I just read a blog post from baby center that was all about miscarriage and how you can't compare it to the loss of a baby. While I do not agree with the things she has said. I will tell you my feelings on this subject. But please know, they are MY feelings. The feelings that have come from my experiences. I ask that you do not take this the wrong way. I'm afraid some might.
I've had my losses compared to many things. A big one is someone's divorce. Burying my children is nothing like a divorce. I don't know how you could possibly put those two in the same category. My mind is blown each time this one person compares her divorce to me burying my kids. It's insulting to me.
I've also had my daughter's deaths compared to miscarriages. I understand the pain of an early miscarriage, I've been there 4 times. However, I will tell you that giving birth to my girls, watching them breathe and then watching them pass is no where close to my early miscarriages. I am in no way lessening the pain of an early miscarriage. I grieved those babies but having an early miscarriage isn't close at all (for me). My early miscarriages were painful, I carry emotional scares from a couple of them. Had I never had my girls, my miscarriages would be the worst pain I've ever felt. But after having them, their loss is the worst I have ever felt. I'm not saying my miscarriages didn't hurt. They were painful. I cried, I grieved for what was supposed to be. I remember due dates, one even sharing the same as Evelie, a year exactly to the date. Jan 1st 2011 and Evelie was Jan 1st 2012.
I remember in one of my miscarriages knowing from my numbers not doubling that this baby wasn't going to make it. I found that out at 4 weeks, I then had to walk around for another 7 weeks to wait to naturally miscarry that baby. Never knowing at what point they stopped developing. I was 11 weeks pregnant. I would slowly start to bleed, then in the middle of the night one day,I began contractions. That was a traumatic thing for my husband and I. I had to wake him up and he rubbed my lower back while all our hopes and dreams and our tiny baby would leave this world. It had taken us a long time to get pregnant with the first baby after Emerson, it also took us a long time to get pregnant with each pregnancy between the girls. Only to have all of our hope and dreams shattered. I know the pain of infertility, miscarriage and infant loss.
I am in NO WAY saying that early miscarriages are not painful, or not worth grieving. They are! I've been through 4, and they are extremely painful, emotionally and physically. In my experience the pain of my girls are worse to me. That is my experience. I had 2 of the most traumatically terrifying births. My second one being traumatic on a different level. So bad that I can't even repeat or share with you the graphic things that we had to go through. Both experiences are painful, for me the births of my daughters are so much harder for me to handle. Had I never got pregnant with them, my miscarriages would be the worst pain in the world. The article I read was basically saying how they shouldn't be grieved because they were not babies, they were ideas. I do NOT agree with that comment at all. All of my losses were babies, all of them with hopes and dreams and dates for us to remember. All of them, we dreamed about, what they would look like, boy or girl etc. They were all painful, but to me and my experiences they were painful and traumatic on different levels. The birth of my daughters, do not compare to my miscarriages and the birth of my girls is not comparable to someone's divorce.
I had to bury my children, had to buy a headstone, had to watch them die. A divorce is splitting from a person, not burying them, seeing them breathe and seeing them die.
I have a world of pain. It is mine and I have to carry it. My miscarriages were extremely painful and there just isn't words for the loss of my girls. I do think everyone has the right to grieve, for as long as they need to, however they need to and for whatever they need to. Also in a way, anyone's loss can't be compared to anyone else's either. Each of us have a different story, each with different pain. My pain is the worse I've ever felt. Someone else's is the worst they've been through. Each pain is different. I still, however, think you can't compare a divorce to the death of someone. A breakup is nothing like a death. I know this is probably so contradictory, but it isn't black and white.
I'm also dealing with people throwing religious stuff out of their mouth that is just not comforting to me. So many hurtful comments. How this is God's plan, everything happens for a reason etc. Lately, I have lost my fuse with this. I got into an argument with a women at work who thought she knew why this happened to me. Normally, I would have just sat there and listened to her and never said a word. I've even done that with her before. However, I'm so done with taking it. I feel like I've been through enough and I don't have to keep my mouth shut. If they get to say something to me about my loss, I will say how their comment makes me feel. She also believes that if I get healthy, my next pregnancy will make it. Let me tell you something, my problem is not curable. I am not unhealthy. I may not be skinny (which to her means healthy) but I never had any other problems. I have one, one weak cervix that is the cause for the loss of my daughters. I take the best care of myself during pregnancy. Me, getting very healthy right now, will not allow the next child to live. My "health" has nothing to do with my cervix. My cervix would be weak whether I weigh 500 lbs or whether I'm 95 lbs. I was born with that. Taking chemicals out of my beauty products, removing cleaners from my home (which are things I've recently done that lead her to believe I'm now getting healthy) will not save the next child. Moving on to another surgery will most likely get a baby here, full term.
