“Let every man shovel out his own snow, and the whole city will be passable," said Gamache. Seeing Beauvoir's puzzled expression he added, "Emerson." "Lake and Palmer?"..... "Ralph and Waldo.”

Today was a rough day, and I say "today" as if it isn't every day. It is, it's every single day since we lost Emerson. However, some are just far worse than others. Today, is one of the rougher days. On my way to fill my face with a greasy burger from Wendy's, I was admiring the snow covered trees.   I have always loved the beauty in nature. Since (2007) I have been a grieving mother and those beautiful images are always tainted with something that is missing.  People think pregnancies and babies and 4 year old little girls are the only triggers in my life. That is false. Anything in this world is a trigger and there are a million of them a day. I snapped a few photos as I was driving and I will tell you what they trigger for me.

I see this image as I would years ago, before my kids. I still notice the beauty in it but now it triggers further thoughts. As I was driving I realized that I should have a tiny baby tucked away in her car seat. Her sister next to her, just gabbing away. Emerson would be turning 5 in April. She would've been spunky. And as I see the beautiful snow outside, I realize she would be asking "mom, when we get home will you play with me in the snow?" How I would give anything to have that. No matter how tired or worn out I would've been. I would've played outside with her forever. We would've done anything she wanted. That's what that photo triggered for me. I don't need just babies, or pregnant women to trigger things (although they do trigger emotions sometimes) it's a simple snow resting lightly on the trees. A drive alone. Realizing what my life should have been. Realizing that it will never be that. Those things will never happen in our lives. I had tears streaming so bad that I had to pull over for a second in fear I'd get in an accident.

A grieving mother never forgets. The triggers never end. I will always know what my life should have been and each time that happens, I'll wait for the day dream to end and the world to crash down on me again. It's looking into our empty guest bedroom. What would have been Evelie's room. How I miss laying with Derrick and planning what we were going to do in there. The colors, the crib, her changing table. It's all of our friends having children and we're the only ones left without any. It's getting up at 3 am for work and not because there is a crying baby here. It's turning 27 and realizing when I was younger, I had other thoughts on what my life would be by now. It's the dogs begging to go outside when it should be my kids. It's anything and everything. It happens every second of everyday. It has for the last 4 almost 5 years. This isn't how it should be, for me or anyone else. I should see the beautiful snow, and I should be happy with my two girls. How close we were to a perfect life. Realizing now how very far away we are from it and the fact that perfect will never be. Happiness and perfect are words we don't have in our vocabulary for explaining anything in our lives. We hate our lives. 

So what does someone who has never lost anyone see in that photo? I wish I knew what that felt like. I wish I was ignorant to this pain and this life. I wish I was on the other side. I wish this wasn't our life. So as my husband is at work and I'm at home alone, I will sit in my big picture window and watch the light snow fall. I will day dream about what life would have been. Even though it hurts to do so, that is all I have. I will picture what Emerson would be saying or doing and what Evelie would need at this very moment. I will picture just the 3 of us snuggling on the couch. I see myself holding Evelie as Eme lays her head on my arm and tells me some elaborate story she's made up. She'd probably be holding her skunk with the pink mohawk that we bought her when I was 14 weeks pregnant with her. She'd probably kiss her sister or ask to hold her. I'd make us some crazy kind of hot cocoa to drink while we watch the snow. Then after a while. I'd put them to bed and Eme would tell me how excited she is to have the whole day with her daddy tomorrow. That's when the day dreams get too hard. That's where it has to stop at least for tonight. My heart can't handle thinking of my husband and what they would do, how he would rush home to be with them. That's where this has to stop. 

Just another lonely night

Sadly, I have many of them. Too many. Sometimes I'll just be browsing facebook and someone will post a music video that will trigger feelings. Lately it's been rough, well not just lately it's never really let up.  I am thankful for my husband, to have someone who knows what this feels like. Who shares with me his pain, the things that hurt him. I obviously, with every fiber of my being, wish that he never had a clue what this felt like. I wish this never happened to him. I can take care of me, no matter how bad it gets. When you have the person you love with all your heart, hurting its just too much. It hurts me deep down in my soul to know he dislikes his life. Often telling me he is just hanging out until this life is done. I understand him. I do, and you can't unless you've been in our shoes exactly. Taken every step we have, only then will you know exactly what I'm speaking about. We started trying for a child a year after we were married. Miraculously got pregnant 6 months later. Only to lose our 1st child at 20 weeks pregnant. Tried continuously for 4 years only to suffer 4 early miscarriages. Then in May of 2011 we decided our souls had, had enough. We thought it would never happen and we were watching our young lives pass by. We didn't know ourselves anymore. We knew fertility, pregnancy and loss. Nothing more. So we said no more trying, if it happens, great. If not, we'll deal with this one step at a time. Little did we know I was already pregnant. The month before I had thrown out my basal body thermometer, stopped tracking my cycles on the computer, stopped taking pregnancy tests so early and just lived. I had never had so much fun in my life before. I forgot what it was like to be me, before trying to have a child. For the first time in 6 years, I just let go. I hadn't even noticed any symptoms because I was too busy being me, and having fun. So when I realized I was ridiculously late, not thinking I was pregnant but had to make sure. I took a test. Never expecting anything to show up, why would it we're 2 of the unluckiest people in the world. But there is was, as soon as the urine hit the first line it was as bright as can be and the test wasn't even close to being finished. I was pregnant, very pregnant. Everything in the world was right. But we knew this one could end like all the rest of them. So they tested my hcg levels every 48 hours and they were so high and doubling like a healthy pregnancy should. Well we know how this story ends. We lost her at 21.5 weeks. So not a single person know what this feels like unless you've had our shoes on, step for step.   

