“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.”

     I'm nervous for my future. Nervous of so many things. The thought of taking the next step in my future has me scared and tears well up when I think about it. If I don't do this, we have no chance of children. The last time I felt this much fear was when they were wheeling me to the OR for my transvaginal cerclage. I felt my heart in my throat and the only thing that kept me on that table was knowing I was doing all I could for that baby who was peacefully growing in my tummy. You don't know fear until your water breaks at 20 weeks and your child is hanging on for her life with no water. Knowing that at any minute her heart could stop or you could go into labor and her life would end. Knowing that her life will end even though she's so healthy, but your body can't do what it's meant to do. That is fear. Not so intense as it once was because there isn't a child inside me. But because I fear the unknown and fear that it will happen again. I fear surgery, anesthesia and c-sections. I grieve my children, I grieve the natural birth I always wanted and I grieve the life that was supposed to be.

Fear is powerful. I find it stopping me in my tracks daily. But the need to have a "normal" life, the need to give my husband the chance to father children is so great that I'm putting myself through a surgery that I'm so extremely scared to do. The only thing letting me move forward and not scaring me out of this, is knowing many women who have their dreams after this terrible life we've all been given. I can't think of  a life without children and my husband often tells me he can't live without being a parent. What a terrible feeling, knowing you are responsible for not only your pain but for your husband's pain. So many emotions right now. So much stuff coming up in the next few months. It's overwhelming and I cry daily from the amount of stress and grief. It's a difficult thing to try this all over again. I'm not sure I'm ready for it but I'm not getting younger and this is the only chance I have left. 

Someday I hope to tell our children how much we love them and all that we had to go through to get them. I wish every day of my life that I knew what it was like to get pregnant and have no worries and know that at the end of 9 months a baby would come home. I would never wish this condition on my worst enemy. I have never struggled so hard for anything in my life. I dream of the simple life we had before this. I wonder what our problems and struggles in our life would be if we never had to bury our children. Life would be simple and easy. The worst thing would be getting up early and I laugh at that. Really, how easy life would be if it weren't this way. What would we really get upset over? We will never know that because we carry the death of our daughters with us until we die. Nothing will ever fix that, we will never forget them and life will never be the same.