Dried up flowers

 I've noticed I have a problem lately. I don't know where it came from or how it started but its something I'm holding on to.  I have flowers at our home that were given to us by people at Evelie's funeral. Most are dried up and have been dead for a while. No matter how terrible they look, I can not and will not bring myself to throw them away. My heart just shatters at the mere thought of putting them in the garbage can to never see them again. I know this is weird, they're just flowers. I'm attached to them. I don't know where that feeling comes from or when or how it happened. I also have a pink rose that my parents gave us in the hospital when we got good news and the Doctors didn't think my water broke. It had a tiny card attached to it that said something along the lines of  "for hearing good news" or something close to that. It was my good news rose. When things went down hill I think someone removed the card and threw it away. To me it is still my good news rose, because at that moment all was right in the world. That rose has been dried up for so long but I will not remove it and throw it away. It seriously hurts my heart and I can't do it. I stood in the kitchen where all the flowers are and just wept as my husband held me. I had bought fresh new flowers that day and had no place to put them because of all the old ones. I would not move them to make room for the new. He held me as I cried in the kitchen and even asked if I wanted him to throw them away so I didn't have to do it. I said no, because its not just that I can't do it myself-its that I don't want it done at all. At least not yet.

I don't know if its because I somehow feel more connected to her with them in the house or because its the last thing left from the day we said our final goodbyes. And if I throw them away I have no physical reminders left. I seriously don't know how, or why or when this started but those flowers will not leave my house, I am not ready. I even took the beautiful fresh ones I bought and shoved them in an awkward area so that my dead ones wouldn't be bothered. All the flowers at their grave site from the funeral are still there because I feel the same. They are all dead and ugly but I can't bring myself to throw them away. The easel with the heart shape arrangement from the grandparents is still standing there at the grave. I will not remove it. I can't. There is some attachment to them, that was one of the only things they ever got to buy for her. I've pondered putting them in a plastic bag and keeping them. I don't know what I'd do with a bag of brown dried up flowers but the thought of them in a garbage bag somewhere else truly hurts my heart.  Is something wrong with me? Even flowers I've brought on each visit up there, I refuse to throw away. At some point I know I have to, but that point doesn't seem close yet. Its like I'm holding on to something and I'm not sure why. My little pink rose, I am especially attached to. I have never been so attached to flowers.  I guess I'll know when its time to throw them away but for now I'm not going to and I don't see it anytime soon in my future. I will allow myself to do this because it would hurt more to throw them away than it does for them to sit in my kitchen.

Weird or not, I'll do this my way and on my time. Tomorrow we plant a beautiful pink and purple garden in our front yard for both the girls. More flowers for me to have and something to take care of. I feel like it might be an emotional day tomorrow. I miss my girls.

But for now I'll keep my dried up flowers in the kitchen because they comfort me.