You got a dream, you got to protect it. People can't do something themselves, they want to tell you that you can't do it. You want something? Go get it! Period.

       There's always going to be negative that comes with us and pregnancy topics. This is one of the reasons we were going to keep the surgery quiet. Obviously couldn't because we have to tell our jobs. And if co-workers know, family should as well etc. And sometimes I get excited and I should be allowed, just like anyone else, to share their excitement. However, that has proved to bite me in the ass already.

       I believe my husband and I are allowed to be nervous and scared but I do not like when others express their nervousness or say negative things to us. We can worry enough on our own and your comments only add stress to us. Thanks for believing in us and my broken body :/..... I'd appreciate it if you'd keep those thoughts to yourself. I am not ignorant on this subject, I did not spend every hour of the last year researching this and going forward with it without knowing everything I possibly could. I did not seek out the top tac doctor for nothing. I would not go forward with another pregnancy if I didn't think it would work. I don't plan on losing children and wouldn't move towards this if I had any thought in my mind that we would. I know all the facts, I know the "consumer reports" on this surgery, you do not and if you think this won't work, then go ahead and keep that to yourself. Yes, I realize (obviously) that we have had nothing but loss but that doesn't mean that my entire life will be loss. I don't want to be treated differently than any other pregnant person you know.

So after a comment I received I will not be sharing pregnancy news with anyone. I am shocked that they said it. Thanks for pointing out that I'm broken, that you obviously have no confidence in the choice we are making and you aren't expecting this to work. Wow. Now I work on forgetting what you said and trying not to be angry with you. I will keep this between my husband and I and will not share our excitement with anyone because of comments like this.  I'm angry that for once, we can't be looked at as the couple who will bring a baby home. I'm sick of people being nervous when we announce pregnancies. I get it, I know we lost a lot but geez let us enjoy the time we have during pregnancy. We worry enough for ourselves, I don't need your stress too.

Now I'm going to ignore this, going to move forward and be excited for the upcoming surgery! I am excited and it's not that far away!!!!

Learn from the past, set vivid, detailed goals for the future, and live in the only moment of time over which you have any control: now.

     7 Years. 6 pregnancies. No living children and a lifetime of heartache. We have spent our entire marriage either pregnant or preparing for a pregnancy. This means we didn't make plans for anything else, just in case we were. Sometimes I look back and feel sad that we haven't been anything other than the couple trying for a baby, or losing them. We've missed out on a lot and though my heart aches for the experiences we've missed in life, vacations we never took, I wouldn't change it. Because there isn't a vacation worth the vacation we'll be taking in Jan.

In May of this year we had a phone consultation with Dr. Haney in Chicago. I had it set up in April and patiently waited for that day. May 17th, I was so excited I forgot they were in a different time zone and called an hour early. I waited another hour and then with my husband on the 2nd line, we were connected to Dr. Haney. A conversation that I will never forget. Filled with nothing but positive things and the phrase I hold dear "Sabrina, you will be able to have as many babies as you want." You mean, I won't be broken anymore? How is this so? How is this surgery going to give me virtually 100% success rate? Well it has for many women and it can for me too. He told me he could tell me all day it will work for me, but he knows after loss that I don't believe doctors, and he said women with similar pasts, don't either. He told me to check "consumer reports" and I have, every single day since then. I am on a fb page and a yahoo group of women with tacs and there are well over 100 women on there. The ones with Haney Tacs (transabdominal cerclages) have had successful pregnancies. It is unexplainable to see those photos, of women just like me holding living, full term children and most have had no bedrest. If there is any bedrest, it usually has nothing to do with the cervix but other pregnancy stuff. 

I imagine every day of my life what a happy birth will feel like. I only know how the births of our daughters were. Watching my husband fall to the ground screaming "no" is something I wish I could forget and erase from his mind. Having to watch them breathe until their bodies could no long fill their lungs with air. I wish no parent on Earth knew the feeling of letting their children go. After speaking to Dr. Haney, I have imagined the operating room, where Dr. Tryska will deliver our baby and where for the first time in our life, they will hand Derrick a screaming, full term baby with lungs filled with so much air. Where he won't know anything but happiness for that moment. I cry every single time I dream of this. 7 years of trying to get to that point. A transvaginal cerclage surgery, all the fear, the many er visits, waiting to see a second line on a test, the roller coaster of emotions and there was one time that I was crossing my fingers that there wasn't a 2nd line (Something a infertile women would never dream of.) Only because I was too scared it would end in another loss.  I can't explain to you all the feelings and emotions we've been through. 

All of that is coming to a close. It feels like another page is being turned. I have waited 6 months to start the process of getting the tac. And we are so close. I was told I'd have a Jan surgery date and then whatever life brings us, we will handle it one day at a time. So for all the vacations we missed out on taking in case I was pregnant, or because I had to do bedrest. None of them will compare to the one we are taking to Chicago. Where I plan on ice skating with my husband in Millennium park and enjoying every second we have together. I will be nervous to go under and nervous to be operated on and most of all, nervous for the future but I will enjoy Chicago with my husband and dream of the future with a happy birth and a full term baby. Never will I forget the 2 children we brought into this world. The 2 that will be missing from every family photo, every family function, every moment of our lives and who Derrick will never walk down the aisle. But I hope to be that success story that helps another woman who feels like I do, who feels like she's the medical mystery, feels broken and can't give her husband a child or her parents living grandchildren. I want her to read my story and know that she has a chance. And that someday she'll hear those cries, and her baby will be crying for her. Not her staying up at night, crying for her babies. 

I'm trying to hold on to each positive thing in my mind, each success story I've read and all the emails from Dr. Haney telling me this will work. I am thankful to that man for repeatedly telling me this will happen, a baby will come home with us. For answering emails even though he's extremely busy. And most importantly, for performing a surgery that gives thousands of women the opportunity to bring home a baby.

Right now, I have waited 169 days, only 11 more to go and I can send my surgery forms in, receive a date that I'll be getting my tac and my next countdown begins.  I hope with every thing in my body that this is it for us. I fear of what may happen if we endure another loss, but I dream of a future where for once a birth is a happy thing and not a huge tragedy. For now, I am living in the moment of time over which I have any control: now.

Some things I feel like I need to clear up

I feel like there are a few misunderstanding about my pregnancies that I'd like to clear up. 


I was healthy, I have a bad cervix, that is it. My weight was not normal but I was healthy. Blood pressure etc was completely normal. 

