Nervous

             Tomorrow we have our first appt. with the high risk doctor. We'll talk about what we are going to do to get this baby here. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared as hell. I'm worried we'll lose another one. This is something I can't go through twice. I can't watch another of my babies take their last breath in my arms. We have had so much loss when it comes to pregnancies. For us being pregnant NEVER guarantees that a baby will come home. If that was the case we'd have lots of children by  now.
              We will be discussing if I have to have a cerclage or not. To explain that simply they would stitch my cervix shut in hopes to keep it from dilating and hopefully keep baby in there full term. I'll be put on p17 shots which are a progesterone shot to keep labor from starting. I'm not sure when those start (I think 16wks thru 24wks?) I'll be put on antibiotics to ward off any infections that could put me into labor. I'm already on progesterone supplements, metformin, and baby aspirin to prevent clotting in case that had something to do with Emerson's birth.
For some reason I am so scared for my appt. I will always fear that this baby won't come home. I try to live as positive as possible. I go into every thought or conversation about this baby with nothing but positivity and when I speak of them, I speak as if they are coming home. This time they have to. Its a weird feeling to be excited but so scared because you know you are not guaranteed a thing.
I really meant to start this out positive but I can't hide being so scared. Its hard when you already love something more than life itself and you fear it will be taken away again.