I can't hold my child, so I hold on to memories

            I've mentioned before that I do strange things out of grief. Think what you want, but it helps me. I've held on to half full water bottles from when I was on bed rest. I've held on to each hospital bracelet from all my ER visits, cerclage surgery and hospital bed rest.

One thing I've held on to that reminds me of the happiest day of my life is this:

This IHOP mint. We went to Grand Rapids for a cervical length ultrasound. I was 18 weeks pregnant and we were hoping they'd be nice and check the gender. They had an ultrasound tech that was there to learn, so they asked if I was ok with being the guinea pig and letting her learn how to check cervical lengths on me. Since I was nice and allowed her to learn on me, they checked the gender for me. My husband and I sat there trying to guess. I thought for sure I knew what the gender was. I thought boy, I swear I saw something there. But when she swept over the baby again, she said with a huge smile "it's a girl!" I've never seen my husband smile so much before. I was so excited. Not that we didn't want a boy, obviously I will take whatever I can get. We just imagined ourselves with a girl, so to have that happen we were so excited. I couldn't even think straight. So to celebrate we went to IHOP. Being so excited that I couldn't think straight. I couldn't find pancakes on the menu. I then asked my husband as I was bouncing in my seat from excitement "do they have pancakes here?" Now IHOP is one of my favorite restaurants and pancakes are one of my favorite foods and was a craving during pregnancy so there was no way I wouldn't know they served pancakes at THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LOL I was so freaking happy, I didn't realize where we were or why I couldn't find pancakes on the menu. Our waitress laughed at me and had no idea why I was so airheaded at the moment. I was just beyond happy that I couldn't read or think or do anything but smile, bounce in my seat and breathe. That was the happiest day of my life. That was when I could think of the baby as Evelie and not just the baby anymore. We could dream of her as a her :) I put the mint in my purse because I'm not huge on mints right after food. I thought I'd eat it later.

I must have forgotten all about it and when we came home after her birth, I was digging in my purse and came across my ihop mint. I cried so hard. The happiness and hope we had that day, planning the nursery, shopping for clothes. I will never know those feelings again and her life is over. That mint is still in my purse and I carry it every where I go. It's my reminder that a long time ago, we were as happy as one couple could be. Life was good back then. That day I was so happy and excited I didn't realize that they sold pancakes at the International House of Pancakes. That day was one of the best days of my life. I don't know if that is strange to some people but my life isn't happy, nothing really makes us happy anymore and all I have are tiny memories of what it felt like to truly be as happy as I could be.

To anyone else if you went through my purse or my home, my tiny memories would look like ordinary items to you, with out a story behind them. However, I can look around and tell you each item in my home that I hold on to from my pregnancy and each time I look at them I can pull those emotions from the exact day that I got that item and why I kept it. I need those things to stay sane, to remind me what happiness used to feel like. If they disappear I'm afraid my ability to feel that happiness again, will disappear. My children's lives are gathered in rubbermaid tubs. They lived under 2hrs but I've created mementos from things along the way. You have to when you don't get the time you wanted. You create the memories. I have photos from each day I was on bed rest, of random stuff. I do what I can to make it through.

To be that happy again, to be beyond excited that I couldn't even remember that at one of my favorite restaurants (that I've visited probably a million times and only order pancakes when I go) they served pancakes at a place called the international house of pancakes. As long as I have that mint, each time I see it when I'm searching for something in my purse, I will remember that day (August 2nd 2011) and the feeling of being that happiest couple in the world. Even if it was for only a couple weeks.