Today I am reminded that I am surrounded by wonderful people who have allowed me to openly grieve and have been nothing but loving and supportive of me. They support me when I'm happy and love me even when I'm not my greatest.
Today my eyes were opened. I work in a bakery. We hired a new cake decorator back in August. I haven't noticed a single baby shower cake in a very long time. I didn't really pay much attention to it. Then I was told that our new decorator (who obviously knows my story) decided to take all the shower cakes that come through and work on them only after I leave. She hid them from me. She never speaks of pregnancies in front of me. This whole time I had no clue. I'm amazed that someone could possibly figure out what could hurt a mother like me and be so sensitive. It's not easy to do. I know it's not. I know I confuse people because I talk about baby stuff but it's easy to talk about (sometimes) when you have hope for the future. Pregnancy announcements still sting and certain days I hate anything to do with babies. I don't want to see baby clothes or hear about children. So I KNOW it isn't easy to figure out what could hurt another person like me.
I'm amazed that she would even think of that. After talking about that at work today, I found out other things she does to protect me. She found out someone that we both know is pregnant, and without me knowing she asked someone else if I knew. Then asked them how I was handling it. How could she possibly know that I might be having a hard time with it? How could she know those annoucements still sting, no matter how happy I am for others, they still hurt. I still wish it was me. I didn't even think she knew they were pregnant because she didn't mention a single thing about it. And in great detail she can tell you how she thinks it makes me feel and she hits the nail on the head every single time. She is an amazing human being. It take s a lot of work to hide cakes and orders from me. I still can't believe she's done that for over 7 months. That means the next baby shower cake I'll see will be my own. I don't think she realizes how special that is for me. I'm shocked. Nothing could ever tell her how sweet and caring I think she is. It takes a lot to see the world through someone else's eyes, especially a mother who had dealt with infertility and lots of loss.
She even recognizes the girls. I was making Derrick a birthday cake and she slipped one purple and one pink candle for me to take to him. She said she wanted him to make a wish and those candles represented the girls. I've only told her their colors once. This women has such a beautiful heart. She cries with me from sadness and sheds tears of happiness with me. I am so thankful to know her. I appreciate her more than she could ever know.
Even living this life, it's hard to know what might be a trigger and bring on pain. I'm shocked that someone on the outside could put themselves in my shoes and see the world differently. To go out of her way to hide baby shower cakes until I finished my shift. She told me that she wants to make my cake. She said I could have as many as I wanted if I couldn't decide on one design. She knows I never had a baby shower and I've always dreamed of it. She's a special lady and I'm lucky to have her in my life. <3
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
Happiness often sneaks in through a door you didn't know you left open.
(I had to add this after I wrote this~I always start writing and it always seems to go in many different directions. I noticed that tonight as I wrote this. I'm all over the place. So enjoy that lol)
I haven't felt this happy in a long time <3 There will always be bad days. It happens. With every single breath I take, I will always miss my girls. There will be triggers that bring the grief to the front. I will feel guilty about being happy when I shouldn't be, because my babies are not here. Nothing will ever make me feel better about grief or coping with it. I love them with every single bit of myself. I would have been a damn good mother to them.
This surgery has been an eye opener. I cried a lot. From happiness and sadness. Realizing I was only traveling miles away to see the top doctor because my children died. I was only there because they weren't here. Children are not replaceable. No matter how many we have there will always be 2 girls missing from every family photo. 2 girls that we missed a life time of experiences with. 2 girls that Derrick will never walk down the aisle. 2 girls that will never dance in our living room and never bake cupcakes with me.
That is a lot to carry for parents. A lot to handle. It rips my heart out every day to wake up and breathe. Remembering I watched them take their first and last breath in the same day. Then having to visit a cold headstone where they lay beneath.Where Evelie's tiny body holds Emerson's urn. Something parents should never go through.
Now I realize this didn't turn into to what sounds like a happy post. It is. I'll explain. I do carry that with me every day of my life. Not a second goes by that I don't think of them. It has taken me a very long to not feel guilty about being happy. Everyone has their opinion on how people should handle grief. They often say " I don't know what I'd do if that happened to me, I wouldn't be able to get out of bed" etc. It isn't easy but I had to get out of bed. I had to go to work. I have to face babies, pregnant women and pregnancy announcements. I wanted to stay in bed, I wanted to die.
Then there was a day when my husband called me from his job. He told me we couldn't go on living like this. We had to try again for another baby because if we didn't we'd never be happy again. I didn't say a word, I couldn't. The tears were just streaming down my face. I had something to live for again. I had something to look forward to. I had a reason to keep living. We talked about how I would find more info on the tac (transabdominal cerclage) and then I'd set up the consultation with Dr. Haney. I scheduled the phone consultation with Haney. Prepared my list of questions for him. And then we waited a month for the actual call. We got both phones out so Derrick could sit in, ask questions and hear what Haney had to say too.
Dr. Haney spent over an hour on the phone with us. Every thing on my list, he answered before I had the chance to ask it. He explained how the tac works from an engineers point of view. Derrick loved that, he completely understood what was going to happen. He told us that I would be cured. That the reason I lost both of my girls would be fixed. He explained why the cerclage that we had with Evelie didn't work and how this is much different with a significantly higher and almost perfect success rate. I know a lot of women who have seen him. My friends and family know I don't do anything without researching the crap out of it. Any article with Haney in it, I've read it. This mother can research and dig up stuff better than the fbi.
