A moment to myself

    I have a lot of time when I'm by myself. Sometimes this is a good thing, I get time to just let my thoughts flow. I have always been a very emotional person. When I do something I put every possible emotion into it and I immerse myself in whatever it is I'm doing. I love to love, I love to care about things and people. I'm at a very wonderful spot in my life at the moment.   
     It has taken us so many years to get here, many losses (this pregnancy is our 6th pregnancy) and I'm just beyond happy right now. I have so much love for this little one. 5 years worth of love just sitting in my heart waiting for a little one to come along and with each loss that love grows even more because I know what a miracle this little one is. I catch myself crying every once in a while. I can not put into words exactly what this feels like, to wait so long that you've gotten to a point that you never think it will happen. Then by surprise you are given this chance to finally have the dream you have wished for, that you have waited for.
        I'm happy, I'm happy, I'm happy! I can't let it out enough. This is really happening. Our guest room will finally be a nursery, we will finally have toys scattered everywhere and I can't be happier to have my life change so drastically. I am so ready to give everything to this little one. I get to stop doing things for me and start doing them for someone else. No one has any idea how happy that makes me :) 

We had an ultrasound yesterday. Baby is doing great! Every single time she does an ultrasound I find my eyes searching for that heartbeat, and a rush just comes over me every single time its there. This pregnancy is flying by so fast. Before we know it baby will be here. I couldn't be more excited! Ok so there wasn't much of an update. I just had time to myself tonight with nothing else to do. I've spent hours searching for baby clothes but without a gender I don't want to purchase anything yet. I've searched nursery ideas and picked out cloth diapers but still not purchasing anything until gender is known.
I'm just happy and feel so full of love right now :) I see regular ob in 2 wks and high risk on the 30th then surgery the 5th. Updates to come from those visits

The sun shines through

       I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. All excitement is still always guarded just because we have to tackle the normal things that could go wrong with anyone's pregnancy, on top of our own problems to bring this baby here.  
        There are little days that poke through that I allow myself all the unguarded excitement in the world. I think I deserve a little every once in a while. The last couple days have been just that. 
               I have a lot of people to thank for allowing me to feel this way too. Co workers (who are some of my closest friends) taking bets on when baby will arrive and if baby is a boy or girl and even how much they will weigh. That if baby is a girl, her boyfriend is already picked out :) The talk of baby names and allowing myself to think of a future with a baby. Something I do not allow myself, I guess as a way to protect myself. No matter how much I try to guard my heart there is no way I can. I love this baby and I have from the very beginning of seeing that positive test. 
              This baby was a surprise, something as an infertile woman I never thought I'd get to say. Something I thought we'd never have. I can't tell you the feeling I had when I thought the test was going to be negative for the 5 millionth time. At this point I wasn't tracking anything and was loving life so much I was ok with a negative (well not ok but expected it by then) You can imagine how fast I jumped when the brightest line showed up. I was so busy enjoying life I didn't even know I was late yet. Something I'm happy I got to experience since the last 4 years have been pretty rough. I was so tired of tracking things, so tired of waking up at the same time every morning to take my temp to see if I was ovulating. We had come to a point in our life where we decided before it was too late for us, we'd better start learning how to live a life without a baby. We weren't getting younger and didn't want to miss out on our lives being too busy trying for something that might never happen.  I think I might have already been pregnant at the time just didn't know it. I know I will never take anything for granted. I see things so differently and I have since Emerson was born. 


I love watching birds and squirrels in my front yard, I love sitting outside in the rain and smelling the air during a storm. I have realized how special and grateful I am to be alive. The death of our daughter has taught me that no life is guaranteed, we can go at any time. I try to enjoy everything I possibly can because someday I will be gone. I apply the same to this baby. As much as I try to guard myself I can't really. I laugh at each weird craving, I enjoy dreaming of a future with a baby, thinking of turning our guest room into a nursery. Filling our house with toys and trips to grandma and grandpa's. This is something I never thought I'd get to do. 
      Something that we often take for granted just thinking you get married, you have babies because that is just what you do. I can tell you this journey has made us appreciate every  thing and I can't wait to look at my baby and appreciate every tiny thing about them. I want to spend my first moments looking over them soaking up every inch of them. From the top of their head to the very tip of their toes. I have waited 5 years for this, 5 very long painful years. I get emotional just thinking about it. I can't wait for that first cry, such music to my ears. I can't wait to get to take this one home. The first walk through the door to experience everything we never got to do with Emerson. I can't wait to finally give everything I have to someone else, to give my life to take care of someone else. I have no words to express the excitement I have. There will always be a little underlining of guarding my heart because after so many losses you can't help it but I need to let this excitement out because at this moment in time, I have a baby in there growing healthy and I'm allowed this happiness. I have no control over what happens but I've waited for so long to see a bit of sun shine through the clouds we've had for so long.   I love you baby with all that I have and I promise I will do all I can to protect you. You will grow up always knowing how much you were wanted, how hard we tried to get you here and just how loved you are by us and by everyone that has touched our lives. You are a miracle, someone a lot of people have wished and prayed for. You are one important person♥

First High Risk appt.

