We were waking up in Chicago one year ago today. I had those weird antibacterial wipes that I had to use all over my body to prep for surgery. I got dressed and we headed downstairs. The hotel gave my husband breakfast to go since we were leaving so early and he'd be stuck waiting at the hospital. I still think that was so thoughtful of them. Then we waited, filled with anxiety and so nervous, for our cab to arrive. We hopped in and I thought I was going to puke from the nerves.
I remember being so excited too. We were there, somehow all the hassle with the insurance company and getting a surgery date in Jan, things just fell into place. I remember watching the town at 5am as we made the 20 min ride to University of Chicago Medicine. Knowing in just minutes that I'd be meeting the man that I had been calling and exchanging emails for what felt like over a year. They called a bunch of us back, anyone who had any kind of surgery was called into the room. They put you in a little area with a curtain, ask you all sorts of questions and give you your gown and sweet shower cap looking thing. Then Derrick was allowed back and we waited. Just a few mins longer and Dr. Haney walked it. He must have just got there because he had his black wool winter coat and scarf still on. He was smiling ear to ear and I was meeting the celebrity to all of us women with incompetent cervixes. He shook our hands and still smiling he started to explain to us how he was going to help us carry a baby to term. He used Derrick's hands and wedding ring to give us a visual of what was about to happen. I felt my heart fill with hope and a sad feeling of wishing I had known to do this before. I was in that room because my daughter's didn't make it. It was a mix of emotions, they'd be here if I had known and here I was feeling guilty because I hadn't.
I felt like a ball of nerves.This was my first time going under anesthesia. I was so scared that for some odd reason I wouldn't wake up. The nurses and Dr. Haney's assistant assured me that I would be just fine.
Then it was time. I remember the anesthesiologist picking up the IV bag and helping hold my gown as Derrick and I walked in the hallway. My eyes welled up with tears. From the grief of losing my daughters to the pure happiness and gratefulness of being able to step foot in that hospital, for a life changing surgery. Then she said I could hug and kiss my husband and I just cried. I walked away and through the OR doors.
She told me how the meds would work. I jumped up on the table and she told me the meds in my IV would make me smile. I laid down and they were talking to me as the medicine was going through. I remember smiling, like she said I would and talking through the mask on my face. Before I finished my sentence (still can't remember what they asked me or what I was talking about) I was out. I woke up probably an hour or so later. I woke up so nicely out of the anesthesia, wide awake and my husband was walking in. He had just finished with Dr. Haney. I guess he called him into an office and told him how things went. Dr. Haney mentioned my uterus and ovaries "we're gorgeous" and that he had no reason to think it would take long to conceive. He mentioned my cervix was long, which made him happy. He knew I'd have no problem carrying to term. The surgery went well and I'd be in the hospital 24 hours. They wheeled me to a room and I couldn't wait to eat something. They gave me an orange and it was the best tasting thing in the world at that time. My husband couldn't help but take a photo of me devouring that orange. Then the lovely morphine pump. I felt pretty good. Woke up the next day and was dressed and up. Dr. Haney was shocked and said that's what you get with a young healthy woman, she's up, dressed and ready to go just 24 hrs after surgery. He said he's never seen someone up so fast like that in all his years. I think it was pure adrenaline :) I was a happy lady that was excited that the surgery happened. That I carry a scar that means more to me than I could ever explain.
And here we are exactly a year later.... 25 weeks 3 days pregnant. 100 days until little man's birthday and we were given the most priceless gift by an amazing doctor. A chance at a normal, full term pregnancy. I have been on my feet 40 hrs a week, shopping after work and enjoying this pregnancy. What an amazing feeling! I can't thank Dr. Haney enough for changing out lives and giving us the hope that we needed to keep moving forward. He really saved our lives and gave us the opportunity to bring another one into this world.
I had to share this today (blog link below) because her words are so true. Thankfully I'm surrounded by wonderful people who completely understand and respect my feelings and allow me to handle myself how ever I need to, to survive a situation. Those people have no idea how amazing they are! Truly compassionate, good hearted people and I love them for understanding. Also, for sharing in this amazing pregnancy. Supporting me, letting me share this with them and never holding grudges against me when I couldn't face a pregnant person.
Just because someone is happy absolutely does NOT mean someone else can't grieve. There is no time limit and it's no one's business to tell you any differently. You don't get over it, you learn to live with it. I've had so many people understand that. I'm amazed by the support and understanding from those that have never even lost a baby.
Even though I'm pregnant and passed all our milestones, I know the truth of what can happen. I envy those with the innocence left. Not thinking anything can go wrong. I still have a hard time with announcements, passing pregnant women etc. Those feelings probably will never disappear. It's been almost 8 years of this type of life, so those feelings may never go away.
I send my love to anyone who knows this feeling and I hope you are surround yourself with wonderful people.
http://stillstandingmag.com/2014/01/new-envy-rises/
This time last year I was counting down the days until we traveled to Chicago. I remember how nice it was to have hope and something happy to look forward to. Someone was going to grant me the opportunity to try again. Something that is priceless for women like me. If it wasn't for the TAC we would have ended our journey to be parents to a child on Earth after Evelie.
