A Must read!!!

I couldn't have said it better.

Something I have dealt with for 5 years. There are a few people in my life (family and friends) who refuse to call me a mother and therefore NEVER EVER wished me a happy mother's day or said a single word to me on that day. Making me feel like they don't recognize me as a mother. Something that is very important to me. A mother is born at the very moment she is aware that there is life inside her. I loved my children more than I could ever explain. I gave birth to them, watched them live for such a short time and then watched them take their last breath as my husband held them. No it isn't a happy day, far from it. But when you don't say anything to a childless mother, you make her feel even more alienated than she already feels. The blog below is very well written please take a moment to read it and acknowledge those that are without their children. Just because our children are not here doesn't mean we suddenly are no longer mothers. you can't take away that strong bond that we formed with our children. And when they passed we don't suddenly lose that title.
http://cheynecurry.blogspot.com/2011/05/mothers-day-dilemma-childless-mothers.html

Ah, yes. But no matter what you do, that seed will grow to be a peach tree. You may wish for an apple or an orange, but you will get a peach

Derrick and I were out shopping today and found a peach tree. We both love the flowers on it so much that we'll be going back with the jeep and picking it up. It won't be in the girls' garden but it will be in the front yard next to their garden. It has the prettiest pink flowers on it and the thought of hopefully getting to someday walk out my front door and grab a peach, would be pretty awesome. So I found a picture of what the flowers looked like on the ones we found. Just thought I'd share this with you today.

And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. Anais Nin

I have a huge rant that I wanted to post but I'm just too tired to put my heart into it today so that will have to wait for another day. However, today we have the first little peek of the girls' tree blossoming. I'm hoping it holds off for a few days because I don't want the rain to make all the flowers fall off.  Derrick and I have been watching the tree and checking it multiple times a day, hoping we don't miss when it finally opens. We chose this tree because of the meaning I found :

Symbol of Humanity

• The blooming season of cherry blossoms are brief, resulting in instant beauty and immediate death of the flower. They, therefore, serve (within the Japanese culture) as reminders of humanity and mortality since, like cherry blossoms, a human being's life can end at any given moment. The human condition is epitomized through the cherry blossom, alerting people that life is too short to waste away and that people should live life to the fullest.

  
  

  
  

  I wanted a weeping one for obvious reasons. So we chose this tree and when I get my memorial tattoo for Evelie it will include cherry blossoms for the same reason. She was beautiful and we only had a short time with her. She is just like a cherry blossom. So beautiful and quickly fleeting from our lives.

  
  

  So today I want to share with you the first peek I got at their tree.

  
  

  

  
  

  

  
  

  

  

  
  

What not to say

I could honestly write a novel on the things you shouldn't say but because I'm lazy tonight and honestly don't want to bring up the feelings of all the hurtful (I'm sure most don't know they are hurtful) comments and relive them right now, I will post a link that I got from another mother.
 Click below for a short list of things you shouldn't say
 Things not to say

My other blog

the one with all the health, crafty and probably baking stuff :)  http://myhealthlyjourney.blogspot.com/2012/03/what-ive-been-up-to-lately.html Feel free to pass it along as I'm not on fb lately :)

Not much in it yet but I will post some stuff this weekend. Hope you all are enjoying this wonderful weather! I'm off to make blush and lip stain from beets!

And when I was born, I drew in the common air, and fell upon the earth, which is of like nature; and the first voice which I uttered was crying, as all others do.~Solomon Ibn Gabirol

       Last night was quite therapeutic for us. It came out of nowhere but was obviously much needed. My laptop got some virus thing and we ended up having to do a factory restart, hoping that we got everything on a flash drive and didn't lose any pictures. The only thing I was worried about was Evelie's pictures. Just to make sure I still have the cd the hospital gave us (I knew I wouldn't throw that away but needed to make sure I still had it) that meant I had to open her little rubbermaid tub and dig into her stuff. Something I haven't done since I packed it away. So Derrick got it out for me and we both ended up going through it. As soon as the lid came off, I lost it. The tiny little star hoodie she was supposed to wear was on top. Along with a cute pink outfit that says "I found my prince, his name is Daddy" I quickly threw those to the side with tears streaming down my face. Frantically looking for just a cd, trying to pass everything in there. IMPOSSIBLE to do. The blanket they wrapped her in right away, the presents given to us that she was supposed to use. Then at the bottom of the box, a wooden box filled with all her imprints and tiny pinks booties that grandma jessie had bought her. I had to check and make sure all her molds/imprints were still ok. Derrick opened the box and we just stared at it. This is what we have. a box filled will stuff, hospital bracelets, molds, tiny clothes, baby items that will never be used. I could see Derrick trying so hard to hold it back. His eyes filled and you can see the rims of them turning red. I sat there and just bawled. I opened the ziploc bag and tried to smell her blanket but through all the tears my nose couldn't smell a thing. I zipped it back up in fear I'd let her smell out. I found the c.d and quickly put all her items back.