My children were extremely healthy. NOTHING and I mean absolutely nothing, was wrong with them. They came early due to my cervix not being strong enough to stay closed because of the normal weight of the baby and the water. If my cervix was normal, my children would be here. That should be obvious since they both held on at such a young age. Being able to live an hour and Evelie being able to continue to live without any water for 14 days and make it through the birth and live almost 2 hours after birth. They were strong babies!

They were not miscarriages. I gave birth just like any full term mother does. I had labor, I felt pain just like any mother and they were born just like any other baby. I do know what it feels like to have a natural birth. My experience was just the same, except too soon and they didn't live.

I don't want people to think that if the next pregnancy is full term it's because I'm now "healthy" Health has nothing to do with your cervical function. For whatever reason I was born with a bad cervix. You can damage your cervix but that isn't the case with me. I didn't have any procedures done to it in the past to cause the weakness. I simply was born with it. Again, there was nothing wrong with my kids, their heartbeats were strong and they were strong. 

There, I've said what I needed to say. If there are any questions, I will be happy to answer them.

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.”

     I'm nervous for my future. Nervous of so many things. The thought of taking the next step in my future has me scared and tears well up when I think about it. If I don't do this, we have no chance of children. The last time I felt this much fear was when they were wheeling me to the OR for my transvaginal cerclage. I felt my heart in my throat and the only thing that kept me on that table was knowing I was doing all I could for that baby who was peacefully growing in my tummy. You don't know fear until your water breaks at 20 weeks and your child is hanging on for her life with no water. Knowing that at any minute her heart could stop or you could go into labor and her life would end. Knowing that her life will end even though she's so healthy, but your body can't do what it's meant to do. That is fear. Not so intense as it once was because there isn't a child inside me. But because I fear the unknown and fear that it will happen again. I fear surgery, anesthesia and c-sections. I grieve my children, I grieve the natural birth I always wanted and I grieve the life that was supposed to be.

Fear is powerful. I find it stopping me in my tracks daily. But the need to have a "normal" life, the need to give my husband the chance to father children is so great that I'm putting myself through a surgery that I'm so extremely scared to do. The only thing letting me move forward and not scaring me out of this, is knowing many women who have their dreams after this terrible life we've all been given. I can't think of  a life without children and my husband often tells me he can't live without being a parent. What a terrible feeling, knowing you are responsible for not only your pain but for your husband's pain. So many emotions right now. So much stuff coming up in the next few months. It's overwhelming and I cry daily from the amount of stress and grief. It's a difficult thing to try this all over again. I'm not sure I'm ready for it but I'm not getting younger and this is the only chance I have left. 

Someday I hope to tell our children how much we love them and all that we had to go through to get them. I wish every day of my life that I knew what it was like to get pregnant and have no worries and know that at the end of 9 months a baby would come home. I would never wish this condition on my worst enemy. I have never struggled so hard for anything in my life. I dream of the simple life we had before this. I wonder what our problems and struggles in our life would be if we never had to bury our children. Life would be simple and easy. The worst thing would be getting up early and I laugh at that. Really, how easy life would be if it weren't this way. What would we really get upset over? We will never know that because we carry the death of our daughters with us until we die. Nothing will ever fix that, we will never forget them and life will never be the same.

“There’s no secret to balance. You just have to feel the waves”

   There will always be waves of grief. There has been for 5 years, now there is 2 reasons for the waves. Feels like it's all the time. I get a couple "good" days and then the waves. I can feel them coming, but you really can't do anything to stop them. No matter our plans for the future, these waves will be there and it's my little moment where I miss my daughters so much, and its that moment where it creeps into my heart. I do great at keeping it out for a long time, because it's really too much to handle. I saw a little girl wearing a onesie that I registered for. Evelie should be wearing that. She should be here.

It's watching a young dad with a baby the age of Evelie, pushing the shopping cart talking to her. That should be my husband. It isn't and never was. He never got that. I'm angry he hasn't. I'm angry that people don't think he hurts. They talk to him when they don't want to tell my announcements. As if he doesn't feel this pain. He was very involved, never missed an appointment of mine, never missed anything. Once he could feel Evelie move, his hand was constantly on my belly.

Today is a wave, a big one. One I don't want to allow in, it hurts too much. What I would give to hold them one more time. What I really want is to keep them, to have them here and watch them grow. I know that wish will never come true. I've wished it everyday for the last 5 years. Here we are dreading Evelie's first birthday. This last year has been hell, and it wasn't supposed to be. It was supposed to be the best year of our lives. Again. I still can't believe we are doing this again. A double headstone of our only children. Something is extremely wrong with that. I'm angry. I watch people disappear. When I play the happy, positive card they are everywhere but when you put something out there that isn't positive, that's real it's like they hide. They don't know what to say or do. They run and I'm not sure why.

Today's just a bad day. I have a long list of things to check off before we can start towards our goal. It won't fix our past and I hate that we have this past. I'm just trying to find us both happiness. Something to live for again, something to smile about.

“You can cut all the flowers but you cannot keep Spring from coming.”

   I don't write much anymore. Sometimes I have lots of stuff to say but no ambition to sit and get it out. Sometimes it's the writing it out that hurts so I just don't do it. We're getting closer to what would have been Evelie's 1st birthday. I don't really think about it much. I don't want to. Had one decision been made, she would be here and I hold a painful grudge against my perinatologists for that. Something I have to learn how to cope with for the rest of my life. 

   However, today I feel strong. I am filled with ridiculous amounts of hope. Of hope for a happy future. Although it will always be lined with pain. I am trying my hardest to handle things the way I would, if I got to watch my daughters grow up. Handle things the way I would want them to watch me do. I am in control of my life and no matter how much I feel like people rub things in my face or no matter how painful life is, I will make my life the way I want it. It will not end here.

   I am so grateful for my husband. He has given me my hope back, the little glimmer of happiness. It's like I see a twinkle at the end of this extremely long tunnel. The pain we have endured is excruciating and even with days passing, the pain won't stop. It just gets manageable. We have an extremely intimate relationship. Going through what we have has put us on a level of closeness that I never imagined possible. I wouldn't want that with anyone else.

   I am excited (to say the least) of what the future holds for us. We have been busy with things, goals that we need to hit. I'm glad for the things we've been doing. They keep me busy and get us one step closer to our happiness.   We've made a very important step, one of many. The next 6 months, I'm hoping they pass quickly. I'm ready to get back to living. Get back to happiness and begin a new chapter. I have met with people, talked with one over the phone. One that has made a huge impact on my life. I owe him for giving my husband and I hope. Something that sounds so tiny, just hope, has a very large impact on your soul when you feel like your life is pure crap. I don't know how I could ever thank him. I know I'm being vague, and I apologize for that. I just don't wish to share everything because of negative comments. We don't need them and I won't live that way. We know what our future holds, we've educated ourselves and sadly lots of people just don't understand. That's ok, I don't need them too, I don't need anything from anyone. I have my husband and I've spent many hours of research, phone calls etc. I am very aware of what is going on. 

