to me) would it break my heart to hear that, would it make this terrible situation worse (as if it really could ever get worse) or would I cherish that moment? I will never know. Her father carries that with him and I'm not sure how he feels about it. He mentioned that it tore his heart out but at the same time he heard a noise from her, something we never heard out of Emerson and something I guess you long to hear. I'm glad he has that moment, something just he shared with Evelie. Their moment, his memory. Today, I'm still processing that. I'm really not sure what to feel or think. If she was able to cry, her lungs had to be somewhat ok. Then the "what ifs" haunt me again. I would have laid my life out for my girls, I did everything I could. Fighting for them to leave the cerclage in knowing that was the only chance to get anymore days with her inside. Had they taken that, she wouldn't have made it the extra week and a half. I fought like hell for her and I would do it again in a heartbeat. That is what you do as a mother. You protect your child and I did, from day one! I love my girls more than anyone could ever know.