I'm going to try to make this as short and simple as possible. We got our ultrasound first thing which was pretty awesome because my parents got to witness it. I think they were pretty excited. She found the heartbeat and let us listen to it for a min. Then after about an hour ultrasound we had the actual appt. with the doctor.

Short and simple-he believes I have a pre term labor problem not an incompetent cervix but because the risk of doing the cerclage is little that if I wanted it and would feel more at ease to have it knowing that I've done all I can he will do it. So I'm set for surgery July 5th. They will stitch my cervix shut like a drawstring purse. I will then only be allowed to work a sit down job and they will remove it at 37wks (although muskegon doc said she'll remove it at 35 wks.) I will have to have a spinal to have the cerclage put it. I'm worried because I've never had any surgery ever. Baby looks wonderful and is measuring a week ahead but they will go by the original due date for now. It was a good appt over all and I'm glad that they don't think I have a problem with my cervix because all signs pointed to pre term labor problems which I will receive a p17 shot that will keep contractions from starting. I think that is about as simple as I can get :) I'm very open to answering any questions anyone has

Nervous

             Tomorrow we have our first appt. with the high risk doctor. We'll talk about what we are going to do to get this baby here. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared as hell. I'm worried we'll lose another one. This is something I can't go through twice. I can't watch another of my babies take their last breath in my arms. We have had so much loss when it comes to pregnancies. For us being pregnant NEVER guarantees that a baby will come home. If that was the case we'd have lots of children by  now.
              We will be discussing if I have to have a cerclage or not. To explain that simply they would stitch my cervix shut in hopes to keep it from dilating and hopefully keep baby in there full term. I'll be put on p17 shots which are a progesterone shot to keep labor from starting. I'm not sure when those start (I think 16wks thru 24wks?) I'll be put on antibiotics to ward off any infections that could put me into labor. I'm already on progesterone supplements, metformin, and baby aspirin to prevent clotting in case that had something to do with Emerson's birth.
For some reason I am so scared for my appt. I will always fear that this baby won't come home. I try to live as positive as possible. I go into every thought or conversation about this baby with nothing but positivity and when I speak of them, I speak as if they are coming home. This time they have to. Its a weird feeling to be excited but so scared because you know you are not guaranteed a thing.
I really meant to start this out positive but I can't hide being so scared. Its hard when you already love something more than life itself and you fear it will be taken away again.

To catch you up to speed

               It took us 4 years, 1 month, and 4 weeks to get to this point. Over 5 years if you count the time before Emerson. We have had many losses and much heartache. We had gotten to the point that we thought we would never have children.

     My mother dropped off a little fortune that she framed that said: "your dreams will come true when you least expect it." I had no idea how that would truly apply to us. We chuckled to ourselves about it because we thought wouldn't that be funny if that is how it worked out. Never really thinking it would work that way.

I had just lost a lot of weight, started doing things that made me happy and learned how to truly just live. I haven't been that happy in years. I had no idea I was pregnant. I just looked at the calendar one day and realized I was either late or close to being late. I woke up at 7am and Derrick needed excedrin because he had a terrible migraine. Since I was at the store for him I decided to just grab a test. I didn't get my hopes up because I was so tired of doing that.

I gave Derrick his headache meds and went to the bathroom. Before the test even finished the line was so bright there was no mistaking that there was a little bean in there. I freaked because it was a complete surprise and I was shocked! I immediately called the Dr. and since I'm high risk and have had miscarriages before they do a blood test call an Hcg beta.
 That is where they can measure the amount of pregnancy hormone (the hormone that turns a pregnancy test positive) and it gives you a number. They can tell if you have a healthy pregnancy if your number doubles in 48hrs. The past pregnancies never doubled so I was worried about my numbers. The first number came back and it was 1,194. I only needed a number between 5-500 so that was great. Although we were excited we knew in 48hrs that number had to double and that would tell us if this was a healthy pregnancy. I was a wreck for the next 48hrs. I had the draw done and the nurse called I was dying to hear the number but before she said anything she screamed "congratulations" into the phone. I knew right then we were ok. My number was 2,394 almost exactly doubled. This pregnancy was going to be ok. Finally I had numbers that were great and doubled. I never imagined I'd get to hear that
Now because of our many miscarriages I will always panic and think something is wrong. I waited a few weeks and couldn't handle it anymore so I called for an ultrasound. I was around 6wks and I needed to see a heartbeat to relax. I was a nervous wreck walking into the hospital for the ultrasound. I expected to get bad news. As she moved the wand around looking for the baby, I could see it and I could see a flicker. There was a heartbeat!!! 156 beats per minute!! We were ok but our ease of course was sort lived. When you've had losses you don't ever let go of the fear no matter how much someone tells you its ok.

We had another ultrasound yesterday and could finally tell people we were expecting. Now this is where the fun begins. Being high risk I will be going back and forth to many doctors. Thinking about it stresses me out but I know that it needs to be done to bring this baby home. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared out of my mind. We not only have to get past the first trimester but we also have to worry about the 2nd trimester because that is where our problems began with Emerson. We have to fight pre term labor and a possible incompetent cervix. We don't know if I'll need bed rest and we have no idea what the future holds for us.

But for now we will enjoy each day we have and take them one day at a time. We've made it to one little milestone so we are excited. Many more little milestones to come :)