Well the day started out with me being a ball of nerves. I have never ever in my life had any surgery, and had no clue what to expect. Long story short the actual spinal was nothing to be scared of. I had a wonderful anesthesiologist, she got the stuff in right away and explained everything she was going to do. I immediately felt my legs getting warm and then lost feeling in them. Such a weird experience. I could feel them touching my legs as they put them in stirrups, they felt like they were a 1,000 lbs. I couldn't help them put them in because I couldn't control anything. They put the sheet over my head so I couldn't look down and Lord knows I wouldn't look anyways. I could feel the doctor touching my legs and in that area but never felt any pain at all.
The actual surgery wasn't very long at all. Spectrum has this really cool thing where they have a monitor in the waiting room that assigns me a number and Derrick could see the progress of my surgery. Not really watch the surgery but it would tell them if I was in the OR, then when the Dr. started the surgery, then when I was moved to recovery. He knew every step as they were doing it. Well she finished up the surgery and comes the scary part. She came to my side of the sheet and said I made a good choice asking for the surgery. Apparently at just 14 weeks I was already dilated to 1 cm. I don't know what that means for our chances of bringing this baby home and she couldn't really answer anything but kept saying it was good I was there today and this was being done. It showed her that in fact I do have a weak incompetent cervix and not pre term labor problems. I just wanted someone to tell me this baby will be ok. She said it was good because my cervix was long and thick and no funneling. She was able to get the stitch up really nice and high. There is positives to this but I always focus on the scary negative stuff.
I am just happy that the day I was at the high risk Dr. and he asked "at the end of the day if something happened would you feel you did all you could" I will never forget my answer to him. That was when I replied " I will never feel like I did all I could unless I get the cerclage." Those words will forever be in my head. I asked and elected this for myself and I could have never been more right. I NEEDED THIS! I did exactly what I was supposed to do. I am determined to protect my baby, just as I was with Emerson. I never ever in my life thought pregnancy would be so difficult. I am envious of all those that get normal easy pregnancies. I have no idea what that feels like. I worry everyday that this will be the last day I will be pregnant and that this baby won't come home. From all my losses my brain is just trained that way. The surgery scared me and now I'm worried again. We are not guaranteed anything ever!
I am in the best spot I could be in, I was in the OR exactly when I needed to be. I am proud of myself for making the choice I did when the high risk Dr. just wanted to watch me without a cerclage. My heart sinks when I think of what would happen had I did that. It would have been too late, it could've meant I would've lost this one too. Instead I made them do it, made them stitch me and I needed it. I needed this and I did this for myself, I made this choice and I have a better chance for my baby. It is so true when people tell you that you have to be your own advocate.
The nurse taking care of me just happened to transfer to that floor from neonatal so she was answering all questions for me with the knowledge I needed. That happened for a reason I think. For her to be in my room on that day just transferred, was a blessing. I am thankful she was there to tell me that 1cm was like nothing and now with the stitch in, its not there. That I did exactly what I should have. That hospital was amazing.
The spinal took forever to wear off. I could feel my right leg but my left was paralyzed forever. Then I could feel both legs but not my butt so I couldn't pee and you have to pee before they will release you. I believe I was there until 7pm. So 10am to 7pm total with just a 1hr surgery.
I have a regular ob appt. tomorrow and you bet your ass I have an entire page full of questions for her and no other doctor will sit there like her and answer each one before I leave her room.
Right now I'm off of work for a week and I'm glad I did that because I would be a wreck if I didn't. Obviously (and don't read any further if you don't want to know what they did....warned you!) They weaved a stitch in and out of my cervix and then like purse strings pulled them together like a drawstring to close my cervix. So I of course have bleeding and its scary even though they tell you it will happen. Your cervix now has to heal and no way could I do that being at work. I'm at home with tylenol for pain and some pills to relax my uterus to make sure contractions don't start from the irritation we just caused on my cervix. I sleep as much as possible just so I don't have to deal with anything. I just want to sleep through the whole thing. I just want to wake up and its all healed and everything is fine. It would be amazing if I could wake up 5 months from now and have a healthy baby.
So that was our experience. Scary to say the least but the actual surgery was easy. I had a lovely staff that laughed at all my jokes ;) it was the only way I could get through the nerves. My spinal lady liked my back tattoo and asked if it hurt she said she was too chicken to get one, I laughed and asked her if she ever had a spinal. She laughed pretty hard at that. Of course she's never had a spinal. I told her she could do it, it didn't hurt much at all. The nurse that helped me lean over for the spinal was amazing. She rubbed my hands keeping me distracted and told me I could squeeze hers if I had too. She talked to me about anything she could think of just to keep my mind off of what was happening. She was really sweet and I am so thankful she was attending in my surgery. The staff there is like no other I have ever had dealt with before. From the information desk lady that walked us right where we needed to be, the receptionist, all my nurses, the lady that did my IV, all the people in the OR and the anesthesiologist. I have never met such wonderful people. I am so thankful for them. By far the best hospital ever. I owe them so much.
So to answer the big question we always get-what gender are we hoping for? That question is so silly now, after all we've been through we just want whatever it is to be here safe, as close to full term as possible and healthy. I never in a million years thought such an easy task would be so difficult for us. As much as I try to explain what we go through, its hard to know unless you've lived it. If this baby comes home it will be the biggest miracle ever performed and I helped it by listening to my body and knowing I had to do the cerclage when the Dr. didn't really want to do it. I refuse to go through what I did with Emerson. I could never look at my child again and watch them take their last breath....never again. I will do all in my power to get this baby here. I can't think of the things other pregnant people get to. I can't plan anything ahead. I can't shop for clothes, no painting the nursery yet. I'd love to but I don't feel safe yet. All is done that needs to be, we did all we could do. We just wait now. Once I hit a certain wk I will be able to do the normal things. I will get to pick out clothes, register for showers, and paint the nursery. I can only imagine that point and the excitement and happiness I will feel. But for now the words from the Dr. that delivered Emerson "one day at a time" and if I need to "one hour at a time" and that is how we will get through this.
I will update again tomorrow after our Dr. appt with my regular ob. Hopefully she will have some more answers and some positive things.
I don't mean for this to sound so down. I just didn't expect to be 1cm already, at 14 wks its somewhat unheard of. So in my mind I get scared, that is just how I am-after all we've been through my mind is trained that way. But we are in the best spot, I made a smart choice and the timing couldn't have been better. We did all we could do.
I want to thank everyone for all the calls, texts, facebook messages and offering to help. I am humbled and my heart is so full of love. The amount of support we receive is amazing. i can't believe how many people are behind us waiting for this baby to make it here. I was told by a friend this baby needed a rockstar name as it will enter the world like a celebrity. What a wonderful thing to hear as a mother, that your child is loved so much and so many people are waiting for them to arrive. I love you all so much and we couldn't make it through this without you. My words just don't seem like enough to tell you all what it means to us. This has truly been one of the hardest things we have ever had to deal with. Thank you for everything
So now this emotional momma, who now seems to cry at everything needs to go lay down. Write a note to this little one in my journal and probably listen to the heartbeat which is music to my ears. ♥
