Today I am reminded that I am surrounded by wonderful people who have allowed me to openly grieve and have been nothing but loving and supportive of me. They support me when I'm happy and love me even when I'm not my greatest.
Today my eyes were opened. I work in a bakery. We hired a new cake decorator back in August. I haven't noticed a single baby shower cake in a very long time. I didn't really pay much attention to it. Then I was told that our new decorator (who obviously knows my story) decided to take all the shower cakes that come through and work on them only after I leave. She hid them from me. She never speaks of pregnancies in front of me. This whole time I had no clue. I'm amazed that someone could possibly figure out what could hurt a mother like me and be so sensitive. It's not easy to do. I know it's not. I know I confuse people because I talk about baby stuff but it's easy to talk about (sometimes) when you have hope for the future. Pregnancy announcements still sting and certain days I hate anything to do with babies. I don't want to see baby clothes or hear about children. So I KNOW it isn't easy to figure out what could hurt another person like me.
I'm amazed that she would even think of that. After talking about that at work today, I found out other things she does to protect me. She found out someone that we both know is pregnant, and without me knowing she asked someone else if I knew. Then asked them how I was handling it. How could she possibly know that I might be having a hard time with it? How could she know those annoucements still sting, no matter how happy I am for others, they still hurt. I still wish it was me. I didn't even think she knew they were pregnant because she didn't mention a single thing about it. And in great detail she can tell you how she thinks it makes me feel and she hits the nail on the head every single time. She is an amazing human being. It take s a lot of work to hide cakes and orders from me. I still can't believe she's done that for over 7 months. That means the next baby shower cake I'll see will be my own. I don't think she realizes how special that is for me. I'm shocked. Nothing could ever tell her how sweet and caring I think she is. It takes a lot to see the world through someone else's eyes, especially a mother who had dealt with infertility and lots of loss.
She even recognizes the girls. I was making Derrick a birthday cake and she slipped one purple and one pink candle for me to take to him. She said she wanted him to make a wish and those candles represented the girls. I've only told her their colors once. This women has such a beautiful heart. She cries with me from sadness and sheds tears of happiness with me. I am so thankful to know her. I appreciate her more than she could ever know.
Even living this life, it's hard to know what might be a trigger and bring on pain. I'm shocked that someone on the outside could put themselves in my shoes and see the world differently. To go out of her way to hide baby shower cakes until I finished my shift. She told me that she wants to make my cake. She said I could have as many as I wanted if I couldn't decide on one design. She knows I never had a baby shower and I've always dreamed of it. She's a special lady and I'm lucky to have her in my life. <3
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
Happiness often sneaks in through a door you didn't know you left open.
(I had to add this after I wrote this~I always start writing and it always seems to go in many different directions. I noticed that tonight as I wrote this. I'm all over the place. So enjoy that lol)
I haven't felt this happy in a long time <3 There will always be bad days. It happens. With every single breath I take, I will always miss my girls. There will be triggers that bring the grief to the front. I will feel guilty about being happy when I shouldn't be, because my babies are not here. Nothing will ever make me feel better about grief or coping with it. I love them with every single bit of myself. I would have been a damn good mother to them.
This surgery has been an eye opener. I cried a lot. From happiness and sadness. Realizing I was only traveling miles away to see the top doctor because my children died. I was only there because they weren't here. Children are not replaceable. No matter how many we have there will always be 2 girls missing from every family photo. 2 girls that we missed a life time of experiences with. 2 girls that Derrick will never walk down the aisle. 2 girls that will never dance in our living room and never bake cupcakes with me.
That is a lot to carry for parents. A lot to handle. It rips my heart out every day to wake up and breathe. Remembering I watched them take their first and last breath in the same day. Then having to visit a cold headstone where they lay beneath.Where Evelie's tiny body holds Emerson's urn. Something parents should never go through.
Now I realize this didn't turn into to what sounds like a happy post. It is. I'll explain. I do carry that with me every day of my life. Not a second goes by that I don't think of them. It has taken me a very long to not feel guilty about being happy. Everyone has their opinion on how people should handle grief. They often say " I don't know what I'd do if that happened to me, I wouldn't be able to get out of bed" etc. It isn't easy but I had to get out of bed. I had to go to work. I have to face babies, pregnant women and pregnancy announcements. I wanted to stay in bed, I wanted to die.
Then there was a day when my husband called me from his job. He told me we couldn't go on living like this. We had to try again for another baby because if we didn't we'd never be happy again. I didn't say a word, I couldn't. The tears were just streaming down my face. I had something to live for again. I had something to look forward to. I had a reason to keep living. We talked about how I would find more info on the tac (transabdominal cerclage) and then I'd set up the consultation with Dr. Haney. I scheduled the phone consultation with Haney. Prepared my list of questions for him. And then we waited a month for the actual call. We got both phones out so Derrick could sit in, ask questions and hear what Haney had to say too.
