The days leading up

Evelie's on top, Emerson's on bottom. Perfect little hands and feet 

We're now 6 days away from surgery. I've been crying on and off for a while now. Excitement and being worried about the surgery. Nothing like crying for happiness and pain at the same time. Weird. Yesterday I went through the girls' things looking for something of theirs to take with me. 

I opened the ziploc bag that Emerson's pink blanket was in. Not expecting it to still smell like her. It's been 5 years. But it did and it sent my heart into shock. One sniff and I bawled. I miss her. I miss that smell. My mind will never forget it. I've had little phantom smells of it since the day she was born. I'll be doing something and breathe in and smell it. I'll breathe quickly again, hoping it's still there but then it's gone. It's happened at home, stores, work etc. I think it's my mind playing tricks on me. But I do love that I won't forget it. I would know that smell anywhere. 

My nerves are getting the best of me. I've been too busy to worry about the tac actually working because I'm worried about going under and morphine. Worried I'll quit breathing and die. This is my very first surgery. I've never been under, never been cut open. So I'm a tad scared. 

Today's blog entry sucks. I simply can't find words to explain the emotions happening in this household lately. They are all over the place.

 Everything is confirmed, hotel reserved etc.
I'm excited about the great deal we got on the room. 510 sq ft king suite with a nice little living room area that has the tv and couch. I thought it would be nice for recovering. We have a fridge and microwave. I thought that would help cut food costs. We could save left overs or hit the grocery store instead of going out. I do want Giordano's pizza, vosges  haut chocolate and portillo's Don't know if I spelled all that correctly. Hoping to ice skate downtown the night before surgery and I hope it's not too cold outside so we can enjoy the city a little. 

I need to go find something to clear my head.