Not just for those dealing with it but for those dealing with the people going through it. Sometimes its hard to know what to say to those of us during this time.
I'll tell you how it feels and mothers carry this pain for the rest of our lives. It feels like your heart is ripped out of your chest. A few days ago, I wanted to take every thing in my house and throw it on the front lawn. Why? because sometimes there is so much hurt so much anger that you can't deal and sometimes you need to do something physical to release it. I wish I didn't live on a busy street because if I didn't, you bet your ass everything I own would have been outside including my heavy sectional couch. I was a bit worried someone might call the cops on me, so I just cried. I cried as hard as I could. Sometimes that doesn't even help. Could you imagine for a second what you would do if you had to say good bye to your child? Then would you think I was crazy for just wanting to throw things outside? Sometimes I wonder how I get up in the morning. Where does the strength come to get myself together, get ready and sometimes venture out in public. I'm still not sure how that happens. Some days I don't get out of my p.j's. I admit many days a brush has never touched my hair, but if you ever went through losing a child, you wouldn't blame me.
I've heard many things that hurt going through this process. I'll tell you one thing that stings a lot. Babies are NOT puppies, they can not be replaced. Another one doesn't fix all the problems. If you lost a parent, would another one fix it? Nope! This does not help the parents nor does it help the grandparents. Each baby, each person is an individual and trying to replace them does not work. My daughters can not be replaced with another one, and if you ask their grandparents they'd say the same. You can't replace your kids, your grandkids, your parents, your cousins, etc. They are not puppies and if you know me, my puppies can't be replaced with puppies either so I'm not really sure why people think that. Also offering to me to take your child (although you think its comforting) will not fill the void of mine, your baby doesn't replace my baby. I want mine, not yours.
I received a wonderful present in the mail today and it couldn't have arrived on a better day. It was the book "I will carry you" if you attended Evelie's memorial it has to do with the song by the same title that was played during her memorial. The wife of the band member that plays that song wrote the book about a daughter she lost 2 hrs after being born. I got it this morning at 11 am and by 2 pm I was over half way through it. I can identify with her feelings. I read most of the book through tears. Knowing someone feels the same way I do, I feel less different. Your normal is different than my normal. I am a mother, but I never heard my babies cry, only watched them breathe and die in the same day. When you get frustrated when your baby wakes in the middle of the night, I'm frustrated because mine never will. My babies will never be of any trouble at all. My babies knew a lifetime of love in 2hrs, my babies will always be perfect. As I'm reading this book there are many things in it that touch so close to home. Some of Angie's (the author) experiences are so similar to mine. Having to choose what you are going to do for the funeral when you should be thinking about a baby shower or painting the baby's room. This isn't the natural course of things or how it's supposed to go.
I wish I could rush through the grief, not because I want to forget Evelie, but because the pain is so intense sometimes that I don't know how to handle it and I just want to push it away. I want it gone as fast as possible. I hate being that women that can't carry children. I hate being the person who can't announce a pregnancy without every single person wondering if we'll lose this one too. I can't explain what that feels like to a woman. You feel broken, because you're supposed to get married and have babies. When that doesn't happen as easy as it does for everyone else you start to wonder whats wrong with you. I beat myself up enough that I don't need it from anyone else. I've been pregnant 6 times in my life. The first (Emerson) was the furthest I've made it (until Evelie), then early miscarriages in the couple years after her. Then last year I got pregnant in April and miscarried then got pregnant again 2 weeks later and miscarried that baby too both before I was 10wks. Then it took exactly a year (to the day) to get pregnant with Evelie. My track record isn't great but I give my heart to those that didn't treat us like we were going to lose this one too. Thank you for allowing us all the normal excitement that everyone else gets. Thank you for allowing us to live and love like no other. Thank you for all the hope. It means more to us than you will ever know. To those that gave us presents for the baby, it meant so much to us that you let us live without the fear. Those presents made her presence valid. Thank you doesn't begin to cover what we feel for allowing that. We are thankful for all those feelings during Evelie's pregnancy.
I wish there was a manual that told me how to deal with this, a timeline of what and how all this would happen. Steps on how to do this, but there isn't. And with that there is no right and wrong way to do it. If I want to throw furniture outside, I can. If I want to scream, I can. If I just want to hold my husband sobbing on his shoulder uncontrollably, I can. What I do know is that there is never "getting over it" you never get over losing your children. You just learn how to cope and get through the days. You learn what your new normal is and you deal. You never get over it. Just cope. Today stings as I'm turning 27 today and in a perfect world I'd be 24 wks 3 days pregnant. She'd still be in my belly where she was safe, kicking like the little ninja she was. My fighter♥ but she's not. Instead this broken momma wants to visit her babies whose resting place is in a cemetery 15 mins away. My little Evelie who was buried holding her sister's urn.
Oh, the pain sometimes it hits so hard, so hard you can't breathe. I know someday this will get easier to deal with, someday I can wake up and get out of bed easier. Someday the breathing won't hurt as much as it does now. I wake up now hoping its all a dream and that I'll go in the guest room and it will be a nursery and there she will be, in her crib cooing and laughing and life will be great. Terrible thing is, its not and I've tried pinching myself, tried shutting the room door, praying that when I open it, it won't be a guest room it will magically turn into a nursery. I've done that so much, the door doesn't shut quite right anymore.
Today is my 27th birthday. I should be the mother of a 4yr old and 24wks 3 days pregnant with my 2nd princess. Instead I'm the mother of 2 daughters who will forever be 20wks 1day and 21 wks 3days. One lived an hr and the other 1 hr 56mins. They are perfect, and know nothing but love. We loved them a lifetime in that short amount. We will continue to love them forever.
Some day when I can get it together I'd like to write down Evelie's birth story. That happens to also be her life story. I'll also be seeing my favorite Dr. for the first time on the 20th and will hopefully find answers as to what and why this happened. Emerson passed because of incompetent cervix and Evelie passed because my water broke at 20 wks. Right now it looks like they both passed for different reasons. Reasons that really don't matter because it won't bring them back. For me though, I need a medical reason as to why this happened so I can cope with it. It may sound strange but there isn't a manual for grief so if I need that to deal, thats it-I need it. No right way, no wrong way-I'm just doing this.
I will carry you lyrics by Selah:
There were photographs I wanted to take, Things I wanted to show you,
Sing sweet lullabies,
Wipe your teary eyes,
Who could love you like this?
People say that I am brave but I'm not,
Truth is I'm barely hangin' on,
There's a greater story
Written long before me,
Because He loves you like this.
I will carry you,
While your heart beats here,
Long beyond the empty cradle,
Through the coming years,
I will carry you,
All my life,
I will praise the One,
Who's chosen me,
To carry you.
Bridge:
Such a short time,
Such a long road,
All this madness,
But I know,
That the silence,
Has brought me to His voice,
And He said,
"I've shown her photographs of time beginning,
Walked her through the parted sea,
Angel lullabies,
No more teary eyes,
Who could love her like this?"
I will carry you,
While your heart beats here,
Long beyond the empty cradle,
Through the coming years,
I will carry you,
All your life,
I will praise the One,
Who's chosen me,
To carry you.
link to the video and the beautiful pictures of Audrey, the precious girl that this song was written for
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J2CnUtVY35o
No comments:
Post a Comment