I remember a statement my father said to me. He said "You have always gone out and got what you wanted. You wanted to move out, you did. You wanted to get married, you put it all together and did. Anything you've ever wanted you've worked at and accomplished. You are independent." I never thought of myself like that. But I'm trying to live up to that. I have a goal in my sight, and I will get it.

 My biggest accomplishment isn't far from my grasp. I have studied and educated myself hours on end and was complimented by an extremely intelligent individual who told me "I've never met a patient so educated about these topics" It's my life. I do not go into something without trying to learn everything I possibly can about it. I do not live with a condition that I know nothing about. I live with a condition that I know lots about. I am my own advocate. I never stop trying to learn. Today I am filled with a tiny bit of happiness and a gigantic amount of hope. And the best thing about it, my husband feels the same way. We are in this together. I am excited for our future. I am about to put my mind, body and soul through hell. Especially my body. Nothing physical will ever hurt as much as watching your husband hold your children as they take their last breath and gasp for air that can't fill their lungs. Nothing physical could ever inflict the pain that those images inflict on my heart and soul. I can do this. I will do this. This is nothing compared to what we've been through. And at the end of the day, I will know this is worth it. Today I feel strong, empowered and not a single person can take that from me. My children have changed me and although the way it happened isn't at all what I wished for, I live for them. They have made me a better person. Our experience has taught me to love deeper and when you feel happy, you feel it on a completely new level. When I feel an emotion, I feel it so much deeper than I did before my kids. My eyes have been opened. This quote is the easiest way to explain it "He who has felt the deepest grief is best able to experience supreme happiness" Now obviously I am not happy that what happened, happened. However, I know I feel in a way that some won't ever feel.

"We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot."  Eleanor Roosevelt.

I'm going to do something I thought I never could. It won't fix the pain from the past but I will go forward with that pain. I will carry it with me every day of my life. I will learn to love a deeper love and be thankful for things others take for granted. I will soak in each moment and learn to love life again.

“to love life, to love it even
when you have no stomach for it
and everything you've held dear
crumbles like burnt paper in your hands,
your throat filled with the silt of it.
When grief sits with you, its tropical heat
thickening the air, heavy as water
more fit for gills than lungs;
when grief weights you like your own flesh
only more of it, an obesity of grief,
you think, How can a body withstand this?
Then you hold life like a face
between your palms, a plain face,
no charming smile, no violet eyes,
and you say, yes, I will take you
I will love you, again.”
― Ellen Bass

One of my blessings

I may have lots of pain from the loss of my children but I can still see the wonderful things in my life. My husband.

I am amazed by him every day. I want to tell your about the most recent situation. We take lots of walks together. It gives us time to talk and our best, deepest discussions happen during our walks. I don't know what made me think of it but I started talking about something that has been on my mind lately. I told him what I've learned about leaving your infant son whole. Not circumcising your son when he's born. Now normally he would argue that with me. Tell me how we should do it because that's just what you do. Or be upset that I'm bringing up future children. He did neither.

I told him the many reasons I am against it. Had I not been educated and cared enough to research it, I would have never known. I was surprised that when I brought it up, he was so open minded. He just started asking questions and wanting to know all I've learned. At the end of the conversation he agreed, if we ever have a son he will not be circumcised. He will come home whole, completely how he should be.

I am happy with the new things I'm doing in my life, my healthy lifestyle, trying to do all natural and now learning why to leave your son's whole.

I am very happy to have a husband so open minded, so willing to learn and take in all the facts before making a decision. 

I am one lucky girl. Things may not be perfect but I am beyond lucky to share this life with someone who sticks by my side through thick and thin. I love him more than he could know.

Some things I've been dealing with

   I just read a blog post from baby center that was all about miscarriage and how you can't compare it to the loss of a baby. While I do not agree with the things she has said. I will tell you my feelings on this subject. But please know, they are MY feelings. The feelings that have come from my experiences. I ask that you do not take this the wrong way. I'm afraid some might.  

I've had my losses compared to many things. A big one is someone's divorce. Burying my children is nothing like a divorce. I don't know how you could possibly put those two in the same category. My mind is blown each time this one person compares her divorce to me burying my kids. It's insulting to me.

I've also had my daughter's deaths compared to miscarriages. I understand the pain of an early miscarriage, I've been there 4 times. However, I will tell you that giving birth to my girls, watching them breathe and then watching them pass is no where close to my early miscarriages. I am in no way lessening the pain of an early miscarriage. I grieved those babies but having an early miscarriage isn't close at all (for me). My early miscarriages were painful, I carry emotional scares from a couple of them. Had I never had my girls, my miscarriages would be the worst pain I've ever felt. But after having them, their loss is the worst I have ever felt. I'm not saying my miscarriages didn't hurt. They were painful. I cried, I grieved for what was supposed to be. I remember due dates, one even sharing the same as Evelie, a year exactly to the date. Jan 1st 2011 and Evelie was Jan 1st 2012.

I remember in one of my miscarriages knowing from my numbers not doubling that this baby wasn't going to make it. I found that out at 4 weeks, I then had to walk around for another 7 weeks to wait to naturally miscarry that baby. Never knowing at what point they stopped developing. I was 11 weeks pregnant. I would slowly start to bleed, then in the middle of the night one day,I began contractions. That was a traumatic thing for my husband and I. I had to wake him up and he rubbed my lower back while all our hopes and dreams and our tiny baby would leave this world. It had taken us a long time to get pregnant with the first baby after Emerson, it also took us a long time to get pregnant with each pregnancy between the girls. Only to have all of our hope and dreams shattered. I know the pain of infertility, miscarriage and infant loss.

I am in NO WAY saying that early miscarriages are not painful, or not worth grieving. They are! I've been through 4, and they are extremely painful, emotionally and physically. In my experience the pain of my girls are worse to me. That is my experience. I had 2 of the most traumatically terrifying births. My second one being traumatic on a different level. So bad that I can't even repeat or share with you the graphic things that we had to go through. Both experiences are painful, for me the births of my daughters are so much harder for me to handle. Had I never got pregnant with them, my miscarriages would be the worst pain in the world. The article I read was basically saying how they shouldn't be grieved because they were not babies, they were ideas. I do NOT agree with that comment at all. All of my losses were babies, all of them with hopes and dreams and dates for us to remember. All of them, we dreamed about, what they would look like, boy or girl etc. They were all painful, but to me and my experiences they were painful and traumatic on different levels. The birth of my daughters, do not compare to my miscarriages and the birth of my girls is not comparable to someone's divorce.