The phone consult ended on such a wonderful note. I then tried to get health insurance. This was a long process. No one wants to cover a women with pcos, a history of fertility meds, miscarriages, infant loss, and 2 lengthy expensive hospital bedrest bills. I sounded like one hell of an expensive women on paper and just a headache for them. I finally got on insurance and had to wait 6 months (on top of the 3 I waited to just get denied over and over from other insurance) because I obviously have a pre existing condition. That wait was such a long wait. I remember feeling so defeated. Not even sure if they'd cover the surgery. I never thought I'd see the end of the waiting period. It helped us get through the holidays. Having something to look forward to. Honestly if we didn't have this, I am not sure how life would have gone. Christmas has been hell for the last 6 years. We finally had something to be happy about.
During the waiting period I kept researching. Talking to all the ladies I knew that had this done. Getting to hear how normal their pregnancies were. How they got to work, no bedrest. Just like a normal pregnant women. That is exciting. Though I know I won't be normal, because I know loss. I will worry every second of my pregnancy. Probably won't enjoy it because of my past. I'll do it because that's what I have to do.
Now the 6 months is up. We've past it. We traveled. I did it. Even though I was scared out of my mind about going under, it's done. So this new chapter starts. 7 years, 4 miscarriages, giving birth to 2 sweet baby girls and watching them take their last breaths, the pain, the moments of not wanting to go on and it feels like we get to go forward. We don't go forward and forget what happened. We will carry that with us, each step. I have researched the things I wanted like cloth diapers, how we want to parent etc. for as long as we've been married. 8 years. It feels like we will finally get to put this stuff to use. Every day when I look at my child. I will try my hardest because I have 2 little girls that I gave everything for. They will help me remember to do my best. They will help me on the hard days. There will always be reminders and triggers of what I didn't get to do with them. Always. But I will hug a little tighter, love deeper and kiss whenever I can because there are 2 girls that never got that. I will make up for what I never got to do for them.
They have taught me so much. I cried when I was in Chicago because they weren't here. I also cry because I was there to have a chance at happiness. I miss them more than anyone could know. No one knows what we've gone through. No one knows how many times I've cried. How many times I have wanted to throw my furniture out on the lawn because I was so angry and didn't know how to express my pain. How many times I've gone through their items and sobbed because I just want to touch them one more time. I can allow happy days. I can grieve but be happy too.
Today I am happy. We finally have something to look forward to. The surgery is done. My ovaries are "gorgeous" and we have a new chapter to write. I haven't smiled as much as I have in the last month. I am finally happy. We are finally happy. I forgot what this felt like. It's been so long. I am excited for the future. Excited to see Derrick with our babies, in a positive setting. And not in the heartbreaking, tragic ones I've witnessed. I am ready.
I haven't felt this happy in a long time <3 There will always be bad days. It happens. With every single breath I take, I will always miss my girls. There will be triggers that bring the grief to the front. I will feel guilty about being happy when I shouldn't be, because my babies are not here. Nothing will ever make me feel better about grief or coping with it. I love them with every single bit of myself. I would have been a damn good mother to them.
This surgery has been an eye opener. I cried a lot. From happiness and sadness. Realizing I was only traveling miles away to see the top doctor because my children died. I was only there because they weren't here. Children are not replaceable. No matter how many we have there will always be 2 girls missing from every family photo. 2 girls that we missed a life time of experiences with. 2 girls that Derrick will never walk down the aisle. 2 girls that will never dance in our living room and never bake cupcakes with me.
That is a lot to carry for parents. A lot to handle. It rips my heart out every day to wake up and breathe. Remembering I watched them take their first and last breath in the same day. Then having to visit a cold headstone where they lay beneath.Where Evelie's tiny body holds Emerson's urn. Something parents should never go through.
Now I realize this didn't turn into to what sounds like a happy post. It is. I'll explain. I do carry that with me every day of my life. Not a second goes by that I don't think of them. It has taken me a very long to not feel guilty about being happy. Everyone has their opinion on how people should handle grief. They often say " I don't know what I'd do if that happened to me, I wouldn't be able to get out of bed" etc. It isn't easy but I had to get out of bed. I had to go to work. I have to face babies, pregnant women and pregnancy announcements. I wanted to stay in bed, I wanted to die.
Then there was a day when my husband called me from his job. He told me we couldn't go on living like this. We had to try again for another baby because if we didn't we'd never be happy again. I didn't say a word, I couldn't. The tears were just streaming down my face. I had something to live for again. I had something to look forward to. I had a reason to keep living. We talked about how I would find more info on the tac (transabdominal cerclage) and then I'd set up the consultation with Dr. Haney. I scheduled the phone consultation with Haney. Prepared my list of questions for him. And then we waited a month for the actual call. We got both phones out so Derrick could sit in, ask questions and hear what Haney had to say too.
Dr. Haney spent over an hour on the phone with us. Every thing on my list, he answered before I had the chance to ask it. He explained how the tac works from an engineers point of view. Derrick loved that, he completely understood what was going to happen. He told us that I would be cured. That the reason I lost both of my girls would be fixed. He explained why the cerclage that we had with Evelie didn't work and how this is much different with a significantly higher and almost perfect success rate. I know a lot of women who have seen him. My friends and family know I don't do anything without researching the crap out of it. Any article with Haney in it, I've read it. This mother can research and dig up stuff better than the fbi.
