Thunderstorms, time alone and randonmess.

      I can say I think I'm doing ok. As ok as someone who's lost 2 children can be. Getting through the day is a bit easier. Its weird how grief is sometimes. I'll be driving alone singing to the radio and out of nowhere the tears will come. It wasn't triggered by the song and honestly there was no triggers. It just happens. I wonder sometimes if its because I try to shove it away. After sitting away for so long it must push itself forward. I'm guessing it can only sit in the back for so long.

 Thunderstorms are a trigger for me, not so much a sad one but comforting in a way. When I was in labor for Evelie one of the room windows had the shade up. I went into labor around 8pm and she was born at 2:42am and the entire time I could see and hear a thunderstorm going on. It felt fitting for the mood, I guess. It wasn't a happy day so not seeing sun was good for me. While I was on bedrest (days before she was born) in the hospital we felt the little aftershock or whatever from the New York earthquake. So Evelie experienced an earthquake and was born in a thunderstorm. Her sister was born while it was raining out and it snowed the next day on our way home.

The air tonight feels as if its going to rain and I'm hoping for a storm. Some how it makes me feel close to Evelie. I want it to rain so hard. I want to be able to stand in my back yard and let the rain just pour on me. I want it to somehow make it feel like my daughters are looking down on me. I want to feel them, I want to know they're ok. The pain gets so intense sometimes. It hasn't even been a month yet. I forget sometimes that she's not in my belly, or maybe it isn't forgetting but pretending or hoping she's still there.

In my 27 years I've faced and witnessed lots of grief. I've attended a lot of funerals.  The very first one I remember, I believe I was 9 or 10 and I attended my uncle's funeral. He passed at the age of 25 from a car accident. I remember crying, I remember my family crying and I remember my father crying so hard he lost his contact lens on the funeral home floor. I think I was a sensitive child, I believe one of my teachers told my parents that when I was in elementary school. I cried if it affected me personally, I cried if it didn't have a single thing to do with me, because at a young age I knew how their hearts were hurting and I didn't like others to feel that either. I remember when my great grandmother passed, my dad's Aunt Ethel passed. My family, especially my mother's side has witnessed death more than anyone I know. We have witnessed more pain that anyone should know. I think I've attended at least 8 funerals that I can remember. I know it has to be more than that, but my mind is blank right now. I know one funeral home knows our family pretty well as they've taken care of most of our loved ones.

That would explain why when I took a walk alone in the cemetery the other day, somehow I felt comfortable there. Not in a morbid way. I spent time alone walking around each stone, looking at the detail and feeling pain for their family. I know what it feels like to bury your loved ones. I spend time praying for their families. I spent a little extra time near the babies. Cleaning off the headstones and praying their families were ok. I must have looked silly to the ladies walking in the cemetery. Walking around randomly with tears down my face. I couldn't help it. I know that pain from my own girls and from all my other loved ones that have passed away.  My heart hurts for them especially those that have to bury their children. No matter how young or old they are, the pain is similar. It isn't the natural course of life. That type of pain is so intense. My heart hurts for anyone that has to experience. I know loss is just a part of life but it is so painful. I think our family is very sensitive to loss. My grandmother has experienced it more than anyone I know. That women is amazing, she is strong and I look up to her. I know that if she made it through all that she has, that I will and I'll be ok.

Bring on the rain....