Hello, loss #8

We learned about you, not that long ago but we knew quickly that you won't be staying either. Now we're just wondering when you'll be gone, just like the rest. Waiting for the loss to begin. Walking around feeling pregnant but waiting for it to stop. For a fleeting moment we had hope that you'd be the rainbow. One cycle in between loss number 7 in April, and you happened so quickly. I wondered what is going on with my body, I can get pregnant at the drop of a hat now. That has never been the case. It isn't anything to celebrate because we just keep losing all of you. Your mom doesn't have it together any more. She's embarrassed that she had to admit she needs to get professional help. This life has broken her so much, that she can no longer stand on her own two feet. She tries so hard to keep it all together. She's even lost the ability to lie when asked if she's ok. She can't smile and say "yes" she simply tells the truth. No, I'm not ok. I hate this life I've been given. It's completely unfair and no amount of praying or positive thinking will help. I'm wondering if it's time to tie my tubes. To give up because the last 7 1/2 years have been pure hell and it's torture to wake up and breathe. It's time to sort the baby stuff and sell the wraps. I can't handle seeing people wear their babies. A bond, I so badly wanted to experience. There is no point in hoarding things that won't get used. I didn't think I was going to have a child and I know those around me didn't think I would either. The comments I've heard, I'm not stupid. I know. I know they have no more hope than I have for myself. Why would they? Who gets pregnant 8 times with out a single child that lives? Who would ever think someone like that would succeed. I've worked so hard. Done so many tests, been poked probably more than a heroin addict. I work out, eat healthy, take the top prenatals, extra vitamins etc. I do it all and it still won't happen. I can't put myself through this any more. I can't even find words for how terrible I'm feeling. To fight for something so hard, that happens so easy for those around you. Feeling like you are worthless, not a women because you can't give your husband a living child.

“For after all, the best thing one can do when it is raining is let it rain.” ―Henry W. Longfellow

    I don't even have to energy to write much any more or the words the explain how I'm feeling lately. I have never struggled with something so much and for so long in my life. I've never felt so helpless, hopeless and worthless, as I do this very moment.

I'm envious of every one who gets to do the things I only dream of doing. I'm ready to sell all my wraps, all the baby stuff and give up. 7 years of this, 7 losses and I'm sure it's never going to happen for us. If it was going to, it would have already. I struggled with holding it together at work today. Trying so hard not to just break and cry. I'm pushed passed my limit. I feel like I've wasted my life, for nothing. The first 7 years of our marriage has been loss, struggling and every thing that goes with it. I could have gone to school, could have filled my time with something else. Instead it's just been pain because my only want in life was to get married and raise children. I had no passion for any thing else.

I'm angry. I'm struggling so much. I feel like I can't breathe. We've tossed around the idea of selling our house and moving some where else and starting over. I want to. I want to go some place where no one knows us. Where we can hide away from this life. Start over. Or travel so we don't ever have to get close to people, they'll never know our story, we can just run.

I should be close to 18 weeks pregnant and obviously I'm not. I'm tired of seeing every one around me easily get pregnant and I'm still here, trying. Trying so fucking hard and it hasn't happened. I don't want any encouraging words, because frankly there isn't such a thing. No words will fix the struggle I'm dealing with. How would you feel trying for your dream for 7 years and it still isn't happening? You think you'd still be positive? Able to think it will happen for you? Do you think you'd be able to hold it together?  I can't any more. It's not just trying for the dream, it's dealing with the pain of that journey.  The chance to raise a child will NOT fix the past. We have this and will have to carry it with us forever. A living child will never erase the girls, all the miscarriages and the pain. It won't. I'm sorry but this life is shit. It sucks.

I don't have words. Just anger. I'm to my limit. I'm not ok and I don't fit in any where. I'm so sick of this life. I want a different one. A do over. Today I'm not strong. I feel completely broken in more ways than one. So I apologize if I don't stop and talk to you, reply to your messages etc. I need to step away and take care of myself. I am not doing well and it's time to take care of me and try to fix myself. I feel more fragile this week than I have in this entire journey.