The phone consult ended on such a wonderful note. I then tried to get health insurance. This was a long process. No one wants to cover a women with pcos, a history of fertility meds, miscarriages, infant loss, and 2 lengthy expensive hospital bedrest bills. I sounded like one hell of an expensive women on paper and just a headache for them. I finally got on insurance and had to wait 6 months (on top of the 3 I waited to just get denied over and over from other insurance) because I obviously have a pre existing condition. That wait was such a long wait. I remember feeling so defeated. Not even sure if they'd cover the surgery. I never thought I'd see the end of the waiting period. It helped us get through the holidays. Having something to look forward to. Honestly if we didn't have this, I am not sure how life would have gone. Christmas has been hell for the last 6 years. We finally had something to be happy about.
During the waiting period I kept researching. Talking to all the ladies I knew that had this done. Getting to hear how normal their pregnancies were. How they got to work, no bedrest. Just like a normal pregnant women. That is exciting. Though I know I won't be normal, because I know loss. I will worry every second of my pregnancy. Probably won't enjoy it because of my past. I'll do it because that's what I have to do.
Now the 6 months is up. We've past it. We traveled. I did it. Even though I was scared out of my mind about going under, it's done. So this new chapter starts. 7 years, 4 miscarriages, giving birth to 2 sweet baby girls and watching them take their last breaths, the pain, the moments of not wanting to go on and it feels like we get to go forward. We don't go forward and forget what happened. We will carry that with us, each step. I have researched the things I wanted like cloth diapers, how we want to parent etc. for as long as we've been married. 8 years. It feels like we will finally get to put this stuff to use. Every day when I look at my child. I will try my hardest because I have 2 little girls that I gave everything for. They will help me remember to do my best. They will help me on the hard days. There will always be reminders and triggers of what I didn't get to do with them. Always. But I will hug a little tighter, love deeper and kiss whenever I can because there are 2 girls that never got that. I will make up for what I never got to do for them.
They have taught me so much. I cried when I was in Chicago because they weren't here. I also cry because I was there to have a chance at happiness. I miss them more than anyone could know. No one knows what we've gone through. No one knows how many times I've cried. How many times I have wanted to throw my furniture out on the lawn because I was so angry and didn't know how to express my pain. How many times I've gone through their items and sobbed because I just want to touch them one more time. I can allow happy days. I can grieve but be happy too.
Today I am happy. We finally have something to look forward to. The surgery is done. My ovaries are "gorgeous" and we have a new chapter to write. I haven't smiled as much as I have in the last month. I am finally happy. We are finally happy. I forgot what this felt like. It's been so long. I am excited for the future. Excited to see Derrick with our babies, in a positive setting. And not in the heartbreaking, tragic ones I've witnessed. I am ready.
Monday, February 4, 2013
the strips are off
Today I got to take my steri strips off my incision. Feels weird to have nothing on it. I stood in the mirror and just looked at it. It's not nearly as big as I thought it was going to be. I wouldn't care if it was huge. I'm just happy to have it. It's pretty tiny and he managed to get it so low. Not like this mom body is going to be wearing any bikinis but I was very surprised how low it was.
From what Dr. Haney said, my ob will be using that incision for any further c-sections. I'm still sore and using pain meds. Not nearly as much as I was but I still need something once in a while. And well, percocet sleeps are the best sleeps ever!
I can't believe it felt like forever ago that we were counting down to when we could even call to see if we could have the surgery. Now it's done and over with. It went so well. We will never forget how life changing and awesome the trip was. We were on cloud 9 the entire time.
Now I'm crossing my fingers it doesn't take long to conceive. I do not miss that roller coaster of emotions and hope we don't have to go through all of that again. My heart goes out to the ladies that are still going through that. I will never forget what it feels like to watch everyone around you get pregnant and bring home their babies, while you are still waiting for your positive test.
From what Dr. Haney said, my ob will be using that incision for any further c-sections. I'm still sore and using pain meds. Not nearly as much as I was but I still need something once in a while. And well, percocet sleeps are the best sleeps ever!
I can't believe it felt like forever ago that we were counting down to when we could even call to see if we could have the surgery. Now it's done and over with. It went so well. We will never forget how life changing and awesome the trip was. We were on cloud 9 the entire time.
Now I'm crossing my fingers it doesn't take long to conceive. I do not miss that roller coaster of emotions and hope we don't have to go through all of that again. My heart goes out to the ladies that are still going through that. I will never forget what it feels like to watch everyone around you get pregnant and bring home their babies, while you are still waiting for your positive test.
Thursday, January 31, 2013
Just some thoughts
We're home now and I'm off of work recovering. I'm holding on to each word Dr. Haney said to us while we were in Chicago. I can't believe we did it. We traveled there, I went under and the tac is in. My incompetent cervix is healed. It's no longer and issue and now we can have children.
I've said it a million times but I wish I recorded everything he said. It was amazing. There was no doubt in his voice. Just very matter of fact. We'll have a child and life will keep going. I can't believe it. This long journey can finally be over. We've been in it for so long, I don't know how to not do it.
I'm still amazed that my ovaries are no longer poly-cystic, my tubes and uterus are great. I did not expect that at all. I'm hoping this happens quickly for us. I'm ready for this terrible journey to be over. I'm tired of being bitter about pregnancies and babies and all the baby crap that comes in the mail. I'm so over all of this.