I had to bury my children, had to buy a headstone, had to watch them die. A divorce is splitting from a person, not burying them, seeing them breathe and seeing them die. 

I have a world of pain. It is mine and I have to carry it. My miscarriages were extremely painful and there just isn't words for the loss of my girls. I do think everyone has the right to grieve, for as long as they need to, however they need to and for whatever they need to. Also in a way, anyone's loss can't be compared to anyone else's either. Each of us have a different story, each with different pain. My pain is the worse I've ever felt. Someone else's is the worst they've been through. Each pain is different. I still, however, think you can't compare a divorce to the death of someone. A breakup is nothing like a death. I know this is probably so contradictory, but it isn't black and white.

I'm also dealing with people throwing religious stuff out of their mouth that is just not comforting to me. So many hurtful comments. How this is God's plan, everything happens for a reason etc. Lately, I have lost my fuse with this. I got into an argument with a women at work who thought she knew why this happened to me. Normally, I would have just sat there and listened to her and never said a word. I've even done that with her before. However, I'm so done with taking it. I feel like I've been through enough and I don't have to keep my mouth shut. If they get to say something to me about my loss, I will say how their comment makes me feel. She also believes that if I get healthy, my next pregnancy will make it. Let me tell you something, my problem is not curable. I am not unhealthy. I may not be skinny (which to her means healthy) but I never had any other problems. I have one, one weak cervix that is the cause for the loss of my daughters. I take the best care of myself during pregnancy. Me, getting very healthy right now, will not allow the next child to live. My "health" has nothing to do with my cervix. My cervix would be weak whether I weigh 500 lbs or whether I'm 95 lbs. I was born with that. Taking chemicals out of my beauty products, removing cleaners from my home (which are things I've recently done that lead her to believe I'm now getting healthy)  will not save the next child. Moving on to another surgery will most likely get a baby here, full term. 

My children also were not unhealthy. They were very healthy, both being told they were fighters and very strong. Evelie lived over a week with NO water. Kicking the whole time and she would have kept going, had my body not gone into labor. Their heartbeats continued after being born. I am amazed by them. So early, yet their hearts kept beating, when they weren't even expected to make it through the birth alive. Both of my girls did, both were breathing after birth.  Me, getting healthy has no effect on that, I was healthy, they were healthy. I have a weak cervix that is only fixable by surgery, the surgery I had was not good enough for me or my cervix. We would have never known that ahead of time. There is no way to know without trying. My heart is shattered knowing that I had to go through this to find out that a different surgery would work better than what I had. I should have skipped this one and went to the next type of surgery, but that isn't a choice I had. I had to do it this way, like many other women with my same problem. 

 I spoke with a Dr. in Chicago that said because we did everything under the sun to prevent losing Evelie, that I am the 20% the a regular cerclage doesn't work for. A tougher, permanent cerclage is the answer for me. This type of cerclage has a 95%  success rate compared to 80 % of the cerclage I had. If I could have skipped to the permanent cerclage, you bet your ass I would have. My daughter's life was more important than gambling it on an 80% chance. That number is not high enough for me. I still remember sitting in the doctors office early on in Evelie's pregnancy, being told they didn't even think I needed a cerclage. I fought for one, said there was no way I was going to go into another pregnancy without doing everything I could possibly do, to prevent what happened to Emerson. 

I wasn't stupid. I knew. And I was right, this is the only time I wish I wasn't right. I wish they were, that I didn't even need the cerclage. That is why I couldn't skip to the permanent one, because they didn't even think I needed the one I had in the first place. Only to be proven wrong when they did the surgery in the OR and saw that I was already 1cm dilated at 14 weeks pregnant. They needed that to tell them, that I was right all along. I live with the guilt and pain that I had to lose another daughter to find out that something else would work better. Her life should not be gambled like that. I also think all pregnant women should have their cervix checked via transvaginal ultrasound so that incompetent cervix can be caught before a life is lost. You should never have to lose a child to find out that you have a problem. It takes seconds to check with an ultrasound. Seconds that could possibly save a child's life. My goal, when I'm strong enough to do it. Is to somehow get it, so that every pregnant women has her cervix checked via ultrasound so that a weak cervix is caught early and before a child's life is lost.

I have a lot going on lately, a lot to move through. I am in the middle of getting a wonderful health insurance that covers counseling. I am well aware that this time around, I need it. Do I want it, no not really because I don't understand how an outsider that probably has never lost a child, is going to tell me how to grieve or how to handle this. I do know that I most likely have ptsd and that needs to be handled. I do not want meds and will fight that, but I believe my mind needs help. I went through very traumatic stuff and even more traumatic with my second daughter. I am not going to act like I wasn't effected by this, not going to act like everything is rainbows and butterflies. It isn't. I don't think anyone would expect it to be. I do know that somehow my mind is trying to protect me, and I'm not allowing myself to really feel like this has happened. I'm somehow on the outside looking in and not truly feeling and dealing with what has happened. Haven't allowed myself to believe that this is the life I have. 

Again, I want to clarify what I said earlier in this post. Miscarriages are painful, they are a loss of a baby. You should be allowed to grieve and it is something I wish no one had to go through. My personal experience is just that, mine. My miscarriages hurt, the death of my children hurt me worse. That is my pain, not comparable to anyone else. Do not let anyone tell you that an early miscarriage isn't anything. I had my hopes and dreams shattered many times over. I can't believe people in the world tell people to get over miscarriages. I hope that I didn't offend anyone with that. I hope everyone understands what I'm trying to say. 

I hate April Fool's day

I seriously hate all the stupid fake pregnancy announcements today. When its people close to us it makes me feel as if they don't take our situation seriously. Like they think its silly that our world is crushed. And announcing a pregnancy wouldn't hurt us. Really? we've been through 6 years of complete hell. Not a single person knows what it feels like and what has gone on behind closed doors and our doctor appointments. No one knows what it feels like to know your pregnancy isn't going to make it but you have to walk around another 8 weeks carrying a baby, waiting for the moment you will miscarry. They told us in 2 of our pregnancies that our numbers didn't double, meaning it wouldn't make it and we just waited for the day the miscarriage would start. I had to walk around twice knowing that the baby inside me would eventually stop growing and the miscarriage would begin. But watching a million people announce their fake pregnancies while they think its so hilarious, breaks my heart and many others too.  I guess I expect it from some, but not those close to us. I'm hurt. We buried 2 children, lost 6 pregnancies and yet those around us find this subject funny. Wow. How many people are out there trying to have a baby and you have no idea of their struggle. You just ruined their day. I hope you're happy will your silly, most unoriginal april fool's joke.

