I'm angry. Angry that I got married early on (and everyone "behind" me is on their 2nd or 3rd child), angry that my journey has been 6yrs long, had 6 losses, buried 2 children and now I'm 27 without any living children. Yet I watch everyone around me get what I so badly want. I feel like I'm being punished for waiting until we got married to start trying. I'm angry that we are most likely done ever thinking about having children. Don't mistake that for replacing my kids because another one could never replace them but when you're dying to mother a living child- its extremely hard to let that desire and dream go. I feel like time is ticking away, I am not getting any younger and frankly not sure if I can ever carry another child. I'm angry that if I ever did get pregnant again, we could never be excited about it because there will always be the fear that we'll lose them. I'm angry that if we ever got pregnant again I'd probably end up planning a funeral instead of a baby shower, something that we're obviously used to doing now. We never got to do that, instead we're "pros" at the funeral business and frankly that makes me so sick and angry. We do not deserve this.
I'm angry that our happiness was ripped away for the 2nd time. So much hope and thought for sure she was going to make it. I'm angry that I feel like they have no idea what's wrong with me, even though they say they do. I'm angry that sometimes people don't understand why we don't try again. You want to know why its hard to rush into it (no matter how badly I want to) its because I'm afraid that I'd lose another and I don't know where to bury them, don't know if I could survive a 3rd and frankly I'd probably want to move away to a city where no one would ever know our past. No one would look at me like I'm a baby killer because my body can't do what its supposed to. I'm angry that I can't give my husband children. Angry that I tried so hard and did everything perfectly and it still didn't work. I'm angry that I miss my kids and for the rest of my life there is a giant hole in my heart. I'm angry that this is the life I was handed.
I'm angry when people say "I hope that doesn't happen to me" it really hurts my feelings. I didn't want it to happen to me either. I also hate when people refer to my pregnancy with Evelie by saying "oh because you thought you were going to have that baby" No shit of course I thought I was going to have her. I don't like that phrasing. I was listening to a friend say how she's glad she didn't stop over while I was on bedrest to plan my shower because that would've been terrible. Also saying that we got a second car "because we thought we were going to have the baby" those words sting for some reason. Of course everyone thinks they're having their baby, why would you phrase it that way, making me feel stupid for ever thinking she'd come home and this would be it. This would be the happy time. I'm angry that I know when she was going to be born, because my cerclage was getting taken out November 28th. I'm angry that I have to watch my husband in pain, knowing that each pregnancy announcement and new baby stings him just as much as it does me. Recently we were in the video store and as soon as we walked in the clerk's friend came in with her brand new baby. We heard the clerk say " hurry up and get him out of his seat so I can love on him" Our hearts hurt so bad. She carried that baby around the store with her, even waiting on customers while holding him. We waited in the back of the store, hoping she'd put him down and they'd leave before we had to go up front to check out. I stood there telling my husband "it's ok, I can handle it". Even though I was lying.Then he spoke words that broke my heart "maybe you could, but I can't handle it." I know he hurts but when it hurts him so bad he vocalizes it, its a brand new kind of pain. He started to walk towards the front and she was still holding the baby. He told me to go to the car and I watched from outside as he tried to ignore the sweet child in her arms. He said she probably thought he was a dick because he wouldn't make eye contact with her or acknowledge there was anything in her arms. He said he never looked her way at all.
My heart hurt so bad during all of that. Knowing he has to deal with all the things I do. That hurts when you know you can't do anything to help. I'm angry that, that's how my husbands life is. That is how he has to live for the rest of his life. We're used to dodging babies, because of my infertility. We got used to hiding when babies were born or when we'd seen one headed our way in a store. Infertility does a lot of weird things to you, then add burying your only children to it and you're practically insane. Only infertile couple and baby loss couples will know what I'm speaking of. You do what you can. You're heart is ripped out multiple times on a daily basis. Simple tasks as getting the mail can burn you. I got a baby talk magazine in the mail today, how lovely :( Sometimes I'm ok, sometimes I have good days and I can be around babies but sometimes I just want to hide from them. Its bad when we see a 4yr old girl with a little sister. Something we'll never experience. Its hard when I see dad's with their daughters or pictures of them. A picture I'll never get to take of my husband. I'll never watch him walk them down the aisle to get married, no father daughter dance. No first day of school, no screaming baby at 3am and no chance to ever dry their tears. They never came home, never laid in a crib at our house and never had a painted nursery. This is too hard. Life moves forward for everyone, time heals them. For us there will always be reminders for the rest of our lives. I'm bitter that at the age of 22, I had to know what it was like to watch your child die. That at the early age of 22 I'd live the rest of my life with a hole and someone always missing from all we do for the rest of our lives. Its a black cloud for ever until I die. If i live to be 62 years old, that is 40 years of living with hell and a huge hole in our hearts. 2 people always missing, 40 years worth of that. Its overwhelming. I'm pissed, I'm jealous, angry and envious of everyone that has what we want. I hate that I'm infertile, hate that my body doesn't work and I hate that my husband has to deal with all of this because my body is crap. I hate the holidays now and I hate watching people experience what we should be or should have already experienced. I'm bitter and pissed off tonight.