I'm surprised at how easy surgery was. I was scared sick of going under and that was so easy and I woke up in recovery very quickly. I wasn't groggy and I was up and moving faster than they thought. I'd do this a million times over for the chance to bring home a baby. I'm an official tac sister.
I'm ready to buy baby stuff and get to do all the things we were supposed to do almost 6 years ago when Emerson came along. I'm so ready for the next chapter of our lives.
Hopefully getting pregnant is easier this time around. I can't imagine why it wouldn't be. I no longer have pcos and everything has been normal with me since I had Evelie.
This is such a weird feeling. This chapter is almost closed. I feel sad, confused, happy and excited all at once. We deserve this. We deserved it 6 years ago and we were robbed. Robbed many times. And we're on our way and I still can't believe it. There are no words for the emotions we feel. I have never seen my husband as happy as he was after he spoke with Dr. Haney. This was the best decision of our lives
I've said it a million times but I wish I recorded everything he said. It was amazing. There was no doubt in his voice. Just very matter of fact. We'll have a child and life will keep going. I can't believe it. This long journey can finally be over. We've been in it for so long, I don't know how to not do it.
I'm still amazed that my ovaries are no longer poly-cystic, my tubes and uterus are great. I did not expect that at all. I'm hoping this happens quickly for us. I'm ready for this terrible journey to be over. I'm tired of being bitter about pregnancies and babies and all the baby crap that comes in the mail. I'm so over all of this.
I'm surprised at how easy surgery was. I was scared sick of going under and that was so easy and I woke up in recovery very quickly. I wasn't groggy and I was up and moving faster than they thought. I'd do this a million times over for the chance to bring home a baby. I'm an official tac sister.
I'm ready to buy baby stuff and get to do all the things we were supposed to do almost 6 years ago when Emerson came along. I'm so ready for the next chapter of our lives.
Hopefully getting pregnant is easier this time around. I can't imagine why it wouldn't be. I no longer have pcos and everything has been normal with me since I had Evelie.
This is such a weird feeling. This chapter is almost closed. I feel sad, confused, happy and excited all at once. We deserve this. We deserved it 6 years ago and we were robbed. Robbed many times. And we're on our way and I still can't believe it. There are no words for the emotions we feel. I have never seen my husband as happy as he was after he spoke with Dr. Haney. This was the best decision of our lives
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Tac surgery
We arrived at the hospital at 6 am for my 7:30 am surgery. I was on the verge of tears all morning. Mostly worried about going under but this was emotional because we were only to this point because we lost children. They take your name, your spouse's name and cell number and then you wait in a waiting room with lots of other people that are there for different surgeries. Then once all of the surgery patients arrive, they take you all back to pre op together.
In a group they start putting you behind the little pre op curtains and going over your medical history. Then you get into your gown, slippers, the little cap thing and they start your IV. I cried multiple times behind the little curtain. They take your clothes in a bag and then you wait for the resident and surgeon to come in. They allow your husband to come back at this point. Finally, I wanted a familiar face and needed support.
Dr. Haney's resident stopped in. I think her name was Sam.She was the sweetest little Asian women, all smiles,super nice and very young. She had wonderful bed side manner and had to go through all the paper work with me. She said that a doctor there was asking 1000 women that were having gynecological surgeries if they'd participate in an ovarian cancer study. If I wanted to participate I would just donate a tiny piece of tissue that he would compare to ovarian cancer patients in order to help them figure out more about it. So I signed the papers to help with that. It didn't hurt me and didn't affect the surgery in any way, so I was all for it. She then crouched down to my level and said she had to ask the hard questions, the reasons why we were there and my pregnancy history. She was so careful when asking. I really loved her.
Then Dr. Haney stopped back there. He was dressed in a wool coat, with his scarf still on and all smiles. He congratulated the resident because he found out she won a huge award given to her by her peers for being the best resident/student in the whole university. He then shook our hands and then explained what he was going to do. He used my husband's hands as a visual. Explained that the tac was going to go high up. He put his hands around Derrick's imitating the band and then asked Derrick if he was able to open his hands, obviously he couldn't. That demonstrated what the tac does. You can't funnel to it and nothing is going anywhere. He spent a long time back there with us. Then before I knew it the anesthesia lady (another sweet women) came back to walk me down the hallway. She got me out of the little pre op curtain area and through the doors, there in the hallway I had to say good bye to my husband. I was shaking and starting bawling. I was nervous, scared and emotional. I missed my kids and wasn't ready to say good bye. She was so nice, carried my IV and into the OR we went. I got up on the table, she put something in my IV but I didn't notice a difference, didn't feel weird at all. Laid my arms out and she was asking how long I have been with my husband and how young we were when we met, then I felt a little spacey. Someone walked over and put a mask on my face and I was breathing in, then they asked me something about my husband and I remember answering them (still don't know what they asked or what I said to them lol) but I remember trying to talk with the mask on then I was out. They didn't even warn me, didn't tell me it was anesthesia. I thought it was oxygen, maybe it was. Who knows. I then woke up in recovery and didn't have my glasses on so I couldn't see a thing.