A Must read!!!

I couldn't have said it better.

Something I have dealt with for 5 years. There are a few people in my life (family and friends) who refuse to call me a mother and therefore NEVER EVER wished me a happy mother's day or said a single word to me on that day. Making me feel like they don't recognize me as a mother. Something that is very important to me. A mother is born at the very moment she is aware that there is life inside her. I loved my children more than I could ever explain. I gave birth to them, watched them live for such a short time and then watched them take their last breath as my husband held them. No it isn't a happy day, far from it. But when you don't say anything to a childless mother, you make her feel even more alienated than she already feels. The blog below is very well written please take a moment to read it and acknowledge those that are without their children. Just because our children are not here doesn't mean we suddenly are no longer mothers. you can't take away that strong bond that we formed with our children. And when they passed we don't suddenly lose that title.
http://cheynecurry.blogspot.com/2011/05/mothers-day-dilemma-childless-mothers.html

Ah, yes. But no matter what you do, that seed will grow to be a peach tree. You may wish for an apple or an orange, but you will get a peach

Derrick and I were out shopping today and found a peach tree. We both love the flowers on it so much that we'll be going back with the jeep and picking it up. It won't be in the girls' garden but it will be in the front yard next to their garden. It has the prettiest pink flowers on it and the thought of hopefully getting to someday walk out my front door and grab a peach, would be pretty awesome. So I found a picture of what the flowers looked like on the ones we found. Just thought I'd share this with you today.

And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. Anais Nin

I have a huge rant that I wanted to post but I'm just too tired to put my heart into it today so that will have to wait for another day. However, today we have the first little peek of the girls' tree blossoming. I'm hoping it holds off for a few days because I don't want the rain to make all the flowers fall off.  Derrick and I have been watching the tree and checking it multiple times a day, hoping we don't miss when it finally opens. We chose this tree because of the meaning I found :

Symbol of Humanity

• The blooming season of cherry blossoms are brief, resulting in instant beauty and immediate death of the flower. They, therefore, serve (within the Japanese culture) as reminders of humanity and mortality since, like cherry blossoms, a human being's life can end at any given moment. The human condition is epitomized through the cherry blossom, alerting people that life is too short to waste away and that people should live life to the fullest.

  
  

  
  

  I wanted a weeping one for obvious reasons. So we chose this tree and when I get my memorial tattoo for Evelie it will include cherry blossoms for the same reason. She was beautiful and we only had a short time with her. She is just like a cherry blossom. So beautiful and quickly fleeting from our lives.

  
  

  So today I want to share with you the first peek I got at their tree.

  
  

  

  
  

  

  
  

  

  

  
  

What not to say

I could honestly write a novel on the things you shouldn't say but because I'm lazy tonight and honestly don't want to bring up the feelings of all the hurtful (I'm sure most don't know they are hurtful) comments and relive them right now, I will post a link that I got from another mother.
 Click below for a short list of things you shouldn't say
 Things not to say

My other blog

the one with all the health, crafty and probably baking stuff :)  http://myhealthlyjourney.blogspot.com/2012/03/what-ive-been-up-to-lately.html Feel free to pass it along as I'm not on fb lately :)

Not much in it yet but I will post some stuff this weekend. Hope you all are enjoying this wonderful weather! I'm off to make blush and lip stain from beets!

And when I was born, I drew in the common air, and fell upon the earth, which is of like nature; and the first voice which I uttered was crying, as all others do.~Solomon Ibn Gabirol

       Last night was quite therapeutic for us. It came out of nowhere but was obviously much needed. My laptop got some virus thing and we ended up having to do a factory restart, hoping that we got everything on a flash drive and didn't lose any pictures. The only thing I was worried about was Evelie's pictures. Just to make sure I still have the cd the hospital gave us (I knew I wouldn't throw that away but needed to make sure I still had it) that meant I had to open her little rubbermaid tub and dig into her stuff. Something I haven't done since I packed it away. So Derrick got it out for me and we both ended up going through it. As soon as the lid came off, I lost it. The tiny little star hoodie she was supposed to wear was on top. Along with a cute pink outfit that says "I found my prince, his name is Daddy" I quickly threw those to the side with tears streaming down my face. Frantically looking for just a cd, trying to pass everything in there. IMPOSSIBLE to do. The blanket they wrapped her in right away, the presents given to us that she was supposed to use. Then at the bottom of the box, a wooden box filled with all her imprints and tiny pinks booties that grandma jessie had bought her. I had to check and make sure all her molds/imprints were still ok. Derrick opened the box and we just stared at it. This is what we have. a box filled will stuff, hospital bracelets, molds, tiny clothes, baby items that will never be used. I could see Derrick trying so hard to hold it back. His eyes filled and you can see the rims of them turning red. I sat there and just bawled. I opened the ziploc bag and tried to smell her blanket but through all the tears my nose couldn't smell a thing. I zipped it back up in fear I'd let her smell out. I found the c.d and quickly put all her items back.

We started talking through the tears and decided we should take a walk. We spent the whole hour talking about the girls and their births. Once we got home the conversation never ended. We sat on the couch and continued to talk. Then a question from Derrick threw me off and gave my heart some emotions I hadn't felt. He asked me......"when Evelie was born, did you hear her cry?" I didn't hear anything but I was also very much in shock and watching them move around me, getting Evelie wrapped up etc. I was everywhere and do not remember hearing or seeing her move when she was born. When he asked me that, my heart just dropped, like it have just been let go off the top of the tallest building. I didn't hear her cry, something I don't know if I'm sad I missed or if it would some how be harder (as if it would get any harder, I think we endured the hardest thing in life ever) He said he heard the tiniest cry, but thought maybe he was insane and wished he heard her. He was hoping I did and could confirm his thought. He described it as the tiniest cat noise ever, and then she moved her arm. My heart hurts, I never saw any movement in her arms. I just saw her little mouth move. I knew she was alive but she was so tiny I didn't want her to try to move in fear that she would be in pain. I witnessed Emerson's arm move when she was born and in a way wished that I witnessed Evelie do the same. I just wanted her to be comfortable and to do what didn't hurt her.

