I don't write much anymore. Sometimes I have lots of stuff to say but no ambition to sit and get it out. Sometimes it's the writing it out that hurts so I just don't do it. We're getting closer to what would have been Evelie's 1st birthday. I don't really think about it much. I don't want to. Had one decision been made, she would be here and I hold a painful grudge against my perinatologists for that. Something I have to learn how to cope with for the rest of my life.
However, today I feel strong. I am filled with ridiculous amounts of hope. Of hope for a happy future. Although it will always be lined with pain. I am trying my hardest to handle things the way I would, if I got to watch my daughters grow up. Handle things the way I would want them to watch me do. I am in control of my life and no matter how much I feel like people rub things in my face or no matter how painful life is, I will make my life the way I want it. It will not end here.
I am so grateful for my husband. He has given me my hope back, the little glimmer of happiness. It's like I see a twinkle at the end of this extremely long tunnel. The pain we have endured is excruciating and even with days passing, the pain won't stop. It just gets manageable. We have an extremely intimate relationship. Going through what we have has put us on a level of closeness that I never imagined possible. I wouldn't want that with anyone else.
I am excited (to say the least) of what the future holds for us. We have been busy with things, goals that we need to hit. I'm glad for the things we've been doing. They keep me busy and get us one step closer to our happiness. We've made a very important step, one of many. The next 6 months, I'm hoping they pass quickly. I'm ready to get back to living. Get back to happiness and begin a new chapter. I have met with people, talked with one over the phone. One that has made a huge impact on my life. I owe him for giving my husband and I hope. Something that sounds so tiny, just hope, has a very large impact on your soul when you feel like your life is pure crap. I don't know how I could ever thank him. I know I'm being vague, and I apologize for that. I just don't wish to share everything because of negative comments. We don't need them and I won't live that way. We know what our future holds, we've educated ourselves and sadly lots of people just don't understand. That's ok, I don't need them too, I don't need anything from anyone. I have my husband and I've spent many hours of research, phone calls etc. I am very aware of what is going on.
I remember a statement my father said to me. He said "You have always gone out and got what you wanted. You wanted to move out, you did. You wanted to get married, you put it all together and did. Anything you've ever wanted you've worked at and accomplished. You are independent." I never thought of myself like that. But I'm trying to live up to that. I have a goal in my sight, and I will get it.
My biggest accomplishment isn't far from my grasp. I have studied and educated myself hours on end and was complimented by an extremely intelligent individual who told me "I've never met a patient so educated about these topics" It's my life. I do not go into something without trying to learn everything I possibly can about it. I do not live with a condition that I know nothing about. I live with a condition that I know lots about. I am my own advocate. I never stop trying to learn. Today I am filled with a tiny bit of happiness and a gigantic amount of hope. And the best thing about it, my husband feels the same way. We are in this together. I am excited for our future. I am about to put my mind, body and soul through hell. Especially my body. Nothing physical will ever hurt as much as watching your husband hold your children as they take their last breath and gasp for air that can't fill their lungs. Nothing physical could ever inflict the pain that those images inflict on my heart and soul. I can do this. I will do this. This is nothing compared to what we've been through. And at the end of the day, I will know this is worth it. Today I feel strong, empowered and not a single person can take that from me. My children have changed me and although the way it happened isn't at all what I wished for, I live for them. They have made me a better person. Our experience has taught me to love deeper and when you feel happy, you feel it on a completely new level. When I feel an emotion, I feel it so much deeper than I did before my kids. My eyes have been opened. This quote is the easiest way to explain it "He who has felt the deepest grief is best able to experience supreme happiness" Now obviously I am not happy that what happened, happened. However, I know I feel in a way that some won't ever feel.
"We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each
experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must
do that which we think we cannot."
Eleanor Roosevelt.
I'm going to do something I thought I never could. It won't fix the pain from the past but I will go forward with that pain. I will carry it with me every day of my life. I will learn to love a deeper love and be thankful for things others take for granted. I will soak in each moment and learn to love life again.
“to love life, to love it even
when you have no stomach for it
and everything you've held dear
crumbles like burnt paper in your hands,
your throat filled with the silt of it.
When grief sits with you, its tropical heat
thickening the air, heavy as water
more fit for gills than lungs;
when grief weights you like your own flesh
only more of it, an obesity of grief,
you think, How can a body withstand this?
Then you hold life like a face
between your palms, a plain face,
no charming smile, no violet eyes,
and you say, yes, I will take you
I will love you, again.”
―
Ellen Bass
