I don't even know where to start. My heart is so full. We had our first baby shower on the 15th. It was beautiful. A room filled with love. The perfect mixture of celebrating Emeric and remembering the girls. Gifts that included them, just so precious. My heart was beyond happy. We had a table with candles burning in memory of the girls, my way of having them there. I could not have asked for a better day.
Yesterday I stood in front of the washer watching his little cloth diapers spinning around. Tears running down my face. Something so small, something I had thought about for years was finally happening. I'm washing diapers and tiny baby clothes. I never thought we'd get to. I thought life was how it was going to be. We wouldn't have a child. We'd never see my belly get big, we'd never have a car seat in the car, but we do. We have a room filled with things just for him. A crib waiting. There's a baby coming. A full term baby. 8 years waiting for this moment, waiting to see diapers in the washer. Clothes in the closet and a car seat in the car. Finally. Finally. It is happening. There is no way to explain what this feels like. My heart feels like it's going to burst. The one thing we've fought for, for the last 8 years is coming true.
There are sad moments that poke through. The moments where I dream of the girls being here and getting to meet their brother. Being included in his arrival and helping us with his things. Those moments happen often. I let them because there won't be a moment in my life where I don't think of them. I am a mother of 3, even though you can't see all of them. My heart will always carry them.
I'm ready. So ready to rock Emeric to sleep. Hold him, soak in each little feature of his face. Just as I did with his sisters. This time it will be different. I won't be looking at him and soaking it up because I know I have to give him back. I'll be soaking it up because I can't believe he's ours, he gets to come home with us and for once we'll watch a child grow up in our home. I'll miss his features because they'll change, not because that's the last time I'll ever see him.
I've spent time in his room. Just standing there. Enjoying that it's no longer a guest room, it's HIS room. Life is going to change and for the better this time. I don't think he'll ever understand how special he is to us. It took a lot to get here and he's already bringing so much joy and happiness into our lives.
I get so choked up just thinking about the moment he fills his lungs with air and lets that cry out. Oh, that loud special cry. I have hoped for that cry for so long.
Emeric, we've waited for you for so long. Tried so hard to get you here. I've dreamt of you for years and you're finally on your way. You're special to us, more than you will ever know. Every thing I ever did in my life was to get to this moment. I knew I was meant to be a mother when I was very young. It hasn't been an easy road, by any means...but you are worth it. Your dad and I haven't been this happy in a long time. I promise to do my best, to surround you with love and let you grow into the person you are meant to be. No matter what you do or where you go in life, I'll be there.Supporting every move you make. I'll love you forever.
It's been so tough figuring out how to put these feelings into words. 8 years of waiting for this, I just can't tell you what this feels like. There are no words. I'm thankful for every person that's been with us during this journey. I can't tell you all how much I love you and appreciate you. I could not have pushed through this without you. That support was needed more than you could ever possibly know. Life was really hard and sometimes I needed someone to keep me afloat, most of you have no idea how many times you've kept me going. I thank you for that.
Now we anxiously wait for Emeric to arrive and our dream to come true
No comments:
Post a Comment