It's the moments when the day quiets down, when you've done all you can to keep yourself busy throughout the day and there isn't anything left to keep your mind busy...that's when the terrible nightmare creeps back. When reality hits and you can't do anything else to escape it, that's when the pain creeps in and takes over. You realize that it isn't a dream you'll wake up from, your children are gone. I sat with my husband watching tv tonight. Our normal funny Thursday night shows, when I broke down in tears in the middle. I realized right then how much I missed Evelie's kicks, how much I missed grabbing the fetal heartbeat doppler and checking her beats per minute whenever I wanted and hearing the most beautiful sound of her strong heart beating away. Something I will never hear again. I miss her. I miss her more than words could ever possibly express. She was the light at the end of the tunnel, the rainbow after the storm. The happiness we both needed after such tragedy. She was hope, hope that I never thought I'd ever have again. She gave me the ability to look at baby items without my heart sinking. She gave me love, that love that her sister gave me. The love only a mother knows. And it's all gone now. The nights are the worst and my husband says they are for him too. It's because you can't keep yourself busy anymore, you have to unwind to get ready for bed and there isn't any pushing it away anymore.
I hate the night, I hate going to bed. The bed I laid in so happily, months ago with a baby in my belly knowing I was laying there to keep her as safe as possible. I can't even put it into words tonight. I don't have the strength to write anymore. I miss them more than anyone will ever know
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