Dr. Haney spent over an hour on the phone with us. Every thing on my list, he answered before I had the chance to ask it. He explained how the tac works from an engineers point of view. Derrick loved that, he completely understood what was going to happen. He told us that I would be cured. That the reason I lost both of my girls would be fixed. He explained why the cerclage that we had with Evelie didn't work and how this is much different with a significantly higher and almost perfect success rate. I know a lot of women who have seen him. My friends and family know I don't do anything without researching the crap out of it. Any article with Haney in it, I've read it. This mother can research and dig up stuff better than the fbi.
The phone consult ended on such a wonderful note. I then tried to get health insurance. This was a long process. No one wants to cover a women with pcos, a history of fertility meds, miscarriages, infant loss, and 2 lengthy expensive hospital bedrest bills. I sounded like one hell of an expensive women on paper and just a headache for them. I finally got on insurance and had to wait 6 months (on top of the 3 I waited to just get denied over and over from other insurance) because I obviously have a pre existing condition. That wait was such a long wait. I remember feeling so defeated. Not even sure if they'd cover the surgery. I never thought I'd see the end of the waiting period. It helped us get through the holidays. Having something to look forward to. Honestly if we didn't have this, I am not sure how life would have gone. Christmas has been hell for the last 6 years. We finally had something to be happy about.
During the waiting period I kept researching. Talking to all the ladies I knew that had this done. Getting to hear how normal their pregnancies were. How they got to work, no bedrest. Just like a normal pregnant women. That is exciting. Though I know I won't be normal, because I know loss. I will worry every second of my pregnancy. Probably won't enjoy it because of my past. I'll do it because that's what I have to do.
Now the 6 months is up. We've past it. We traveled. I did it. Even though I was scared out of my mind about going under, it's done. So this new chapter starts. 7 years, 4 miscarriages, giving birth to 2 sweet baby girls and watching them take their last breaths, the pain, the moments of not wanting to go on and it feels like we get to go forward. We don't go forward and forget what happened. We will carry that with us, each step. I have researched the things I wanted like cloth diapers, how we want to parent etc. for as long as we've been married. 8 years. It feels like we will finally get to put this stuff to use. Every day when I look at my child. I will try my hardest because I have 2 little girls that I gave everything for. They will help me remember to do my best. They will help me on the hard days. There will always be reminders and triggers of what I didn't get to do with them. Always. But I will hug a little tighter, love deeper and kiss whenever I can because there are 2 girls that never got that. I will make up for what I never got to do for them.
They have taught me so much. I cried when I was in Chicago because they weren't here. I also cry because I was there to have a chance at happiness. I miss them more than anyone could know. No one knows what we've gone through. No one knows how many times I've cried. How many times I have wanted to throw my furniture out on the lawn because I was so angry and didn't know how to express my pain. How many times I've gone through their items and sobbed because I just want to touch them one more time. I can allow happy days. I can grieve but be happy too.
Today I am happy. We finally have something to look forward to. The surgery is done. My ovaries are "gorgeous" and we have a new chapter to write. I haven't smiled as much as I have in the last month. I am finally happy. We are finally happy. I forgot what this felt like. It's been so long. I am excited for the future. Excited to see Derrick with our babies, in a positive setting. And not in the heartbreaking, tragic ones I've witnessed. I am ready.
I haven't felt this happy in a long time <3 There will always be bad days. It happens. With every single breath I take, I will always miss my girls. There will be triggers that bring the grief to the front. I will feel guilty about being happy when I shouldn't be, because my babies are not here. Nothing will ever make me feel better about grief or coping with it. I love them with every single bit of myself. I would have been a damn good mother to them.
This surgery has been an eye opener. I cried a lot. From happiness and sadness. Realizing I was only traveling miles away to see the top doctor because my children died. I was only there because they weren't here. Children are not replaceable. No matter how many we have there will always be 2 girls missing from every family photo. 2 girls that we missed a life time of experiences with. 2 girls that Derrick will never walk down the aisle. 2 girls that will never dance in our living room and never bake cupcakes with me.
That is a lot to carry for parents. A lot to handle. It rips my heart out every day to wake up and breathe. Remembering I watched them take their first and last breath in the same day. Then having to visit a cold headstone where they lay beneath.Where Evelie's tiny body holds Emerson's urn. Something parents should never go through.
Now I realize this didn't turn into to what sounds like a happy post. It is. I'll explain. I do carry that with me every day of my life. Not a second goes by that I don't think of them. It has taken me a very long to not feel guilty about being happy. Everyone has their opinion on how people should handle grief. They often say " I don't know what I'd do if that happened to me, I wouldn't be able to get out of bed" etc. It isn't easy but I had to get out of bed. I had to go to work. I have to face babies, pregnant women and pregnancy announcements. I wanted to stay in bed, I wanted to die.
Then there was a day when my husband called me from his job. He told me we couldn't go on living like this. We had to try again for another baby because if we didn't we'd never be happy again. I didn't say a word, I couldn't. The tears were just streaming down my face. I had something to live for again. I had something to look forward to. I had a reason to keep living. We talked about how I would find more info on the tac (transabdominal cerclage) and then I'd set up the consultation with Dr. Haney. I scheduled the phone consultation with Haney. Prepared my list of questions for him. And then we waited a month for the actual call. We got both phones out so Derrick could sit in, ask questions and hear what Haney had to say too.
