I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. All excitement is still always guarded just because we have to tackle the normal things that could go wrong with anyone's pregnancy, on top of our own problems to bring this baby here.
There are little days that poke through that I allow myself all the unguarded excitement in the world. I think I deserve a little every once in a while. The last couple days have been just that.
I have a lot of people to thank for allowing me to feel this way too. Co workers (who are some of my closest friends) taking bets on when baby will arrive and if baby is a boy or girl and even how much they will weigh. That if baby is a girl, her boyfriend is already picked out :) The talk of baby names and allowing myself to think of a future with a baby. Something I do not allow myself, I guess as a way to protect myself. No matter how much I try to guard my heart there is no way I can. I love this baby and I have from the very beginning of seeing that positive test.
This baby was a surprise, something as an infertile woman I never thought I'd get to say. Something I thought we'd never have. I can't tell you the feeling I had when I thought the test was going to be negative for the 5 millionth time. At this point I wasn't tracking anything and was loving life so much I was ok with a negative (well not ok but expected it by then) You can imagine how fast I jumped when the brightest line showed up. I was so busy enjoying life I didn't even know I was late yet. Something I'm happy I got to experience since the last 4 years have been pretty rough. I was so tired of tracking things, so tired of waking up at the same time every morning to take my temp to see if I was ovulating. We had come to a point in our life where we decided before it was too late for us, we'd better start learning how to live a life without a baby. We weren't getting younger and didn't want to miss out on our lives being too busy trying for something that might never happen. I think I might have already been pregnant at the time just didn't know it. I know I will never take anything for granted. I see things so differently and I have since Emerson was born.
I love watching birds and squirrels in my front yard, I love sitting outside in the rain and smelling the air during a storm. I have realized how special and grateful I am to be alive. The death of our daughter has taught me that no life is guaranteed, we can go at any time. I try to enjoy everything I possibly can because someday I will be gone. I apply the same to this baby. As much as I try to guard myself I can't really. I laugh at each weird craving, I enjoy dreaming of a future with a baby, thinking of turning our guest room into a nursery. Filling our house with toys and trips to grandma and grandpa's. This is something I never thought I'd get to do.
Something that we often take for granted just thinking you get married, you have babies because that is just what you do. I can tell you this journey has made us appreciate every thing and I can't wait to look at my baby and appreciate every tiny thing about them. I want to spend my first moments looking over them soaking up every inch of them. From the top of their head to the very tip of their toes. I have waited 5 years for this, 5 very long painful years. I get emotional just thinking about it. I can't wait for that first cry, such music to my ears. I can't wait to get to take this one home. The first walk through the door to experience everything we never got to do with Emerson. I can't wait to finally give everything I have to someone else, to give my life to take care of someone else. I have no words to express the excitement I have. There will always be a little underlining of guarding my heart because after so many losses you can't help it but I need to let this excitement out because at this moment in time, I have a baby in there growing healthy and I'm allowed this happiness. I have no control over what happens but I've waited for so long to see a bit of sun shine through the clouds we've had for so long. I love you baby with all that I have and I promise I will do all I can to protect you. You will grow up always knowing how much you were wanted, how hard we tried to get you here and just how loved you are by us and by everyone that has touched our lives. You are a miracle, someone a lot of people have wished and prayed for. You are one important person♥
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