The morning glory that blooms for an hour, differs not at heart from the giant pine that lives for a thousand years

     I miss my babies. My heart is hurting so bad lately. I have no other words to describe it. I talk a lot with my husband and I'm thankful for that. He is the only one who truly knows what our journey feels like. The last few nights I haven't slept much, I miss Evelie (I miss them both) I don't sleep, and I've been holding back tears at work. No real triggers, just the thought of the fact that I should be wanting to rush home to see her. To spend time with her, to have the dream I thought I was so close to. I wonder what my life would be like. I know a lot about pregnancy and lots about high risk stuff, but I know not a thing about parenting. We are having a rough time lately. At this moment, I don't want another baby. I want her. I know her, I love her. She used to kick while we listened to "pumped up kicks" on my phone that I'd lay on my belly. We listened to Adele and I'd sing to her while she kicked.  The time we had together while I was on bedrest, I could lay there all day and just take in each second I had with her. I fought hard as hell to keep her save. She was one hell of a fighter. She survived over a week with little to no fluid and survived the birth. She lived and breathed for 1hr 56 mins.  

 I think I've been in shock for the last 7 months. It is all soaking in lately. I think I had a bit of a protective layer up, sort of saving myself from the pain and now I can't push it away any longer. I can't sleep, I can't focus and I ache constantly. I just want to touch her again, just one more time. Just to touch her sweet cheeks. To touch her lips, that looked like mine. Her little nose that she got from her dad. To tell her I love her one more time, because the millions of times we said it weren't enough. I was laying in bed last night, trying so hard to sleep and I swear I could smell her. I remember so vividly what both my girls smelled like. Once in a while I get a tiny sniff of one of their smells. I keep smelling like I'm trying to keep it trapped in my nose, then it will disappear again.  Its getting harder and harder to hold things together. I'm just at a loss of how to express myself anymore. The pain is so intense it feels like my mind can't even think of a way to describe anything anymore. It hurts, it hurts so much. 

There is no pain in the world like this, I gave birth and had to watch them pass in my husband's arms. I don't know what to do with myself anymore, we don't know what to do with out lives anymore. Where do you go from here? How do you put one foot in front of the other and keep moving forward. I think I'm experiencing panic attacks lately. The other day at work I couldn't breathe, I wasn't doing anything out of the norm but my chest was heavy and I felt like I had to gasp for air. I didn't say anything because I didn't want to feel stupid so I walked around and tried to get some fresh air. Not drawing any attention to myself. I thought I'd have to have someone call 911. I kept taking deep breaths until it felt easier to breath. Finally I felt normal again. I could breathe and felt ok. I was scared because it happened out of nowhere. I just think I'm in shock and mentally and physically I can't handle it anymore. We often talk about going to see a counselor but what can they do that talking to eachother doesn't do. We talk it out often. We talk about everything and we just don't see what they can do for us right now. Eventually we will see one because we believe we both have ptsd and will need help with that. 

I don't want to be social anymore. We don't have friends without children and really don't know what to do with ourselves. We spend a lot of time together and I depend on him a lot.  I just don't know anymore. I thought I'd be ok, I've done this once. I know the steps of grief however, this time feels different, feels harder. I am angry at the world and feel robbed in so many ways.   

I would like to share a photo of her. Something I don't get to do very often. This is the sweet baby girl that used to be the ninja baby that kicked me all the time and I loved each kick so much. Her father loved getting to feel them, something he never got with Emerson.  She had her father's nose <3 How badly we wanted to see them both grow up