We started talking through the tears and decided we should take a walk. We spent the whole hour talking about the girls and their births. Once we got home the conversation never ended. We sat on the couch and continued to talk. Then a question from Derrick threw me off and gave my heart some emotions I hadn't felt. He asked me......"when Evelie was born, did you hear her cry?" I didn't hear anything but I was also very much in shock and watching them move around me, getting Evelie wrapped up etc. I was everywhere and do not remember hearing or seeing her move when she was born. When he asked me that, my heart just dropped, like it have just been let go off the top of the tallest building. I didn't hear her cry, something I don't know if I'm sad I missed or if it would some how be harder (as if it would get any harder, I think we endured the hardest thing in life ever) He said he heard the tiniest cry, but thought maybe he was insane and wished he heard her. He was hoping I did and could confirm his thought. He described it as the tiniest cat noise ever, and then she moved her arm. My heart hurts, I never saw any movement in her arms. I just saw her little mouth move. I knew she was alive but she was so tiny I didn't want her to try to move in fear that she would be in pain. I witnessed Emerson's arm move when she was born and in a way wished that I witnessed Evelie do the same. I just wanted her to be comfortable and to do what didn't hurt her.

My heart didn't know how to process what Derrick was asking. My heart ached, I never heard her cry. I asked him if her tiny cry sounded like she was in pain and I held my breath hoping he'd answer it with exactly what I wanted to hear "no, it didn't sound like she was in any pain at all, it sounded like she was just talking" I told him that I was happy he had that moment with her. I'm happy that he noticed something that no one else did. He was hoping I answered it different and said that I heard it because he doesn't feel like his own ears are telling him the truth. He doubts himself about it since I didn't hear it. I explained that they were swarming around me and people asking me questions etc. that I didn't get to quietly focus on anything right away. Him, he was on the "sidelines" so he could notice all the things I couldn't. I always thought I was a few days further along that they thought but they would never listen. Derrick hearing her cry, breaks my heart. What if she was far enough to get the steroids, what if they could have saved her? Now I live with the "what ifs" I will spend my whole life beating myself up wondering why they didn't help her, what if I made them do something? would she be here? 

I wonder if hearing her cry would have made me jump out of that bed and shake the shit out of a doctor forcing them to save her (something I imagined doing anyways, tearing the iv's out and shaking them until they listened to me) would it break my heart to hear that, would it make this terrible situation worse (as if it really could ever get worse) or would I cherish that moment? I will never know. Her father carries that with him and I'm not sure how he feels about it. He mentioned that it tore his heart out but at the same time he heard a noise from her, something we never heard out of Emerson and something I guess you long to hear. I'm glad he has that moment, something just he shared with Evelie. Their moment, his memory. Today, I'm still processing that. I'm really not sure what to feel or think. If she was able to cry, her lungs had to be somewhat ok. Then the "what ifs" haunt me again. I would have laid my life out for my girls, I did everything I could. Fighting for them to leave the cerclage in knowing that was the only chance to get anymore days with her inside. Had they taken that, she wouldn't have made it the extra week and a half. I fought like hell for her and I would do it again in a heartbeat. That is what you do as a mother. You protect your child and I did, from day one! I love my girls more than anyone could ever know.

"The best thing a man can do for his children is to love their mother"

 I may not have it all but what I do have is absolutely wonderful!

This was left for me by my husband. First thing I got to see when I woke up :) He is an amazing man and he makes MY life worth living.

This is what I get to do....this is how we get to be parents

     Today will be spent proof reading the next draft of the headstone. We have the day off together and I'd like to try to keep it a good day. Something we always try to do, but never really succeed at. There is always something that will ruin the day. We'll try to go out to eat and we'll be sat next to a couple with an older daughter and a brand new baby. So we get to stare and what life should have been like. Or we'll have a good day and somehow the world will want to ruin it, so I've learned to not keep my cell with me when we're out trying to enjoy the day together and dodge the baby aisles in the stores (something we've become experts at). We cried in Target the other day, it wasn't that long ago that Derrick was pushing me in the wheel chair (I was allowed to walk (not much)but Doc said if it gave me piece of mind, a wheelchair was absolutely fine) and we were looking at all the baby girl stuff. Thinking about what we wanted. Such a happy time. 