As I'm sitting here on New Year's day there's a sweet little baby boy that is kicking away in my belly. I've been on my feet the whole pregnancy. Something that seems like it's not such a big deal, but it truly feels amazing! Especially to a woman who had to spend her pregnancy on strict bedrest. Quick showers and only using the bathroom were allowed. The fear of standing up too long is gone. The joy of walking, shopping and soon I'll be going swimming for exercise!! Sure it's normal for other people, no big deal but I truly love it! I love that I can be up and there is no change, no issues and I feel absolutely free. Seriously no words for that feeling <3
We've passed our milestones with a cervical length of 5 (on average... at one point it was a 6!!) I believe normal is a 4 for non tac women. We're in new territory. No issues, no ER visits (there were many in Evelie's pregnancy) no contractions not even a single braxton hicks! Now this isn't as easy as I make it sound. There have been nights of crying myself to sleep because the anxiety of reliving our past, creeps in. We push through those days together. It's also difficult dealing with grief during a new pregnancy. I carry a lot of guilt. Wishing I had known to do this during Evelie's pregnancy. I could have saved her. I feel like a bad mom sometimes, when I'm happy for this little one. I'm afraid the girls will be forgotten, that we'll be too busy to do something on their birthdays or something along those lines. I've truly realized that there is no replacement for children. This baby is a different child. And though he'll be here, they will always be missing. We'd be a family of 5 but you'll only see 3 of us. The feelings during a pregnancy after loss are just too much to write about or try to explain to someone else.
The support we have is just so wonderful. This little guy has a lot of people all around the world waiting for his birthday <3 Warms my heart. SO many cheerleaders, so many involved in the pregnancy, I hope you all realize how much this has helped us. When I've had days where I thought it was nearly impossible that this was going to happen for us, there is always someone to pick me back up and talk some sense into me. That is a priceless gift that I could never thank you enough for giving me.
To all my tac sisters, you all see the anxiety in my daily questions and worry. And every time, no matter how many times you have to repeat yourself, you keep telling me what I need to hear. You keep telling me the truth and showing me evidence. You truly keep me sane. I can go to you at any time of the day and one of you will always be there. I love you ladies <3 I love the bond we have and I'm so thankful to have you all!! This little man has a lot of aunties <3
I am so ready for this year, so ready for the new chapters and experiences that are on their way. I'm loving that he has clothes in the closet and cloth diapers stacking up in the corner. I never shopped during any other pregnancy, just grabbed things and tucked them away for "someday" in hopes we'd have a baby.
I have baby wraps waiting to be used and this little man is getting spoiled by those around us before he's even here!
We're going to attend a prenatal breastfeeding class this month. I booked our birth photographer and the ladies that will encapsulate my placenta....yes, I'm doing that :) and so excited for the healthy benefits that brings!! Oh and maternity photos!! We'll have those done soon too. By the way, I seriously love our photographer! She's a sweet heart and I can't wait for her to photograph his birth <3
I am so thankful for everyone, for everything. I am enjoying this pregnancy even through the scary parts and the anxiety that comes with it. I am grateful to be in this spot. It's been a lot of work to get here but I'd go through TAC surgery a million times over, just for the chance.
I am so grateful for my husband. For learning to do my 17p shots even though I know he was so scared to have that responsibility. His poor hand was shaking the first time and like anything we do, you just push through because you know it's for baby. No second thoughts, just do it. He did, he learned to do my shots and now we don't have to travel to the doc once a week. He was actually excited to do them (even though he was nervous) because it meant he got to be involved. He's been so great. Since I work full time, he doesn't want me doing much once I get home. He does the laundry, dishes and cleans the house. Keeps the snow and ice out of the driveway so I won't fall. On the days that I feel really good I'll help out too but for the most part he's kept the house clean. Sometimes I don't think he knows how much I appreciate that. It shows me how wonderful and involved he'll be as a dad (not that I didn't already know that) He's been with me every step of the way. Through all the happiness and definitely through all the difficult days. I love that man and wouldn't want to travel this journey with anyone else. I dream of the moment when the baby is born and he gets to hold him for the first time. For once I'll get to look over and see happiness on his face when he holds his child. Not like it was in the past. He deserves that moment so much and my heart will overflow with joy and love. I can't wait for that ....I mean I can wait because it's not happening any earlier than full term, but you get what I'm saying ;)
We started our journey in 2006 and in 2014 we will achieve a dream that I thought was unreachable.
I am ready for you 2014 and all the joy you will bring. For the new experiences and responsibilities that await us.
I wish all of you a year full of happiness and blessings. As always, my heart is with my loss mommas. Still struggling at whatever point you are in your journey. I carry your babies in my heart and send you love and peace. I wish you nothing but hope and happiness as we head into another year.