My heart didn't know how to process what Derrick was asking. My heart ached, I never heard her cry. I asked him if her tiny cry sounded like she was in pain and I held my breath hoping he'd answer it with exactly what I wanted to hear "no, it didn't sound like she was in any pain at all, it sounded like she was just talking" I told him that I was happy he had that moment with her. I'm happy that he noticed something that no one else did. He was hoping I answered it different and said that I heard it because he doesn't feel like his own ears are telling him the truth. He doubts himself about it since I didn't hear it. I explained that they were swarming around me and people asking me questions etc. that I didn't get to quietly focus on anything right away. Him, he was on the "sidelines" so he could notice all the things I couldn't. I always thought I was a few days further along that they thought but they would never listen. Derrick hearing her cry, breaks my heart. What if she was far enough to get the steroids, what if they could have saved her? Now I live with the "what ifs" I will spend my whole life beating myself up wondering why they didn't help her, what if I made them do something? would she be here? 

I wonder if hearing her cry would have made me jump out of that bed and shake the shit out of a doctor forcing them to save her (something I imagined doing anyways, tearing the iv's out and shaking them until they listened to me) would it break my heart to hear that, would it make this terrible situation worse (as if it really could ever get worse) or would I cherish that moment? I will never know. Her father carries that with him and I'm not sure how he feels about it. He mentioned that it tore his heart out but at the same time he heard a noise from her, something we never heard out of Emerson and something I guess you long to hear. I'm glad he has that moment, something just he shared with Evelie. Their moment, his memory. Today, I'm still processing that. I'm really not sure what to feel or think. If she was able to cry, her lungs had to be somewhat ok. Then the "what ifs" haunt me again. I would have laid my life out for my girls, I did everything I could. Fighting for them to leave the cerclage in knowing that was the only chance to get anymore days with her inside. Had they taken that, she wouldn't have made it the extra week and a half. I fought like hell for her and I would do it again in a heartbeat. That is what you do as a mother. You protect your child and I did, from day one! I love my girls more than anyone could ever know.

"The best thing a man can do for his children is to love their mother"

 I may not have it all but what I do have is absolutely wonderful!

This was left for me by my husband. First thing I got to see when I woke up :) He is an amazing man and he makes MY life worth living.

This is what I get to do....this is how we get to be parents

     Today will be spent proof reading the next draft of the headstone. We have the day off together and I'd like to try to keep it a good day. Something we always try to do, but never really succeed at. There is always something that will ruin the day. We'll try to go out to eat and we'll be sat next to a couple with an older daughter and a brand new baby. So we get to stare and what life should have been like. Or we'll have a good day and somehow the world will want to ruin it, so I've learned to not keep my cell with me when we're out trying to enjoy the day together and dodge the baby aisles in the stores (something we've become experts at). We cried in Target the other day, it wasn't that long ago that Derrick was pushing me in the wheel chair (I was allowed to walk (not much)but Doc said if it gave me piece of mind, a wheelchair was absolutely fine) and we were looking at all the baby girl stuff. Thinking about what we wanted. Such a happy time. 

However, today is already ruined. I have to keep looking at the draft for the stone, just to see if I've missed any errors on it that I hadn't noticed the first time. Sounds really fun doesn't it? Sounds like something a parent should have to go through? So awesome for us we get to do it for 2 girls. Obviously I'm being sarcastic because I am very angry. I'm very bitter and I'd like to punch something at the moment. But because I have to be normal and have to live up to what people think I should be doing or how I should be acting, I'll sit here quietly and every once in a while check the draft to see if I notice anything I didn't before. I haven't shown Derrick the 2nd draft yet. I didn't want to ruin his day today. Both of us don't get very many good days, so I guess I try to protect him sometimes. We're open with eachother so I know what bothers him and today I won't show him the draft. I'll try to salvage his day even if mine is already crap. We don't know how the hell we're going to survive this sometimes

The morning glory that blooms for an hour, differs not at heart from the giant pine that lives for a thousand years

     I miss my babies. My heart is hurting so bad lately. I have no other words to describe it. I talk a lot with my husband and I'm thankful for that. He is the only one who truly knows what our journey feels like. The last few nights I haven't slept much, I miss Evelie (I miss them both) I don't sleep, and I've been holding back tears at work. No real triggers, just the thought of the fact that I should be wanting to rush home to see her. To spend time with her, to have the dream I thought I was so close to. I wonder what my life would be like. I know a lot about pregnancy and lots about high risk stuff, but I know not a thing about parenting. We are having a rough time lately. At this moment, I don't want another baby. I want her. I know her, I love her. She used to kick while we listened to "pumped up kicks" on my phone that I'd lay on my belly. We listened to Adele and I'd sing to her while she kicked.  The time we had together while I was on bedrest, I could lay there all day and just take in each second I had with her. I fought hard as hell to keep her save. She was one hell of a fighter. She survived over a week with little to no fluid and survived the birth. She lived and breathed for 1hr 56 mins.  

 I think I've been in shock for the last 7 months. It is all soaking in lately. I think I had a bit of a protective layer up, sort of saving myself from the pain and now I can't push it away any longer. I can't sleep, I can't focus and I ache constantly. I just want to touch her again, just one more time. Just to touch her sweet cheeks. To touch her lips, that looked like mine. Her little nose that she got from her dad. To tell her I love her one more time, because the millions of times we said it weren't enough. I was laying in bed last night, trying so hard to sleep and I swear I could smell her. I remember so vividly what both my girls smelled like. Once in a while I get a tiny sniff of one of their smells. I keep smelling like I'm trying to keep it trapped in my nose, then it will disappear again.  Its getting harder and harder to hold things together. I'm just at a loss of how to express myself anymore. The pain is so intense it feels like my mind can't even think of a way to describe anything anymore. It hurts, it hurts so much. 

There is no pain in the world like this, I gave birth and had to watch them pass in my husband's arms. I don't know what to do with myself anymore, we don't know what to do with out lives anymore. Where do you go from here? How do you put one foot in front of the other and keep moving forward. I think I'm experiencing panic attacks lately. The other day at work I couldn't breathe, I wasn't doing anything out of the norm but my chest was heavy and I felt like I had to gasp for air. I didn't say anything because I didn't want to feel stupid so I walked around and tried to get some fresh air. Not drawing any attention to myself. I thought I'd have to have someone call 911. I kept taking deep breaths until it felt easier to breath. Finally I felt normal again. I could breathe and felt ok. I was scared because it happened out of nowhere. I just think I'm in shock and mentally and physically I can't handle it anymore. We often talk about going to see a counselor but what can they do that talking to eachother doesn't do. We talk it out often. We talk about everything and we just don't see what they can do for us right now. Eventually we will see one because we believe we both have ptsd and will need help with that. 

I don't want to be social anymore. We don't have friends without children and really don't know what to do with ourselves. We spend a lot of time together and I depend on him a lot.  I just don't know anymore. I thought I'd be ok, I've done this once. I know the steps of grief however, this time feels different, feels harder. I am angry at the world and feel robbed in so many ways.   