I remember waking up slowly and then wanting water really bad. I didn't say a word. During this time, Haney was speaking with my husband and telling him how surgery went. Apparently my ovaries are no longer polycystic. The doctor said 'her tubes, ovaries and uterus are gorgeous" yes, those are his words. Derrick was obviously very excited about that and explained to the doctor the changes I've made in my life and he said that must have fixed everything. He told him the surgery went great and my cervix was long and he was very happy with the placement of the cerclage. That in fact the only thing wrong with my cervix was that it was weak, and not short so that was great news. The tac cures the weakness of it and he is not worried at all about the length. He was very happy about that.
He told Derrick that when he was allowed back in recovery with me that I'd be very groggy. To his surprise I was very alert and wide awake. Apparently anesthesia agrees with me and I had no problems with it at all. The one thing I worried about and it ended up just fine. They wheeled me up to my room and I had already been pushing that morphine button. I loved the morphine. It didn't make me feel funny at all, just took the pain away.
I was up on some maternity ward, no sure what kind but they had baby stuff in my room and I heard babies crying etc. The nurses there weren't the greatest and I remember pushing my button for something and she didn't answer it for 2 hours. She never showed up until I pushed it again. Anyways I was kind of happy that they didn't come in often. As long as I was ok, I'd rather not be bothered. I had vitals checked by other people once in a while. Other than that we just hung out and I ate right away. Lots of fruit, yogurt, a smoothie, cottage cheese and a salad. I hadn't eaten since 7pm the night before and it was around noon at that point. I packed that food in :) I was surprised I wasn't feeling nauseous and the nurses seemed surprised by it too.
I dozed off here and there and then was so excited and on cloud 9 that I couldn't really sleep. We managed my pain and then ordered dinner later. At that point I felt a little sick because I was pushing my morphine a lot and tried to eat. Once I sat up I felt sick but if I laid down, I felt better. I kind of ate dinner laying down. We spent a lot of time going over all the positive things Dr. Haney told Derrick. He said I was better off than a normal pregnant person now. My cervix was stronger than the average person and I could work, exercise, bathe, and carry on like normal during pregnancy. We haven't been this happy in a long time.
I slept on and off through the night and woke up at 4am when they come in, take your morphine away and make you get up. I felt good. I got up and had some pain, but once I was up I felt much better. I asked if I could get dressed and then we walked the halls. It was difficult at first because I was so stiff. I hung out in the room waiting for Dr. Haney and his assistant to come by and discharge me. The sweet little women, his assistant came in and I was all dressed and up. When she noticed me, she almost fell over. Said I looked wonderful and has never seen a patient that had surgery less than 24 hrs, up and about. She was shocked. I was probably on a natural high still. She checked my incision and told us once again how happy Haney was with how it all went. She was very happy too and said she was very excited for us and our future. She couldn't have been more sweet, so caring and I seriously loved her.
We waited a little bit longer and Haney came in. He was completely taken back that I was up and about. Even told one of the nurses that he's never seen this before. I had no idea how insane it was, that I was up, I just felt good :) He said that's what happens when you are a young, healthy women, you just bounce back after surgery. He then went over everything that he had already told Derrick while I was in recovery. How great it went and how the next pregnancy we will bring home a baby. Even the nurse said how great this tac was and she has seen many women come through with it and have children now. I knew that, because I know women with it and researched it enough :) He spent a long time with us and then we got our photo with him. I am sure I'm missing some details and I wish I had time to sit down and do this right away but we were enjoying the happiness and the positivity from the days.
I just feel great. Lucky to have this opportunity and so happy we were able to get this done in January. I'm glad anesthesia went well and though the day was so emotional, it was so great too. He renewed my hope and we have no doubts the next pregnancy will be a success. I wish I recorded everything he told us, so that everyone could hear it. You'd be a believer too, if you spoke to this man. He has the stats and I wouldn't have gone to this length if I didn't have proof that he's the top doctor.
I am so happy that we did this. I'm literally just speechless and no words can explain the feelings we have right now. Just pure happiness and I can't wait to bring home a child.
In a group they start putting you behind the little pre op curtains and going over your medical history. Then you get into your gown, slippers, the little cap thing and they start your IV. I cried multiple times behind the little curtain. They take your clothes in a bag and then you wait for the resident and surgeon to come in. They allow your husband to come back at this point. Finally, I wanted a familiar face and needed support.
Dr. Haney's resident stopped in. I think her name was Sam.She was the sweetest little Asian women, all smiles,super nice and very young. She had wonderful bed side manner and had to go through all the paper work with me. She said that a doctor there was asking 1000 women that were having gynecological surgeries if they'd participate in an ovarian cancer study. If I wanted to participate I would just donate a tiny piece of tissue that he would compare to ovarian cancer patients in order to help them figure out more about it. So I signed the papers to help with that. It didn't hurt me and didn't affect the surgery in any way, so I was all for it. She then crouched down to my level and said she had to ask the hard questions, the reasons why we were there and my pregnancy history. She was so careful when asking. I really loved her.
