Although every single time I breathe and every second of the day I miss my kids, its very hard during the holidays. This year especially as Emerson would be 4 and little Ms. Evelie would only be a few weeks old or I'd still be pregnant. Instead my husband and I are lonely again this year. I'm tired of being that lonely couple that's been married for 6 years and they still have no children. I want my kids. I want the house filled with laughter, I want my little sidekick helping me bake. I want this house filled with happiness, little tiny snowboots and mittens scattered by the front door. Wet snowy clothes strung from the door to Emerson's bedroom. And when we bake my kitchen would have flour everywhere. Instead its just me today, baking alone. Not pregnant, no 4 year old. Just me, trying to fill my time and head with so much stuff that I can't possibly feel sad. No matter how hard I try, that never works. Its impossible to push it away. Forever, for the rest of my life there is 2 giant holes in my heart that can't and won't be filled with anything. They'll be missing from my life forever, from each thing I do. I still can't believe this happened to us twice. I thought Evelie would make it, we did all we could. The doctors did all they could.
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