Just one of many bad days

   Today after wrapping presents, I sat down to relax and I just lost it. Sometimes when you finally slow down, reality hits. My babies are gone. I know they existed but tonight I needed some kind of proof. So I typed Evelie's name into google, just to see it. To see something show up but then I realized that wasn't what I should have done. All that pops up is her obituary. I just sat and cried. She existed but she's dead. A word I prefer not to use, I'd rather hear "passed away." However tonight I'm angry. I'm angry she's gone. She brought so much hope, so much happiness into our lives. I will never forget how excited her father was for her. He deserves that happiness. This Christmas should be the happiest of our lives. Can't believe we were so close, so close to bringing her home. So close to painting a nursery, so close to happiness. Tonight I'm wondering how I do this, how I keep breathing. How I'm a mother of 2 children that are gone.  Life has lost so much meaning. We had so much to look forward to. We used to mark each week by the passing of Sunday, looked forward to each Doctor appt. and looked forward to Tuesdays when they would measure my cervical length and we held our breath until they said it was a good length. This still feels like a dream. I keep wishing some how I'll wake up and she'll be here. I imagine being able to squeeze her cheeks, and hold her so tight. I just want to touch her again.

It hurts to know what your life should be and having it fall so short of what you wanted. Now we find silly things to bring us happiness, something to keep up breathing. I hate that, I hate that it what our life has come to. I don't want silly little things that are just distractions until I grow old and pass away. This isn't the life I wanted. I'm angry that this is mine now. We will always be THAT couple, the childless couple. The ones that only have each other. The ones that have no idea what its like to pick their child up from kindergarten. The ones where the dad has never changed a diaper in his life and at one time was so excited to try cloth diapering. The ones that know the pain of infertility and will always cringe at the pregnancy announcements and little children the age theirs should have been. The ones that try to fill their life with something to take up their time until they die. Sometimes I wish I would have pushed the Doctors harder, told them more than I did that I wasn't giving up. I don't want to be here without my kids. Today is hard, every day is hard. 

I miss them. I miss them more than anyone will ever know. I remember what each daughter smelled like. I remember Emerson moving her hand when she was born. Something I wish I would have captured on video camera, but obviously wasn't thinking of anything like that. I remember everything. I wish I could erase the images of watching my children dying. I wish I never had to see their last breath. I wish we were lucky people, I wish this never happened. And sometimes, in my deepest, darkest days I wish I never got pregnant. Not that I don't love them, never EVER question that! Its just this pain is so hard, that the pain of never getting pregnant would be easier to handle than this. I wish, that wishes really did come true.  

Every once in a while I go through their totes and look at all their things. Both their blankets that they were wrapped in right after birth are in a plastic ziploc, It holds their smell in there. I only open it on really bad days because I'm afraid if I do it too much, one day the smell will be done. I do this when my husband isn't home. I can't handle the look on his face when he sees their things. Its too much for me to handle. Especially Evelie's things. He got to bond with her a lot. He felt her kicks, something he never got to do with Emerson. She brought a lot of happiness. She was that rainbow after the storm. Its a lot to handle, your own pain then watching your husband go through it too. It feels like a lot of weight. I feel responsible for a lot of people's pain. Something I can't explain to anyone, that's just how I feel. Life moves forward, but I'm not ready for it to. I'm afraid it will move too fast and some day I'll forget what they looked like, or how they smelled. I'm afraid when I'm older my memory will go and I'll never remember them at all. The only thing I have to hold on to is the hope of being able to see them one day. If that doesn't exist, I'm not sure what I will do. 

I hate that I know I've had days like this before, will have them in the future for the rest of my life. When I was younger, this was not the life I envisioned. I thought I'd get married and have babies just like anyone else and we'd live happily ever after.....not even close.