“For after all, the best thing one can do when it is raining is let it rain.” ―Henry W. Longfellow

    I don't even have to energy to write much any more or the words the explain how I'm feeling lately. I have never struggled with something so much and for so long in my life. I've never felt so helpless, hopeless and worthless, as I do this very moment.

I'm envious of every one who gets to do the things I only dream of doing. I'm ready to sell all my wraps, all the baby stuff and give up. 7 years of this, 7 losses and I'm sure it's never going to happen for us. If it was going to, it would have already. I struggled with holding it together at work today. Trying so hard not to just break and cry. I'm pushed passed my limit. I feel like I've wasted my life, for nothing. The first 7 years of our marriage has been loss, struggling and every thing that goes with it. I could have gone to school, could have filled my time with something else. Instead it's just been pain because my only want in life was to get married and raise children. I had no passion for any thing else.

I'm angry. I'm struggling so much. I feel like I can't breathe. We've tossed around the idea of selling our house and moving some where else and starting over. I want to. I want to go some place where no one knows us. Where we can hide away from this life. Start over. Or travel so we don't ever have to get close to people, they'll never know our story, we can just run.

I should be close to 18 weeks pregnant and obviously I'm not. I'm tired of seeing every one around me easily get pregnant and I'm still here, trying. Trying so fucking hard and it hasn't happened. I don't want any encouraging words, because frankly there isn't such a thing. No words will fix the struggle I'm dealing with. How would you feel trying for your dream for 7 years and it still isn't happening? You think you'd still be positive? Able to think it will happen for you? Do you think you'd be able to hold it together?  I can't any more. It's not just trying for the dream, it's dealing with the pain of that journey.  The chance to raise a child will NOT fix the past. We have this and will have to carry it with us forever. A living child will never erase the girls, all the miscarriages and the pain. It won't. I'm sorry but this life is shit. It sucks.

I don't have words. Just anger. I'm to my limit. I'm not ok and I don't fit in any where. I'm so sick of this life. I want a different one. A do over. Today I'm not strong. I feel completely broken in more ways than one. So I apologize if I don't stop and talk to you, reply to your messages etc. I need to step away and take care of myself. I am not doing well and it's time to take care of me and try to fix myself. I feel more fragile this week than I have in this entire journey.