Then Dr. Haney stopped back there. He was dressed in a wool coat, with his scarf still on and all smiles. He congratulated the resident because he found out she won a huge award given to her by her peers for being the best resident/student in the whole university. He then shook our hands and then explained what he was going to do. He used my husband's hands as a visual. Explained that the tac was going to go high up. He put his hands around Derrick's imitating the band and then asked Derrick if he was able to open his hands, obviously he couldn't. That demonstrated what the tac does. You can't funnel to it and nothing is going anywhere. He spent a long time back there with us. Then before I knew it the anesthesia lady (another sweet women) came back to walk me down the hallway. She got me out of the little pre op curtain area and through the doors, there in the hallway I had to say good bye to my husband. I was shaking and starting bawling. I was nervous, scared and emotional. I missed my kids and wasn't ready to say good bye. She was so nice, carried my IV and into the OR we went. I got up on the table, she put something in my IV but I didn't notice a difference, didn't feel weird at all. Laid my arms out and she was asking how long I have been with my husband and how young we were when we met, then I felt a little spacey. Someone walked over and put a mask on my face and I was breathing in, then they asked me something about my husband and I remember answering them (still don't know what they asked or what I said to them lol) but I remember trying to talk with the mask on then I was out. They didn't even warn me, didn't tell me it was anesthesia. I thought it was oxygen, maybe it was. Who knows. I then woke up in recovery and didn't have my glasses on so I couldn't see a thing.
I remember waking up slowly and then wanting water really bad. I didn't say a word. During this time, Haney was speaking with my husband and telling him how surgery went. Apparently my ovaries are no longer polycystic. The doctor said 'her tubes, ovaries and uterus are gorgeous" yes, those are his words. Derrick was obviously very excited about that and explained to the doctor the changes I've made in my life and he said that must have fixed everything. He told him the surgery went great and my cervix was long and he was very happy with the placement of the cerclage. That in fact the only thing wrong with my cervix was that it was weak, and not short so that was great news. The tac cures the weakness of it and he is not worried at all about the length. He was very happy about that.
He told Derrick that when he was allowed back in recovery with me that I'd be very groggy. To his surprise I was very alert and wide awake. Apparently anesthesia agrees with me and I had no problems with it at all. The one thing I worried about and it ended up just fine. They wheeled me up to my room and I had already been pushing that morphine button. I loved the morphine. It didn't make me feel funny at all, just took the pain away.
I was up on some maternity ward, no sure what kind but they had baby stuff in my room and I heard babies crying etc. The nurses there weren't the greatest and I remember pushing my button for something and she didn't answer it for 2 hours. She never showed up until I pushed it again. Anyways I was kind of happy that they didn't come in often. As long as I was ok, I'd rather not be bothered. I had vitals checked by other people once in a while. Other than that we just hung out and I ate right away. Lots of fruit, yogurt, a smoothie, cottage cheese and a salad. I hadn't eaten since 7pm the night before and it was around noon at that point. I packed that food in :) I was surprised I wasn't feeling nauseous and the nurses seemed surprised by it too.
I dozed off here and there and then was so excited and on cloud 9 that I couldn't really sleep. We managed my pain and then ordered dinner later. At that point I felt a little sick because I was pushing my morphine a lot and tried to eat. Once I sat up I felt sick but if I laid down, I felt better. I kind of ate dinner laying down. We spent a lot of time going over all the positive things Dr. Haney told Derrick. He said I was better off than a normal pregnant person now. My cervix was stronger than the average person and I could work, exercise, bathe, and carry on like normal during pregnancy. We haven't been this happy in a long time.
I slept on and off through the night and woke up at 4am when they come in, take your morphine away and make you get up. I felt good. I got up and had some pain, but once I was up I felt much better. I asked if I could get dressed and then we walked the halls. It was difficult at first because I was so stiff. I hung out in the room waiting for Dr. Haney and his assistant to come by and discharge me. The sweet little women, his assistant came in and I was all dressed and up. When she noticed me, she almost fell over. Said I looked wonderful and has never seen a patient that had surgery less than 24 hrs, up and about. She was shocked. I was probably on a natural high still. She checked my incision and told us once again how happy Haney was with how it all went. She was very happy too and said she was very excited for us and our future. She couldn't have been more sweet, so caring and I seriously loved her.
We waited a little bit longer and Haney came in. He was completely taken back that I was up and about. Even told one of the nurses that he's never seen this before. I had no idea how insane it was, that I was up, I just felt good :) He said that's what happens when you are a young, healthy women, you just bounce back after surgery. He then went over everything that he had already told Derrick while I was in recovery. How great it went and how the next pregnancy we will bring home a baby. Even the nurse said how great this tac was and she has seen many women come through with it and have children now. I knew that, because I know women with it and researched it enough :) He spent a long time with us and then we got our photo with him. I am sure I'm missing some details and I wish I had time to sit down and do this right away but we were enjoying the happiness and the positivity from the days.
I just feel great. Lucky to have this opportunity and so happy we were able to get this done in January. I'm glad anesthesia went well and though the day was so emotional, it was so great too. He renewed my hope and we have no doubts the next pregnancy will be a success. I wish I recorded everything he told us, so that everyone could hear it. You'd be a believer too, if you spoke to this man. He has the stats and I wouldn't have gone to this length if I didn't have proof that he's the top doctor.
I am so happy that we did this. I'm literally just speechless and no words can explain the feelings we have right now. Just pure happiness and I can't wait to bring home a child.
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
The days leading up
 | |
| Evelie's on top, Emerson's on bottom. Perfect little hands and feet |
I opened the ziploc bag that Emerson's pink blanket was in. Not expecting it to still smell like her. It's been 5 years. But it did and it sent my heart into shock. One sniff and I bawled. I miss her. I miss that smell. My mind will never forget it. I've had little phantom smells of it since the day she was born. I'll be doing something and breathe in and smell it. I'll breathe quickly again, hoping it's still there but then it's gone. It's happened at home, stores, work etc. I think it's my mind playing tricks on me. But I do love that I won't forget it. I would know that smell anywhere.