Dr. Haney spent over an hour on the phone with us. Every thing on my list, he answered before I had the chance to ask it. He explained how the tac works from an engineers point of view. Derrick loved that, he completely understood what was going to happen. He told us that I would be cured. That the reason I lost both of my girls would be fixed. He explained why the cerclage that we had with Evelie didn't work and how this is much different with a significantly higher and almost perfect success rate. I know a lot of women who have seen him. My friends and family know I don't do anything without researching the crap out of it. Any article with Haney in it, I've read it. This mother can research and dig up stuff better than the fbi.
The phone consult ended on such a wonderful note. I then tried to get health insurance. This was a long process. No one wants to cover a women with pcos, a history of fertility meds, miscarriages, infant loss, and 2 lengthy expensive hospital bedrest bills. I sounded like one hell of an expensive women on paper and just a headache for them. I finally got on insurance and had to wait 6 months (on top of the 3 I waited to just get denied over and over from other insurance) because I obviously have a pre existing condition. That wait was such a long wait. I remember feeling so defeated. Not even sure if they'd cover the surgery. I never thought I'd see the end of the waiting period. It helped us get through the holidays. Having something to look forward to. Honestly if we didn't have this, I am not sure how life would have gone. Christmas has been hell for the last 6 years. We finally had something to be happy about.
During the waiting period I kept researching. Talking to all the ladies I knew that had this done. Getting to hear how normal their pregnancies were. How they got to work, no bedrest. Just like a normal pregnant women. That is exciting. Though I know I won't be normal, because I know loss. I will worry every second of my pregnancy. Probably won't enjoy it because of my past. I'll do it because that's what I have to do.
Now the 6 months is up. We've past it. We traveled. I did it. Even though I was scared out of my mind about going under, it's done. So this new chapter starts. 7 years, 4 miscarriages, giving birth to 2 sweet baby girls and watching them take their last breaths, the pain, the moments of not wanting to go on and it feels like we get to go forward. We don't go forward and forget what happened. We will carry that with us, each step. I have researched the things I wanted like cloth diapers, how we want to parent etc. for as long as we've been married. 8 years. It feels like we will finally get to put this stuff to use. Every day when I look at my child. I will try my hardest because I have 2 little girls that I gave everything for. They will help me remember to do my best. They will help me on the hard days. There will always be reminders and triggers of what I didn't get to do with them. Always. But I will hug a little tighter, love deeper and kiss whenever I can because there are 2 girls that never got that. I will make up for what I never got to do for them.
They have taught me so much. I cried when I was in Chicago because they weren't here. I also cry because I was there to have a chance at happiness. I miss them more than anyone could know. No one knows what we've gone through. No one knows how many times I've cried. How many times I have wanted to throw my furniture out on the lawn because I was so angry and didn't know how to express my pain. How many times I've gone through their items and sobbed because I just want to touch them one more time. I can allow happy days. I can grieve but be happy too.
Today I am happy. We finally have something to look forward to. The surgery is done. My ovaries are "gorgeous" and we have a new chapter to write. I haven't smiled as much as I have in the last month. I am finally happy. We are finally happy. I forgot what this felt like. It's been so long. I am excited for the future. Excited to see Derrick with our babies, in a positive setting. And not in the heartbreaking, tragic ones I've witnessed. I am ready.
Monday, February 4, 2013
the strips are off
Today I got to take my steri strips off my incision. Feels weird to have nothing on it. I stood in the mirror and just looked at it. It's not nearly as big as I thought it was going to be. I wouldn't care if it was huge. I'm just happy to have it. It's pretty tiny and he managed to get it so low. Not like this mom body is going to be wearing any bikinis but I was very surprised how low it was.
From what Dr. Haney said, my ob will be using that incision for any further c-sections. I'm still sore and using pain meds. Not nearly as much as I was but I still need something once in a while. And well, percocet sleeps are the best sleeps ever!
I can't believe it felt like forever ago that we were counting down to when we could even call to see if we could have the surgery. Now it's done and over with. It went so well. We will never forget how life changing and awesome the trip was. We were on cloud 9 the entire time.
Now I'm crossing my fingers it doesn't take long to conceive. I do not miss that roller coaster of emotions and hope we don't have to go through all of that again. My heart goes out to the ladies that are still going through that. I will never forget what it feels like to watch everyone around you get pregnant and bring home their babies, while you are still waiting for your positive test.
From what Dr. Haney said, my ob will be using that incision for any further c-sections. I'm still sore and using pain meds. Not nearly as much as I was but I still need something once in a while. And well, percocet sleeps are the best sleeps ever!
I can't believe it felt like forever ago that we were counting down to when we could even call to see if we could have the surgery. Now it's done and over with. It went so well. We will never forget how life changing and awesome the trip was. We were on cloud 9 the entire time.
Now I'm crossing my fingers it doesn't take long to conceive. I do not miss that roller coaster of emotions and hope we don't have to go through all of that again. My heart goes out to the ladies that are still going through that. I will never forget what it feels like to watch everyone around you get pregnant and bring home their babies, while you are still waiting for your positive test.
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