However, today is already ruined. I have to keep looking at the draft for the stone, just to see if I've missed any errors on it that I hadn't noticed the first time. Sounds really fun doesn't it? Sounds like something a parent should have to go through? So awesome for us we get to do it for 2 girls. Obviously I'm being sarcastic because I am very angry. I'm very bitter and I'd like to punch something at the moment. But because I have to be normal and have to live up to what people think I should be doing or how I should be acting, I'll sit here quietly and every once in a while check the draft to see if I notice anything I didn't before. I haven't shown Derrick the 2nd draft yet. I didn't want to ruin his day today. Both of us don't get very many good days, so I guess I try to protect him sometimes. We're open with eachother so I know what bothers him and today I won't show him the draft. I'll try to salvage his day even if mine is already crap. We don't know how the hell we're going to survive this sometimes

The morning glory that blooms for an hour, differs not at heart from the giant pine that lives for a thousand years

     I miss my babies. My heart is hurting so bad lately. I have no other words to describe it. I talk a lot with my husband and I'm thankful for that. He is the only one who truly knows what our journey feels like. The last few nights I haven't slept much, I miss Evelie (I miss them both) I don't sleep, and I've been holding back tears at work. No real triggers, just the thought of the fact that I should be wanting to rush home to see her. To spend time with her, to have the dream I thought I was so close to. I wonder what my life would be like. I know a lot about pregnancy and lots about high risk stuff, but I know not a thing about parenting. We are having a rough time lately. At this moment, I don't want another baby. I want her. I know her, I love her. She used to kick while we listened to "pumped up kicks" on my phone that I'd lay on my belly. We listened to Adele and I'd sing to her while she kicked.  The time we had together while I was on bedrest, I could lay there all day and just take in each second I had with her. I fought hard as hell to keep her save. She was one hell of a fighter. She survived over a week with little to no fluid and survived the birth. She lived and breathed for 1hr 56 mins.  

 I think I've been in shock for the last 7 months. It is all soaking in lately. I think I had a bit of a protective layer up, sort of saving myself from the pain and now I can't push it away any longer. I can't sleep, I can't focus and I ache constantly. I just want to touch her again, just one more time. Just to touch her sweet cheeks. To touch her lips, that looked like mine. Her little nose that she got from her dad. To tell her I love her one more time, because the millions of times we said it weren't enough. I was laying in bed last night, trying so hard to sleep and I swear I could smell her. I remember so vividly what both my girls smelled like. Once in a while I get a tiny sniff of one of their smells. I keep smelling like I'm trying to keep it trapped in my nose, then it will disappear again.  Its getting harder and harder to hold things together. I'm just at a loss of how to express myself anymore. The pain is so intense it feels like my mind can't even think of a way to describe anything anymore. It hurts, it hurts so much. 

There is no pain in the world like this, I gave birth and had to watch them pass in my husband's arms. I don't know what to do with myself anymore, we don't know what to do with out lives anymore. Where do you go from here? How do you put one foot in front of the other and keep moving forward. I think I'm experiencing panic attacks lately. The other day at work I couldn't breathe, I wasn't doing anything out of the norm but my chest was heavy and I felt like I had to gasp for air. I didn't say anything because I didn't want to feel stupid so I walked around and tried to get some fresh air. Not drawing any attention to myself. I thought I'd have to have someone call 911. I kept taking deep breaths until it felt easier to breath. Finally I felt normal again. I could breathe and felt ok. I was scared because it happened out of nowhere. I just think I'm in shock and mentally and physically I can't handle it anymore. We often talk about going to see a counselor but what can they do that talking to eachother doesn't do. We talk it out often. We talk about everything and we just don't see what they can do for us right now. Eventually we will see one because we believe we both have ptsd and will need help with that. 

I don't want to be social anymore. We don't have friends without children and really don't know what to do with ourselves. We spend a lot of time together and I depend on him a lot.  I just don't know anymore. I thought I'd be ok, I've done this once. I know the steps of grief however, this time feels different, feels harder. I am angry at the world and feel robbed in so many ways.   

I would like to share a photo of her. Something I don't get to do very often. This is the sweet baby girl that used to be the ninja baby that kicked me all the time and I loved each kick so much. Her father loved getting to feel them, something he never got with Emerson.  She had her father's nose <3 How badly we wanted to see them both grow up