This time last year I was counting down the days until we traveled to Chicago. I remember how nice it was to have hope and something happy to look forward to. Someone was going to grant me the opportunity to try again. Something that is priceless for women like me. If it wasn't for the TAC we would have ended our journey to be parents to a child on Earth after Evelie.
As I'm sitting here on New Year's day there's a sweet little baby boy that is kicking away in my belly. I've been on my feet the whole pregnancy. Something that seems like it's not such a big deal, but it truly feels amazing! Especially to a woman who had to spend her pregnancy on strict bedrest. Quick showers and only using the bathroom were allowed. The fear of standing up too long is gone. The joy of walking, shopping and soon I'll be going swimming for exercise!! Sure it's normal for other people, no big deal but I truly love it! I love that I can be up and there is no change, no issues and I feel absolutely free. Seriously no words for that feeling <3
We've passed our milestones with a cervical length of 5 (on average... at one point it was a 6!!) I believe normal is a 4 for non tac women. We're in new territory. No issues, no ER visits (there were many in Evelie's pregnancy) no contractions not even a single braxton hicks! Now this isn't as easy as I make it sound. There have been nights of crying myself to sleep because the anxiety of reliving our past, creeps in. We push through those days together. It's also difficult dealing with grief during a new pregnancy. I carry a lot of guilt. Wishing I had known to do this during Evelie's pregnancy. I could have saved her. I feel like a bad mom sometimes, when I'm happy for this little one. I'm afraid the girls will be forgotten, that we'll be too busy to do something on their birthdays or something along those lines. I've truly realized that there is no replacement for children. This baby is a different child. And though he'll be here, they will always be missing. We'd be a family of 5 but you'll only see 3 of us. The feelings during a pregnancy after loss are just too much to write about or try to explain to someone else.
The support we have is just so wonderful. This little guy has a lot of people all around the world waiting for his birthday <3 Warms my heart. SO many cheerleaders, so many involved in the pregnancy, I hope you all realize how much this has helped us. When I've had days where I thought it was nearly impossible that this was going to happen for us, there is always someone to pick me back up and talk some sense into me. That is a priceless gift that I could never thank you enough for giving me.
To all my tac sisters, you all see the anxiety in my daily questions and worry. And every time, no matter how many times you have to repeat yourself, you keep telling me what I need to hear. You keep telling me the truth and showing me evidence. You truly keep me sane. I can go to you at any time of the day and one of you will always be there. I love you ladies <3 I love the bond we have and I'm so thankful to have you all!! This little man has a lot of aunties <3
I am so ready for this year, so ready for the new chapters and experiences that are on their way. I'm loving that he has clothes in the closet and cloth diapers stacking up in the corner. I never shopped during any other pregnancy, just grabbed things and tucked them away for "someday" in hopes we'd have a baby.
I have baby wraps waiting to be used and this little man is getting spoiled by those around us before he's even here!
We're going to attend a prenatal breastfeeding class this month. I booked our birth photographer and the ladies that will encapsulate my placenta....yes, I'm doing that :) and so excited for the healthy benefits that brings!! Oh and maternity photos!! We'll have those done soon too. By the way, I seriously love our photographer! She's a sweet heart and I can't wait for her to photograph his birth <3
I am so thankful for everyone, for everything. I am enjoying this pregnancy even through the scary parts and the anxiety that comes with it. I am grateful to be in this spot. It's been a lot of work to get here but I'd go through TAC surgery a million times over, just for the chance.
I am so grateful for my husband. For learning to do my 17p shots even though I know he was so scared to have that responsibility. His poor hand was shaking the first time and like anything we do, you just push through because you know it's for baby. No second thoughts, just do it. He did, he learned to do my shots and now we don't have to travel to the doc once a week. He was actually excited to do them (even though he was nervous) because it meant he got to be involved. He's been so great. Since I work full time, he doesn't want me doing much once I get home. He does the laundry, dishes and cleans the house. Keeps the snow and ice out of the driveway so I won't fall. On the days that I feel really good I'll help out too but for the most part he's kept the house clean. Sometimes I don't think he knows how much I appreciate that. It shows me how wonderful and involved he'll be as a dad (not that I didn't already know that) He's been with me every step of the way. Through all the happiness and definitely through all the difficult days. I love that man and wouldn't want to travel this journey with anyone else. I dream of the moment when the baby is born and he gets to hold him for the first time. For once I'll get to look over and see happiness on his face when he holds his child. Not like it was in the past. He deserves that moment so much and my heart will overflow with joy and love. I can't wait for that ....I mean I can wait because it's not happening any earlier than full term, but you get what I'm saying ;)
We started our journey in 2006 and in 2014 we will achieve a dream that I thought was unreachable.
I am ready for you 2014 and all the joy you will bring. For the new experiences and responsibilities that await us.
I wish all of you a year full of happiness and blessings. As always, my heart is with my loss mommas. Still struggling at whatever point you are in your journey. I carry your babies in my heart and send you love and peace. I wish you nothing but hope and happiness as we head into another year.
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