My children also were not unhealthy. They were very healthy, both being told they were fighters and very strong. Evelie lived over a week with NO water. Kicking the whole time and she would have kept going, had my body not gone into labor. Their heartbeats continued after being born. I am amazed by them. So early, yet their hearts kept beating, when they weren't even expected to make it through the birth alive. Both of my girls did, both were breathing after birth. Me, getting healthy has no effect on that, I was healthy, they were healthy. I have a weak cervix that is only fixable by surgery, the surgery I had was not good enough for me or my cervix. We would have never known that ahead of time. There is no way to know without trying. My heart is shattered knowing that I had to go through this to find out that a different surgery would work better than what I had. I should have skipped this one and went to the next type of surgery, but that isn't a choice I had. I had to do it this way, like many other women with my same problem.
I spoke with a Dr. in Chicago that said because we did everything under the sun to prevent losing Evelie, that I am the 20% the a regular cerclage doesn't work for. A tougher, permanent cerclage is the answer for me. This type of cerclage has a 95% success rate compared to 80 % of the cerclage I had. If I could have skipped to the permanent cerclage, you bet your ass I would have. My daughter's life was more important than gambling it on an 80% chance. That number is not high enough for me. I still remember sitting in the doctors office early on in Evelie's pregnancy, being told they didn't even think I needed a cerclage. I fought for one, said there was no way I was going to go into another pregnancy without doing everything I could possibly do, to prevent what happened to Emerson.
I wasn't stupid. I knew. And I was right, this is the only time I wish I wasn't right. I wish they were, that I didn't even need the cerclage. That is why I couldn't skip to the permanent one, because they didn't even think I needed the one I had in the first place. Only to be proven wrong when they did the surgery in the OR and saw that I was already 1cm dilated at 14 weeks pregnant. They needed that to tell them, that I was right all along. I live with the guilt and pain that I had to lose another daughter to find out that something else would work better. Her life should not be gambled like that. I also think all pregnant women should have their cervix checked via transvaginal ultrasound so that incompetent cervix can be caught before a life is lost. You should never have to lose a child to find out that you have a problem. It takes seconds to check with an ultrasound. Seconds that could possibly save a child's life. My goal, when I'm strong enough to do it. Is to somehow get it, so that every pregnant women has her cervix checked via ultrasound so that a weak cervix is caught early and before a child's life is lost.
I have a lot going on lately, a lot to move through. I am in the middle of getting a wonderful health insurance that covers counseling. I am well aware that this time around, I need it. Do I want it, no not really because I don't understand how an outsider that probably has never lost a child, is going to tell me how to grieve or how to handle this. I do know that I most likely have ptsd and that needs to be handled. I do not want meds and will fight that, but I believe my mind needs help. I went through very traumatic stuff and even more traumatic with my second daughter. I am not going to act like I wasn't effected by this, not going to act like everything is rainbows and butterflies. It isn't. I don't think anyone would expect it to be. I do know that somehow my mind is trying to protect me, and I'm not allowing myself to really feel like this has happened. I'm somehow on the outside looking in and not truly feeling and dealing with what has happened. Haven't allowed myself to believe that this is the life I have.
Again, I want to clarify what I said earlier in this post. Miscarriages are painful, they are a loss of a baby. You should be allowed to grieve and it is something I wish no one had to go through. My personal experience is just that, mine. My miscarriages hurt, the death of my children hurt me worse. That is my pain, not comparable to anyone else. Do not let anyone tell you that an early miscarriage isn't anything. I had my hopes and dreams shattered many times over. I can't believe people in the world tell people to get over miscarriages. I hope that I didn't offend anyone with that. I hope everyone understands what I'm trying to say.
