Hello, loss #8

We learned about you, not that long ago but we knew quickly that you won't be staying either. Now we're just wondering when you'll be gone, just like the rest. Waiting for the loss to begin. Walking around feeling pregnant but waiting for it to stop. For a fleeting moment we had hope that you'd be the rainbow. One cycle in between loss number 7 in April, and you happened so quickly. I wondered what is going on with my body, I can get pregnant at the drop of a hat now. That has never been the case. It isn't anything to celebrate because we just keep losing all of you. Your mom doesn't have it together any more. She's embarrassed that she had to admit she needs to get professional help. This life has broken her so much, that she can no longer stand on her own two feet. She tries so hard to keep it all together. She's even lost the ability to lie when asked if she's ok. She can't smile and say "yes" she simply tells the truth. No, I'm not ok. I hate this life I've been given. It's completely unfair and no amount of praying or positive thinking will help. I'm wondering if it's time to tie my tubes. To give up because the last 7 1/2 years have been pure hell and it's torture to wake up and breathe. It's time to sort the baby stuff and sell the wraps. I can't handle seeing people wear their babies. A bond, I so badly wanted to experience. There is no point in hoarding things that won't get used. I didn't think I was going to have a child and I know those around me didn't think I would either. The comments I've heard, I'm not stupid. I know. I know they have no more hope than I have for myself. Why would they? Who gets pregnant 8 times with out a single child that lives? Who would ever think someone like that would succeed. I've worked so hard. Done so many tests, been poked probably more than a heroin addict. I work out, eat healthy, take the top prenatals, extra vitamins etc. I do it all and it still won't happen. I can't put myself through this any more. I can't even find words for how terrible I'm feeling. To fight for something so hard, that happens so easy for those around you. Feeling like you are worthless, not a women because you can't give your husband a living child.
The moment I see any positive test, I know the due date before I even know of you. It's not good any more. It's gotten to the point where I show your dad a positive test. We don't talk about it, just ignore it because we know the chances of you making it are slim to none. We didn't celebrate you. I just told your father when the ultrasound would be (knowing we probably wouldn't make it that far either), there was no talk of when the due date was or how I'm feeling. We simply acted like you didn't exist because most likely you won't. I'm sorry for that. I don't know how long you'll develop or even if you are growing right now. I'm sorry. I was only excited for a day. Of course, that day was spent worrying too. Crossing my fingers that the next test I'd take would get darker but it didn't. We're not sure if you're what they call a chemical pregnancy, we're not sure of any thing. We're just waiting for the loss to start. I'm too embarrassed to call the doctor yet. I just called her to tell her and set up my ultrasound. Now I have to call her and feel ashamed. Telling her I most likely won't need that ultrasound any more. Like all those before you, you'll be gone too. I'll sit in her office and we'll both cry. It's like my doctor is as frustrated as I am. She's checked for every thing possible and I'm healthy. Last time she said she wasn't going to allow me to give up. This time I'm sure she'll understand. I started this entry today to let out all my feelings and at this point, I'm done talking about it. Nothing more to say. I'm sorry, like all those before you, that you won't make it either. My body failed you, because failure is all it knows how to do. For those that read this, I love you all but I'd rather not speak about this or any thing baby related from here on out. For the moment being, I'd like to act as if this never happened. IF that is even possible. I'm just trying to get enough energy to get myself through work, through the days and going through the motions. It's time to step away from facebook. Time to step away from any thing that is too difficult to handle. I need to go into some sort of survival mode.