I would like to share a photo of her. Something I don't get to do very often. This is the sweet baby girl that used to be the ninja baby that kicked me all the time and I loved each kick so much. Her father loved getting to feel them, something he never got with Emerson.  She had her father's nose <3 How badly we wanted to see them both grow up

I can't hold my child, so I hold on to memories

            I've mentioned before that I do strange things out of grief. Think what you want, but it helps me. I've held on to half full water bottles from when I was on bed rest. I've held on to each hospital bracelet from all my ER visits, cerclage surgery and hospital bed rest.

One thing I've held on to that reminds me of the happiest day of my life is this:

This IHOP mint. We went to Grand Rapids for a cervical length ultrasound. I was 18 weeks pregnant and we were hoping they'd be nice and check the gender. They had an ultrasound tech that was there to learn, so they asked if I was ok with being the guinea pig and letting her learn how to check cervical lengths on me. Since I was nice and allowed her to learn on me, they checked the gender for me. My husband and I sat there trying to guess. I thought for sure I knew what the gender was. I thought boy, I swear I saw something there. But when she swept over the baby again, she said with a huge smile "it's a girl!" I've never seen my husband smile so much before. I was so excited. Not that we didn't want a boy, obviously I will take whatever I can get. We just imagined ourselves with a girl, so to have that happen we were so excited. I couldn't even think straight. So to celebrate we went to IHOP. Being so excited that I couldn't think straight. I couldn't find pancakes on the menu. I then asked my husband as I was bouncing in my seat from excitement "do they have pancakes here?" Now IHOP is one of my favorite restaurants and pancakes are one of my favorite foods and was a craving during pregnancy so there was no way I wouldn't know they served pancakes at THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LOL I was so freaking happy, I didn't realize where we were or why I couldn't find pancakes on the menu. Our waitress laughed at me and had no idea why I was so airheaded at the moment. I was just beyond happy that I couldn't read or think or do anything but smile, bounce in my seat and breathe. That was the happiest day of my life. That was when I could think of the baby as Evelie and not just the baby anymore. We could dream of her as a her :) I put the mint in my purse because I'm not huge on mints right after food. I thought I'd eat it later.

I must have forgotten all about it and when we came home after her birth, I was digging in my purse and came across my ihop mint. I cried so hard. The happiness and hope we had that day, planning the nursery, shopping for clothes. I will never know those feelings again and her life is over. That mint is still in my purse and I carry it every where I go. It's my reminder that a long time ago, we were as happy as one couple could be. Life was good back then. That day I was so happy and excited I didn't realize that they sold pancakes at the International House of Pancakes. That day was one of the best days of my life. I don't know if that is strange to some people but my life isn't happy, nothing really makes us happy anymore and all I have are tiny memories of what it felt like to truly be as happy as I could be.

To anyone else if you went through my purse or my home, my tiny memories would look like ordinary items to you, with out a story behind them. However, I can look around and tell you each item in my home that I hold on to from my pregnancy and each time I look at them I can pull those emotions from the exact day that I got that item and why I kept it. I need those things to stay sane, to remind me what happiness used to feel like. If they disappear I'm afraid my ability to feel that happiness again, will disappear. My children's lives are gathered in rubbermaid tubs. They lived under 2hrs but I've created mementos from things along the way. You have to when you don't get the time you wanted. You create the memories. I have photos from each day I was on bed rest, of random stuff. I do what I can to make it through.

To be that happy again, to be beyond excited that I couldn't even remember that at one of my favorite restaurants (that I've visited probably a million times and only order pancakes when I go) they served pancakes at a place called the international house of pancakes. As long as I have that mint, each time I see it when I'm searching for something in my purse, I will remember that day (August 2nd 2011) and the feeling of being that happiest couple in the world. Even if it was for only a couple weeks.

“Let every man shovel out his own snow, and the whole city will be passable," said Gamache. Seeing Beauvoir's puzzled expression he added, "Emerson." "Lake and Palmer?"..... "Ralph and Waldo.”

Today was a rough day, and I say "today" as if it isn't every day. It is, it's every single day since we lost Emerson. However, some are just far worse than others. Today, is one of the rougher days. On my way to fill my face with a greasy burger from Wendy's, I was admiring the snow covered trees.   I have always loved the beauty in nature. Since (2007) I have been a grieving mother and those beautiful images are always tainted with something that is missing.  People think pregnancies and babies and 4 year old little girls are the only triggers in my life. That is false. Anything in this world is a trigger and there are a million of them a day. I snapped a few photos as I was driving and I will tell you what they trigger for me.

I see this image as I would years ago, before my kids. I still notice the beauty in it but now it triggers further thoughts. As I was driving I realized that I should have a tiny baby tucked away in her car seat. Her sister next to her, just gabbing away. Emerson would be turning 5 in April. She would've been spunky. And as I see the beautiful snow outside, I realize she would be asking "mom, when we get home will you play with me in the snow?" How I would give anything to have that. No matter how tired or worn out I would've been. I would've played outside with her forever. We would've done anything she wanted. That's what that photo triggered for me. I don't need just babies, or pregnant women to trigger things (although they do trigger emotions sometimes) it's a simple snow resting lightly on the trees. A drive alone. Realizing what my life should have been. Realizing that it will never be that. Those things will never happen in our lives. I had tears streaming so bad that I had to pull over for a second in fear I'd get in an accident.

A grieving mother never forgets. The triggers never end. I will always know what my life should have been and each time that happens, I'll wait for the day dream to end and the world to crash down on me again. It's looking into our empty guest bedroom. What would have been Evelie's room. How I miss laying with Derrick and planning what we were going to do in there. The colors, the crib, her changing table. It's all of our friends having children and we're the only ones left without any. It's getting up at 3 am for work and not because there is a crying baby here. It's turning 27 and realizing when I was younger, I had other thoughts on what my life would be by now. It's the dogs begging to go outside when it should be my kids. It's anything and everything. It happens every second of everyday. It has for the last 4 almost 5 years. This isn't how it should be, for me or anyone else. I should see the beautiful snow, and I should be happy with my two girls. How close we were to a perfect life. Realizing now how very far away we are from it and the fact that perfect will never be. Happiness and perfect are words we don't have in our vocabulary for explaining anything in our lives. We hate our lives. 