My nerves are getting the best of me. I've been too busy to worry about the tac actually working because I'm worried about going under and morphine. Worried I'll quit breathing and die. This is my very first surgery. I've never been under, never been cut open. So I'm a tad scared.
Today's blog entry sucks. I simply can't find words to explain the emotions happening in this household lately. They are all over the place.
Everything is confirmed, hotel reserved etc.
I'm excited about the great deal we got on the room. 510 sq ft king suite with a nice little living room area that has the tv and couch. I thought it would be nice for recovering. We have a fridge and microwave. I thought that would help cut food costs. We could save left overs or hit the grocery store instead of going out. I do want Giordano's pizza, vosges haut chocolate and portillo's Don't know if I spelled all that correctly. Hoping to ice skate downtown the night before surgery and I hope it's not too cold outside so we can enjoy the city a little.
I need to go find something to clear my head.
Friday, January 18, 2013
This past year we laughed, we cried, we fell in love, we got hurt, we got sad, we got happy, but more importantly, we lived our lives. This coming year, let us look forward to a brighter world. Let us hope for peace, prosperity and security in our lives. And so, these things said, let us move forward. Every year is a new beginning for us. Make new memories in our lives, as we leave the old memories in our hearts.
I've been thinking a lot especially with all of the stuff coming up. I was worried that we've been so busy the last 7 years, trying to bring home a baby that maybe we didn't do enough as a couple, just us. I've spent our entire marriage either pregnant or trying to get pregnant so we would stay home a lot. Thinking that I couldn't or shouldn't go out because I might be pregnant.
I worry about everything so I expected lots of emotions to be happening with the surgery getting closer. Sometimes I felt like we should have taken more time to enjoy just us. But, we knew I'd have problems just thought fertility would be the only issue, not losing children in the 2nd trimester. So we had to start early trying to have children.
Then I looked back at this year and minus the grief (obviously that is always and will always be with us) this couldn't have been a better year leading into what hopefully is the best year of our lives.
We started out by seeing the Red Hot Chili peppers, going to Frankenmuth, tubing more than once, Wheatland, Crane Wives, Cirque show, lots of dinner dates, traveling to Indiana for Thanksgiving and I'm sure I'm missing some things now that I'm sitting down trying to remember them. 2012 was a really good year (again I stress, minus the grief especially Evelie's 1st birthday)
I'm glad we did all those things. Glad it lead to this. Glad that the very first month of 2013 will be spent this way. I'm thankful for little things. Today I think I'm going to go through the girls' things. I want to touch them and smell their blankets. I miss them terribly and wish with all my heart that they were here and we knew nothing but happiness for the last 7 years. If I could fix it all, I would. Especially for my husband. I wish a different life for him. This month I'm hoping to bring happiness into our lives. A little ray of sunshine, and the rainbow after the storm.
It's really hard to put into words the things I'm feeling leading up to surgery day. Today more than anything I wish I could kiss my daughters' and hold them. Breathe in their smell and touch their faces. A baby will bring us all the happiness in the world but I know it won't fix things. I know that each time I do something for our living child, I'll be wishing I was able to do it with the girls. It will make me cherish each thing I do get to experience with our future children. I hope that where ever my girls are they know I fought very hard for them. Today I want to feel everything. I want to take in the grief, the nervousness of surgery and the hope for the future. I want to feel it all and cherish every part of it. The good and the bad. The happiness and all the pain. The steps we've taken in life brought us here and I don't want to skip any part of it. I don't want to forget my girls, their pregnancies and their births. I don't want to forget all the happy times we had or even all the bad. This is my life and no matter how much I may hate parts of it, I have to own it. It's mine, no one else's. And sometimes I wish things didn't happen, but they did. I have a choice to let it take me down or to continue. I choose to continue. Hoping that somewhere in the future we get the things we've dreamed of and not a single day of it will go by without carrying my daughters in my heart. Every single moment they'll be with me, in every beat. I will carry them with me.
Today I'm extremely emotional. I imagine it will get worse the closer we get. I enjoy my quiet moments where I get to think of the girls and I'm so ready for a noisy house. So ready to wake to a crying baby and stupid loud toys. I'm ready to stop being just us. Ready to be a family and so ready for all that comes with it. The stress, the sleepless nights, the worries and most of all the love and joy of watching a child grow up. Something I'll never take for granted. We were denied that privilege with the girls and I promise if we get the chance, I'll take in each moment and love it all.
I can't believe we're going. I can't believe we get this opportunity. Can't believe I got the January date that I so badly wanted. Can't believe this is happening. Besides the grief, 2012 was pretty good to us. It feels like a great way to move into 2013 and this surgery is the best way to start the new year.
I'm off to go pull the girls' stuff out and allow myself this time alone with their items. Their prints, their photos and to touch their hand and feet molds. Those are my babies. You never know how you'll feel about children. you can imagine but you have no idea until you hold them. I will never forget their births and their little features. The way Emerson moved her fingers when they laid her on me and the softness of Evelie's skin when the nurses put her on my chest, skin to skin. I still remember their smell. Their tiny gums and sweet little fingers. And then feeling our entire world crashing as we had to watch them take their last breath.
