New Years is anything but happy this year among all the other holidays. Jan 1st was my due date. If (by some kind of strange miracle) we were able to make it to Jan 1st or even over due, we were excited to start the new year out the best we could ever think possible. However, here we are again. This year, like the past 4 years, will suck. I'm so tired of this life. So sick of hating pregnancy/baby stuff. I'm tired of this feeling and I hate that I know this is how our life will be until our time is done. I'm sick of being asked what our plans are for the evening. I don't have any, and I don't want any. I have not a thing to be excited about and nothing to celebrate.
I wish I could rewind and fix everything. I forget what life was like before all of this. We had one year of wedded bliss before this terrible pain started. We don't remember what it felt like to not have a care in the world.
I'm thankful to have a husband that is so open about this stuff with me. This kind of loss puts a lot of strain on a marriage but it helps to talk about it together, when we can. We tried watching "the other women" together and it broke my heart when my husband asked for me to turn it off. It was too much for him to handle. I like to watch movies that deal with loss, it makes me feel a bit normal. To know someone feels the way I do. He, however said that he was bothered by it. The women in the movie heard many hurtful things about the baby she lost. Stupid things people said to her. Derrick said this bothered him because if it was in the movie that means people thought about it, have heard it said to them or someone they know. Meaning that people really do view your loss as nothing much and a baby isn't really a person. He said that stuff hurt him to much to hear. Knowing that people in our lives could feel that way. After all, someone thought enough about it to put it in a movie. So we shut it off and I tried to finish it alone when he was at work.
There is so much that goes with this life as the kind of parents we are. There isn't really a word for us. Sometimes I find it to hard to write here. I've gotten pretty good at going to work, forgetting this is my life that when I sit down to pull out what I'm feeling, it gets too overwhelming. Right now all I feel is I don't want this life. This time it's just too hard. Too hard to be that childless couple, too hard to be the couple that has to do this twice. Too hard to pick out a headstone, too hard to accept they aren't coming back. Just plain and simple, too hard.
Nothing will fix it, nothing makes me feel better. I'm angry that I watch my husband watch others with their kids and knowing he will never have those experiences. I have those same problems. Anyways, I don't really know where I'm going with this but I can't imagine anything great happening in 2012. We no longer have anything to look forward to. We fill our days will silly stupid things to pass the time. We don't know what else to do.
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