"call me Mara"

I am very much bitter today. At work I watched a father with his daughters and though I used to smile and my heart would explode at images like that. They now break my heart into a million pieces. I will never see those images instead the images I have are of my husband crying out "why, why again" as our 2nd child was born and the doctor held her in her hands. It was like a horrifying scene out of a movie. I have watched my husband (not once but twice) fall to his knees, begging and crying as his children were born. I will never see him hold them and smile, no joy was ever felt. I watched him cry as he held his daughters. I'm bitter that I will never have those pictures, I will never see him hold his daughters with such happiness. I'm so bitter for him, so very bitter that he will never experience that with them. I am mad at the world. Our only pictures are of sadness. I miss them so much today, so much heartache and the holidays blow. They have since Emerson was born but we thought we'd have some happiness this year. Its so hard to be happy. I can laugh and be numb and act like all is right in the world, but inside its falling apart and will be for a long time. I can't buy picture frames that say "family" we're not a family, we're just the 2 of us. The way its been for the last 6 years. I can't even write tonight, I'm so hurt. I will share with you the photos we do have. I remember someone saying that people only take photos of happy things, never sad. They are wrong, these photos are sad but had they not been taken I would have nothing of my daughter. 

To be honest I thought about putting a warning about the pictures. Normally people do, however I don't think these are disturbing. They are sad, this is life, this is what happens to some people and I am not ashamed of her, she was beautiful and she is my daughter.