 I hurt for me, I hurt for my family and most of all I hurt for my husband. I hate to see the look in his eye when I catch him glancing at a baby girl that we've stumbled upon in public. He doesn't know I catch him more than he thinks. The sad look in his eyes just cripples me. It is so very hard to explain. I feel his pain, those things hurt me too but seeing him hurt is so hard to deal with. This time around he has been very open about his pain. Which is great but hurts at the same time. He deserves the life he should have had. He is an amazing father and he deserves to have a living, healthy child. Something I couldn't do for him.  His birthday was on the 7th and the end of December he told me that he has dates that he has been dreading like I had dates. I dreaded Nov 28th, the day my cerclage was going to come out and she was probably going to be born. Her due date Jan 1st. He said the November date didn't bother him, because he didn't think she was going to come in November. He hated Christmas and Jan 1st through the 7th. Because the 1st was her due date and the 7th was the original due date until they realized I was further along than I thought. He hated that because between the 1st and the 7th she would have been here any time in that frame. He told me how this birthday was the worst birthday he's ever had. how he hated Jan. We had some very dark moments, moments I'm embarrassed to admit that we even talked about. Burying your children takes you to a dark spot. You no longer care about anything in the world. Its the point when you realize that you peaked at your happiness at a young age and you will never feel that way again. Nothing will make you as happy as you once were.

  

And you will never achieve that happiness again. We are here just hanging out until it's all over. At the age of 27 and 29 our lives are pretty much over. Nothing to look forward to. And an empty house that never had the pitter patter of children's feet. It's a very hard thing to swallow. You feel like less of a women, less of a wife and the talk of the town.  You get things thrown in your face, many people who think they're better than you. People who offer you their uterus as if that will make everything better. People that offer you their children as a joke. Life sucks and as much as I like that my husband is so open and tells me his pain. Sometimes in a selfish way, I wish he wouldn't. Just because knowing how much he hurts tears me apart and is too much to handle. He deserves everything and I can't even put a word on the feeling I have, that I couldn't do that for him. I feel responsible, I feel broken and I'm tired of people pointing out that I can't do it. I feel defeated. My husband hates his life and I feel at fault. Listening to him tell me he hates his life, even though I know the feeling, I somehow feel like it's my fault. Had he married someone else, he would have it all. He would have what he deserves.  He's such an amazing man and he loves his daughters with all of himself. He was so ready, so ready to have his daughters Dirty diapers and all. He was so excited and he hates his life now.  He's so young and he hates it, he hates that nothing makes him happy. He hates watching everyone have what he once had but never got to keep. My heart breaks for him. I obviously know the feelings but it's different when you go through it yourself compared to hearing your husband go through it. 

 These lonely nights are painful. I'm left to worry about him, left to worry about the future. Left knowing that we will never have children. Left alone knowing that he never wants to love anything again, in fear that he will lose it. In his eyes if you don't love anything, it can't be taken from you. His reasoning for never trying again.  Because at some point, we could bring home a full term healthy child, but he's scared as they age someday an accident will happen and we'll have to bury a third child and feel these feelings again. I get his way of thinking, I really do and it kills me to know he feels this. That our dream is over at such a young age. We should be the parents of an almost 5 year old child and a new baby. But we're not. we're that childless couple that tried so hard but couldn't do it. We're the couple that gets asked how many years we've been married, then followed with "married 6 years and no children?" yes, thank you for adding salt to the wound. 6 years of being married, pregnant within the year after you got married and no living children. Thank you for pointing out how terrible that sounds, as if we didn't know.

 Lonely nights, I hate you. I hate every night. I hate every day. I hate every moment. I hate every second. and I'm angry that we will never be as happy as we once were. At our age, we know our happiness is over and we're just hanging out until this life is done. I'm angry that this is how it is.