I realize now that we didn't waste time trying to get pregnant, never wasted a moment of our lives. I don't think we didn't get enough "us time". We did what we wanted to do, we wanted to have children and I'll never regret a moment of our lives. I'll never regret missing a party because I thought I was pregnant, never regret not drinking because there was a possibility. Those moments and all the things we chose not to do, brought me to my girls. I'll never regret spending the last 7 years trying to get pregnant, because nothing else that we would have filled our time with, is more important than what we did and what we will do. I am at peace with myself, if only for this moment. I will always feel the pain, always but it's up to me how I deal with it. Someday I hope I get to sit my children down and tell them about their sisters and then tell them all we went through to get them here, safe. I wish for a future with more happy days ahead. I wish for nothing more than that moment where Derrick can watch his baby being born and he will be crying tears of happiness, instead of excruciating pain. And I hope that moment is captured in a photograph so I can hold onto it forever.
I worry about everything so I expected lots of emotions to be happening with the surgery getting closer. Sometimes I felt like we should have taken more time to enjoy just us. But, we knew I'd have problems just thought fertility would be the only issue, not losing children in the 2nd trimester. So we had to start early trying to have children.
Then I looked back at this year and minus the grief (obviously that is always and will always be with us) this couldn't have been a better year leading into what hopefully is the best year of our lives.
We started out by seeing the Red Hot Chili peppers, going to Frankenmuth, tubing more than once, Wheatland, Crane Wives, Cirque show, lots of dinner dates, traveling to Indiana for Thanksgiving and I'm sure I'm missing some things now that I'm sitting down trying to remember them. 2012 was a really good year (again I stress, minus the grief especially Evelie's 1st birthday)
I'm glad we did all those things. Glad it lead to this. Glad that the very first month of 2013 will be spent this way. I'm thankful for little things. Today I think I'm going to go through the girls' things. I want to touch them and smell their blankets. I miss them terribly and wish with all my heart that they were here and we knew nothing but happiness for the last 7 years. If I could fix it all, I would. Especially for my husband. I wish a different life for him. This month I'm hoping to bring happiness into our lives. A little ray of sunshine, and the rainbow after the storm.
It's really hard to put into words the things I'm feeling leading up to surgery day. Today more than anything I wish I could kiss my daughters' and hold them. Breathe in their smell and touch their faces. A baby will bring us all the happiness in the world but I know it won't fix things. I know that each time I do something for our living child, I'll be wishing I was able to do it with the girls. It will make me cherish each thing I do get to experience with our future children. I hope that where ever my girls are they know I fought very hard for them. Today I want to feel everything. I want to take in the grief, the nervousness of surgery and the hope for the future. I want to feel it all and cherish every part of it. The good and the bad. The happiness and all the pain. The steps we've taken in life brought us here and I don't want to skip any part of it. I don't want to forget my girls, their pregnancies and their births. I don't want to forget all the happy times we had or even all the bad. This is my life and no matter how much I may hate parts of it, I have to own it. It's mine, no one else's. And sometimes I wish things didn't happen, but they did. I have a choice to let it take me down or to continue. I choose to continue. Hoping that somewhere in the future we get the things we've dreamed of and not a single day of it will go by without carrying my daughters in my heart. Every single moment they'll be with me, in every beat. I will carry them with me.
Today I'm extremely emotional. I imagine it will get worse the closer we get. I enjoy my quiet moments where I get to think of the girls and I'm so ready for a noisy house. So ready to wake to a crying baby and stupid loud toys. I'm ready to stop being just us. Ready to be a family and so ready for all that comes with it. The stress, the sleepless nights, the worries and most of all the love and joy of watching a child grow up. Something I'll never take for granted. We were denied that privilege with the girls and I promise if we get the chance, I'll take in each moment and love it all.
I can't believe we're going. I can't believe we get this opportunity. Can't believe I got the January date that I so badly wanted. Can't believe this is happening. Besides the grief, 2012 was pretty good to us. It feels like a great way to move into 2013 and this surgery is the best way to start the new year.
I'm off to go pull the girls' stuff out and allow myself this time alone with their items. Their prints, their photos and to touch their hand and feet molds. Those are my babies. You never know how you'll feel about children. you can imagine but you have no idea until you hold them. I will never forget their births and their little features. The way Emerson moved her fingers when they laid her on me and the softness of Evelie's skin when the nurses put her on my chest, skin to skin. I still remember their smell. Their tiny gums and sweet little fingers. And then feeling our entire world crashing as we had to watch them take their last breath.
I realize now that we didn't waste time trying to get pregnant, never wasted a moment of our lives. I don't think we didn't get enough "us time". We did what we wanted to do, we wanted to have children and I'll never regret a moment of our lives. I'll never regret missing a party because I thought I was pregnant, never regret not drinking because there was a possibility. Those moments and all the things we chose not to do, brought me to my girls. I'll never regret spending the last 7 years trying to get pregnant, because nothing else that we would have filled our time with, is more important than what we did and what we will do. I am at peace with myself, if only for this moment. I will always feel the pain, always but it's up to me how I deal with it. Someday I hope I get to sit my children down and tell them about their sisters and then tell them all we went through to get them here, safe. I wish for a future with more happy days ahead. I wish for nothing more than that moment where Derrick can watch his baby being born and he will be crying tears of happiness, instead of excruciating pain. And I hope that moment is captured in a photograph so I can hold onto it forever.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)