It's early Sunday morning and I'm wide awake. The house is still quiet, dark, my husband and dogs are still asleep and I'm laying in bed just thinking. We have 22 days until my transabdominal cerclage is placed. It's been a very long journey to get here and I wish nothing more than for it to not have to happen. Meaning that my girls would be here and I'd know nothing about an incompetent cervix. I wish so badly for them to be alive. And this TAC journey is pulling those types of feelings to the surface.
I am so grateful that this is an option for us and many couples. So grateful that the top doctor is in a place that's so easy for us to travel to. We didn't have to purchase expensive plane tickets, just a couple of cheap Amtrak tickets. 7 Years ago we rode the Amtrak to Chicago, a few months before we got married. With no idea that we'd be traveling it again for life changing surgery, carrying a past full of excruciating pain and hoping for a brighter future.
I'm nervous about the surgery, about going under and anesthesia. Nervous that I'll have to have c-sections for the rest of my life. But I'm so happy for the future. So happy that we may finally get to bring home a baby.
I've researched this since Evelie passed. I research too much but it's calming to me and it helped me focus on something so I could slowly handle my grief. I wasn't trying to push her out of my mind but protecting my sanity. I would grieve so heavily that I couldn't function so if I was focused on something for just a little while, it kept me alive. I wanted to know what happened with her and if there was a solution. At this point in time I think I've researched it for 1 year and almost 6 months. In May of 2012 we had a scheduled phone consultation with Dr. Haney (TAC doc) we knew it would last about an hour and from those that spoke to him before us, he'd probably answer our questions before we even had the chance to ask.
At this point in time my husband was open to talking to him but not open to trying this. I was ok with that, it's all I could ask for him to just listen. I wasn't ready for it either, but needed to know our options should we ever be surprised again. We were nervous, I knew that what this man said would paint a picture of what our future held. Either it was going to be filled with hope, or we would live a life of terrible storms just waiting for the end.
I was so excited to hear him. We had 2 phones so my husband could listen and ask questions too. I had a sheet of things I wanted to ask. But like all the others stated before, he truly answered all of them before I even had to ask. He explained to us that he was an engineer before he was a doctor, so he explained to Derrick in technical engineer talk what the tac does and how this whole thing works. Derrick loved that. It made perfect sense the way he explained it. I'm so thankful for that day. The conversation ended with such a high note. The doctor told me "you can have as many babies as you want" and I didn't have to worry about carrying multiples, because it wouldn't be a problem.
I can't tell you what that felt like for someone who feels so incredibly broken. Who had to watch her children die because her body couldn't function like it was supposed to. Who felt like this pain and the pain inflicted on those that cared for the girls, was all her fault.
My mother in law already purchased fabric to make us blankets. And I'm in love with the colors and patterns. She did that when I was pregnant with the girls too. This time we'll finally get to have our blankets, because this time we're going to bring home a baby!
I'm enjoying this morning, even with all the nervousness of upcoming surgery. I am hoping that more early mornings are ahead for us. That we'll get to the 3rd trimester and we'll have an uneventful, long, uncomfortable pregnancy. I will embrace each moment of it because we are lucky to have the option to try this again.
On Tuesday, I'll get to tell my ob our tac surgery date. She's doing a saline sono on me to make sure there is nothing in my uterus or any problems with it. She was so happy when I told her in November the plans we had. I had to make sure she felt comfortable handling my pregnancy, as she's the only one I ever want to deliver my children. She was smiling ear to ear and even had a few tears well up in her eyes. She has a friend that has a similar story and chose not to even get a transvaginal cerclage (what I had with Evelie) so I'm anxious to hear how her friend is doing as well. Hoping for a positive outcome for her. My ob didn't even hesitate to continue taking care of me during future pregnancies. She took down Dr. H's info and said she was going to get in touch with him. She's ready to learn how to do a c-section with the tac in and how to take care of me. I'm so thankful I stumbled across her a couple years ago. She's amazing!
So this morning as my house is quiet and I hear the heater and weird
morning noises, I'm going over everything in my head. Thankful for this
opportunity and for all the positive support we have. For even having
this and to get it by the top doctor. Who told me the success rate of
bringing home a full term baby, because my incompetent cervix would be
cured, was virtually 100%. I'm hoping 2013 is our year <3
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