“There’s no secret to balance. You just have to feel the waves”

   There will always be waves of grief. There has been for 5 years, now there is 2 reasons for the waves. Feels like it's all the time. I get a couple "good" days and then the waves. I can feel them coming, but you really can't do anything to stop them. No matter our plans for the future, these waves will be there and it's my little moment where I miss my daughters so much, and its that moment where it creeps into my heart. I do great at keeping it out for a long time, because it's really too much to handle. I saw a little girl wearing a onesie that I registered for. Evelie should be wearing that. She should be here.

It's watching a young dad with a baby the age of Evelie, pushing the shopping cart talking to her. That should be my husband. It isn't and never was. He never got that. I'm angry he hasn't. I'm angry that people don't think he hurts. They talk to him when they don't want to tell my announcements. As if he doesn't feel this pain. He was very involved, never missed an appointment of mine, never missed anything. Once he could feel Evelie move, his hand was constantly on my belly.

Today is a wave, a big one. One I don't want to allow in, it hurts too much. What I would give to hold them one more time. What I really want is to keep them, to have them here and watch them grow. I know that wish will never come true. I've wished it everyday for the last 5 years. Here we are dreading Evelie's first birthday. This last year has been hell, and it wasn't supposed to be. It was supposed to be the best year of our lives. Again. I still can't believe we are doing this again. A double headstone of our only children. Something is extremely wrong with that. I'm angry. I watch people disappear. When I play the happy, positive card they are everywhere but when you put something out there that isn't positive, that's real it's like they hide. They don't know what to say or do. They run and I'm not sure why.

Today's just a bad day. I have a long list of things to check off before we can start towards our goal. It won't fix our past and I hate that we have this past. I'm just trying to find us both happiness. Something to live for again, something to smile about.