“Let every man shovel out his own snow, and the whole city will be passable," said Gamache. Seeing Beauvoir's puzzled expression he added, "Emerson." "Lake and Palmer?"..... "Ralph and Waldo.”

Today was a rough day, and I say "today" as if it isn't every day. It is, it's every single day since we lost Emerson. However, some are just far worse than others. Today, is one of the rougher days. On my way to fill my face with a greasy burger from Wendy's, I was admiring the snow covered trees.   I have always loved the beauty in nature. Since (2007) I have been a grieving mother and those beautiful images are always tainted with something that is missing.  People think pregnancies and babies and 4 year old little girls are the only triggers in my life. That is false. Anything in this world is a trigger and there are a million of them a day. I snapped a few photos as I was driving and I will tell you what they trigger for me.

I see this image as I would years ago, before my kids. I still notice the beauty in it but now it triggers further thoughts. As I was driving I realized that I should have a tiny baby tucked away in her car seat. Her sister next to her, just gabbing away. Emerson would be turning 5 in April. She would've been spunky. And as I see the beautiful snow outside, I realize she would be asking "mom, when we get home will you play with me in the snow?" How I would give anything to have that. No matter how tired or worn out I would've been. I would've played outside with her forever. We would've done anything she wanted. That's what that photo triggered for me. I don't need just babies, or pregnant women to trigger things (although they do trigger emotions sometimes) it's a simple snow resting lightly on the trees. A drive alone. Realizing what my life should have been. Realizing that it will never be that. Those things will never happen in our lives. I had tears streaming so bad that I had to pull over for a second in fear I'd get in an accident.

A grieving mother never forgets. The triggers never end. I will always know what my life should have been and each time that happens, I'll wait for the day dream to end and the world to crash down on me again. It's looking into our empty guest bedroom. What would have been Evelie's room. How I miss laying with Derrick and planning what we were going to do in there. The colors, the crib, her changing table. It's all of our friends having children and we're the only ones left without any. It's getting up at 3 am for work and not because there is a crying baby here. It's turning 27 and realizing when I was younger, I had other thoughts on what my life would be by now. It's the dogs begging to go outside when it should be my kids. It's anything and everything. It happens every second of everyday. It has for the last 4 almost 5 years. This isn't how it should be, for me or anyone else. I should see the beautiful snow, and I should be happy with my two girls. How close we were to a perfect life. Realizing now how very far away we are from it and the fact that perfect will never be. Happiness and perfect are words we don't have in our vocabulary for explaining anything in our lives. We hate our lives. 

So what does someone who has never lost anyone see in that photo? I wish I knew what that felt like. I wish I was ignorant to this pain and this life. I wish I was on the other side. I wish this wasn't our life. So as my husband is at work and I'm at home alone, I will sit in my big picture window and watch the light snow fall. I will day dream about what life would have been. Even though it hurts to do so, that is all I have. I will picture what Emerson would be saying or doing and what Evelie would need at this very moment. I will picture just the 3 of us snuggling on the couch. I see myself holding Evelie as Eme lays her head on my arm and tells me some elaborate story she's made up. She'd probably be holding her skunk with the pink mohawk that we bought her when I was 14 weeks pregnant with her. She'd probably kiss her sister or ask to hold her. I'd make us some crazy kind of hot cocoa to drink while we watch the snow. Then after a while. I'd put them to bed and Eme would tell me how excited she is to have the whole day with her daddy tomorrow. That's when the day dreams get too hard. That's where it has to stop at least for tonight. My heart can't handle thinking of my husband and what they would do, how he would rush home to be with them. That's where this has to stop.