Water bottles

     I am not ashamed to admit I've done and still do weird things in the name of grief. Most recently had to do with some water bottles. Most of you know I was on bedrest, that didn't always mean I was in bed. It was on the couch too. However I drank water like crazy and had bottles everywhere I went. More than one so I wouldn't have to get up too much. Well at night I'd have them on my table next to the bed. I had 3 of them the night my water broke. They weren't empty, most half full. They stayed there because we were in the hospital, so when I got home from losing Evelie they were still there. I refused to throw them away, along with some other things. Until recently, my husband had no idea I was attached to them. No idea why I wasn't throwing them away. Sunday night, we weren't getting along the greatest (grief does that sometimes) We were just silent to eachother no arguing, just not talking. He decided to clean and I wasn't paying attention. He picked up my bottles and dumped them into the sink. As soon as I heard the water in the sink, I jumped up so fast because I had a bad feeling those were my bottles. He stood there dumping my water. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't even muster the words to tell him to stop. I just dropped to the floor crying. Then he knew, he knew what those bottles were. My heart was broken, I don't know why I couldn't let them go, I just knew I wasn't ready to dump them. I was mad at him, I wasn't thinking about anything but how angry I was. I knew he didn't mean it, but I was hurt and angry and he was there to take it out on. I didn't speak to him, I ran into the bedroom and that's where I stayed until I fell asleep for the night. 

I've been busy with work this week so I hadn't paid much attention to the kitchen or anything. Until just now I did some dishes (I've done them since Sunday but guess I wasn't paying attention) I looked to the left of the sink and my three bottles are there. My husband must have felt bad and he didn't throw them away. However, for some reason now that the water is gone I don't want them. I'm still mad that the water is gone and they've moved from the night stand that they've been on since August.  But even being empty I could not pick them up and throw them away. I guess I know why and how some hoarders start. I know those bottles are silly, they are just plain water bottles, with no meaning to anyone but me. I'm not even sure what their meaning is to me. I guess I'm not ready to let her go or anything I touched while I was pregnant. So next to the kitchen sink, my 3 water bottles will stay. I still have a rose that my parents bought while we were in the hospital. The day the doctor said she thought all was ok and my they didn't think my water broke. My parents bought a pink rose and on the card it said it was our good news rose. I think they threw the card away after she passed away but we kept the flower and that flower is dead and wilted in my kitchen in the same exact water it was in months ago. That is another item, I can't part with.

I think I hold onto them because it makes me feel closer to her or that I really was pregnant and at that moment in time I was happy. Those silly items are happiness and I'm not ready to part with them. So even though I'm upset that they were moved and they're no longer half empty, I will not move them. They are still my bottles, so for now my empty water bottles will stay next to the sink as a symbol of my husband understanding that I needed those. I love him for silently leaving them after realizing what they meant. Even though we weren't getting along at the time, he could have thrown them away out of spite, but he didn't. He couldn't put the water back but he left the bottles. My heart needs those bottles.