So what does someone who has never lost anyone see in that photo? I wish I knew what that felt like. I wish I was ignorant to this pain and this life. I wish I was on the other side. I wish this wasn't our life. So as my husband is at work and I'm at home alone, I will sit in my big picture window and watch the light snow fall. I will day dream about what life would have been. Even though it hurts to do so, that is all I have. I will picture what Emerson would be saying or doing and what Evelie would need at this very moment. I will picture just the 3 of us snuggling on the couch. I see myself holding Evelie as Eme lays her head on my arm and tells me some elaborate story she's made up. She'd probably be holding her skunk with the pink mohawk that we bought her when I was 14 weeks pregnant with her. She'd probably kiss her sister or ask to hold her. I'd make us some crazy kind of hot cocoa to drink while we watch the snow. Then after a while. I'd put them to bed and Eme would tell me how excited she is to have the whole day with her daddy tomorrow. That's when the day dreams get too hard. That's where it has to stop at least for tonight. My heart can't handle thinking of my husband and what they would do, how he would rush home to be with them. That's where this has to stop. 

Just another lonely night

Sadly, I have many of them. Too many. Sometimes I'll just be browsing facebook and someone will post a music video that will trigger feelings. Lately it's been rough, well not just lately it's never really let up.  I am thankful for my husband, to have someone who knows what this feels like. Who shares with me his pain, the things that hurt him. I obviously, with every fiber of my being, wish that he never had a clue what this felt like. I wish this never happened to him. I can take care of me, no matter how bad it gets. When you have the person you love with all your heart, hurting its just too much. It hurts me deep down in my soul to know he dislikes his life. Often telling me he is just hanging out until this life is done. I understand him. I do, and you can't unless you've been in our shoes exactly. Taken every step we have, only then will you know exactly what I'm speaking about. We started trying for a child a year after we were married. Miraculously got pregnant 6 months later. Only to lose our 1st child at 20 weeks pregnant. Tried continuously for 4 years only to suffer 4 early miscarriages. Then in May of 2011 we decided our souls had, had enough. We thought it would never happen and we were watching our young lives pass by. We didn't know ourselves anymore. We knew fertility, pregnancy and loss. Nothing more. So we said no more trying, if it happens, great. If not, we'll deal with this one step at a time. Little did we know I was already pregnant. The month before I had thrown out my basal body thermometer, stopped tracking my cycles on the computer, stopped taking pregnancy tests so early and just lived. I had never had so much fun in my life before. I forgot what it was like to be me, before trying to have a child. For the first time in 6 years, I just let go. I hadn't even noticed any symptoms because I was too busy being me, and having fun. So when I realized I was ridiculously late, not thinking I was pregnant but had to make sure. I took a test. Never expecting anything to show up, why would it we're 2 of the unluckiest people in the world. But there is was, as soon as the urine hit the first line it was as bright as can be and the test wasn't even close to being finished. I was pregnant, very pregnant. Everything in the world was right. But we knew this one could end like all the rest of them. So they tested my hcg levels every 48 hours and they were so high and doubling like a healthy pregnancy should. Well we know how this story ends. We lost her at 21.5 weeks. So not a single person know what this feels like unless you've had our shoes on, step for step.   

 I hurt for me, I hurt for my family and most of all I hurt for my husband. I hate to see the look in his eye when I catch him glancing at a baby girl that we've stumbled upon in public. He doesn't know I catch him more than he thinks. The sad look in his eyes just cripples me. It is so very hard to explain. I feel his pain, those things hurt me too but seeing him hurt is so hard to deal with. This time around he has been very open about his pain. Which is great but hurts at the same time. He deserves the life he should have had. He is an amazing father and he deserves to have a living, healthy child. Something I couldn't do for him.  His birthday was on the 7th and the end of December he told me that he has dates that he has been dreading like I had dates. I dreaded Nov 28th, the day my cerclage was going to come out and she was probably going to be born. Her due date Jan 1st. He said the November date didn't bother him, because he didn't think she was going to come in November. He hated Christmas and Jan 1st through the 7th. Because the 1st was her due date and the 7th was the original due date until they realized I was further along than I thought. He hated that because between the 1st and the 7th she would have been here any time in that frame. He told me how this birthday was the worst birthday he's ever had. how he hated Jan. We had some very dark moments, moments I'm embarrassed to admit that we even talked about. Burying your children takes you to a dark spot. You no longer care about anything in the world. Its the point when you realize that you peaked at your happiness at a young age and you will never feel that way again. Nothing will make you as happy as you once were.

  

And you will never achieve that happiness again. We are here just hanging out until it's all over. At the age of 27 and 29 our lives are pretty much over. Nothing to look forward to. And an empty house that never had the pitter patter of children's feet. It's a very hard thing to swallow. You feel like less of a women, less of a wife and the talk of the town.  You get things thrown in your face, many people who think they're better than you. People who offer you their uterus as if that will make everything better. People that offer you their children as a joke. Life sucks and as much as I like that my husband is so open and tells me his pain. Sometimes in a selfish way, I wish he wouldn't. Just because knowing how much he hurts tears me apart and is too much to handle. He deserves everything and I can't even put a word on the feeling I have, that I couldn't do that for him. I feel responsible, I feel broken and I'm tired of people pointing out that I can't do it. I feel defeated. My husband hates his life and I feel at fault. Listening to him tell me he hates his life, even though I know the feeling, I somehow feel like it's my fault. Had he married someone else, he would have it all. He would have what he deserves.  He's such an amazing man and he loves his daughters with all of himself. He was so ready, so ready to have his daughters Dirty diapers and all. He was so excited and he hates his life now.  He's so young and he hates it, he hates that nothing makes him happy. He hates watching everyone have what he once had but never got to keep. My heart breaks for him. I obviously know the feelings but it's different when you go through it yourself compared to hearing your husband go through it. 

 These lonely nights are painful. I'm left to worry about him, left to worry about the future. Left knowing that we will never have children. Left alone knowing that he never wants to love anything again, in fear that he will lose it. In his eyes if you don't love anything, it can't be taken from you. His reasoning for never trying again.  Because at some point, we could bring home a full term healthy child, but he's scared as they age someday an accident will happen and we'll have to bury a third child and feel these feelings again. I get his way of thinking, I really do and it kills me to know he feels this. That our dream is over at such a young age. We should be the parents of an almost 5 year old child and a new baby. But we're not. we're that childless couple that tried so hard but couldn't do it. We're the couple that gets asked how many years we've been married, then followed with "married 6 years and no children?" yes, thank you for adding salt to the wound. 6 years of being married, pregnant within the year after you got married and no living children. Thank you for pointing out how terrible that sounds, as if we didn't know.

 Lonely nights, I hate you. I hate every night. I hate every day. I hate every moment. I hate every second. and I'm angry that we will never be as happy as we once were. At our age, we know our happiness is over and we're just hanging out until this life is done. I'm angry that this is how it is.