One of the ladies in a support group once told me that pregnancy after loss was not for the faint of heart. Now that I'm here. I believe every word of that. It definitely is not. Every twinge, every weird feeling, I feel like I'm going to lose my mind.
You feel like if you get too confident that life will be right there to take you down a notch. That you're not allowed to say "when we bring home this baby" instead you say "if we bring home this baby"
You have moments of excitement and confidence poke through but you're afraid that if you let them stay too long you'll jinx the baby.
You email your tac doctor just about every other day and realize how thankful you are for a man like him. To calm your fears and tell you everything will be fine. I know I didn't go to the top tac doctor for nothing.
I've had many meltdowns and cried myself to sleep because the anxiety of pregnancy after loss is so intense. Especially after losing 2 daughters. You feel like it will never happen for you. You stay as positive as you can, you talk about your baby with your husband because even if it's hard, you are so excited. You are very thorough in all areas of your pregnancy. You make sure you've got every thing you can possibly cover, covered.
I'm scared every moment of the day. I'm scared to go to sleep because my water broke with Evelie in the middle of the night. I'm so scared to reach the 20 week mark. I'm hoping we get there and then pass it.
I can't even express in words, the fear I have on a daily basis. I don't know how the women before me did this. I'm thankful for them, to have them cheering me on. Telling me that I'll be ok, that they felt this way too and now they are snuggling their newborn babies. I know this will be worth it. I wouldn't have fought so hard to get here if I didn't think that. It's just hard. Very, very hard. I'll be 20 weeks right around Christmas and I'm scared to death to travel anywhere. It's the busiest time of year and the scariest for us.
I don't know how I'm going to do this. Sometimes the fear is so overwhelming. I try to do one day at a time and sometimes I just try to sleep so I can't worry. Even though sleep is what I'm afraid of.
Some days it's just an hour at a time. My husband is so worried sometimes that he follows me around, especially outside the bathroom door and asks me a million times a day if every thing is ok. I love him. He takes on a lot of responsibility during my pregnancies. He cleans the entire house, vacuums, does the laundry and dishes and doesn't expect me to lift a finger. I do on the days I feel good and confident but on my iffy days, I don't do much of anything. Tonight he's making dinner and if it goes like normal he'll clean up too, without a word. He's such a wonderful man.
This will be the longest 6 months (hopefully) of my life. I just keep repeating, one day at a time, one day at a time. This baby will come home. I didn't travel to Chicago for the top doctor to place a cerclage that is almost a guarantee that I'll have a full term baby, for nothing. Meditation and mantras will get me through.
